第199章
第199章“i’vecometoassureyouthati’vealwayslovedyouandiamgladthatwearealone,evengladdouniaisout,”hewentonwiththesameimpulse.“ihavecometotellyouthatthoughyouwillbeunhappy,youmustbelievethatyoursonlovesyounowmorethanhimself,andthatallyouthoughtaboutme,thatiwascruelanddidn’tcareaboutyou,wasallamistake.ishallneverceasetoloveyou.…well,that’senough:ithoughtimustdothisandbeginwiththis.…”
pulcheriaalexandrovnaembracedhiminsilence,pressinghimtoherbosomandweepinggently.
“idon’tknowwhatiswrongwithyou,rodya,”shesaidatlast.“i’vebeenthinkingallthistimethatweweresimplyboringyouandnowiseethatthereisagreatsorrowinstoreforyou,andthat’swhyyouaremiserable.i’veforeseenitalongtime,rodya.forgivemeforspeakingaboutit.ikeepthinkingaboutitandlieawakeatnights.yoursisterlaytalkinginhersleepalllastnight,talkingofnothingbutyou.icaughtsomething,buticouldn’tmakeitout.ifeltallthemorningasthoughiweregoingtobehanged,waitingforsomething,expectingsomething,andnowithascome!rodya,rodya,whereareyougoing?youaregoingawaysomewhere?”
“yes.”
“that’swhatithought!icancomewithyou,youknow,ifyouneedme.anddounia,too;shelovesyou,shelovesyoudearly—andsofyasemyonovnamaycomewithusifyoulike.yousee,iamgladtolookuponherasadaughtereven…dmitriprokofitchwillhelpustogotogether.but…where…areyougoing?”
“good-bye,mother.”
“what,to-day?”shecried,asthoughlosinghimforever.
“ican’tstay,imustgonow.…”
“andcan’ticomewithyou?”
“no,butkneeldownandpraytogodforme.yourprayerperhapswillreachhim.”
“letmeblessyouandsignyouwiththecross.that’sright,that’sright.oh,god,whatarewedoing?”
yes,hewasglad,hewasverygladthattherewasnoonethere,thathewasalonewithhismother.forthefirsttimeafterallthoseawfulmonthshisheartwassoftened.hefelldownbeforeher,hekissedherfeetandbothwept,embracing.andshewasnotsurprisedanddidnotquestionhimthistime.forsomedaysshehadrealisedthatsomethingawfulwashappeningtohersonandthatnowsometerribleminutehadcomeforhim.
“rodya,mydarling,myfirstborn,”shesaidsobbing,“nowyouarejustaswhenyouwerelittle.youwouldrunlikethistomeandhugmeandkissme.whenyourfatherwaslivingandwewerepoor,youcomfortedussimplybybeingwithusandwheniburiedyourfather,howoftenwewepttogetherathisgraveandembraced,asnow.andifi’vebeencryinglately,it’sthatmymother’shearthadaforebodingoftrouble.thefirsttimeisawyou,thatevening,youremember,assoonaswearrivedhere,iguessedsimplyfromyoureyes.myheartsankatonce,andto-daywheniopenedthedoorandlookedatyou,ithoughtthefatalhourhadcome.rodya,rodya,youarenotgoingawayto-day?”
“no!”
“you’llcomeagain?”
“yes…i’llcome.”
“rodya,don’tbeangry,idon’tdaretoquestionyou.iknowimustn’t.onlysaytwowordstome—isitfarwhereyouaregoing?”
“veryfar.”
“whatisawaitingyouthere?somepostorcareerforyou?”
“whatgodsends…onlyprayforme.”raskolnikovwenttothedoor,butsheclutchedhimandgazeddespairinglyintohiseyes.herfaceworkedwithterror.
“enough,mother,”saidraskolnikov,deeplyregrettingthathehadcome.
“notforever,it’snotyetforever?you’llcome,you’llcometo-morrow?”
“iwill,iwill,good-bye.”hetorehimselfawayatlast.
itwasawarm,fresh,brightevening;ithadclearedupinthemorning.raskolnikovwenttohislodgings;hemadehaste.hewantedtofinishallbeforesunset.hedidnotwanttomeetanyonetillthen.goingupthestairshenoticedthatnastasyarushedfromthesamovartowatchhimintently.“cananyonehavecometoseeme?”hewondered.hehadadisgustedvisionofporfiry.butopeninghisdoorhesawdounia.shewassittingalone,plungedindeepthought,andlookedasthoughshehadbeenwaitingalongtime.hestoppedshortinthedoorway.sherosefromthesofaindismayandstoodupfacinghim.hereyes,fixeduponhim,betrayedhorrorandinfinitegrief.andfromthoseeyesalonehesawatoncethatsheknew.
“amitocomeinorgoaway?”heaskeduncertainly.
“i’vebeenalldaywithsofyasemyonovna.wewerebothwaitingforyou.wethoughtthatyouwouldbesuretocomethere.”
raskolnikovwentintotheroomandsankexhaustedonachair.
“ifeelweak,dounia,iamverytired;andishouldhavelikedatthismomenttobeabletocontrolmyself.”
heglancedathermistrustfully.
“wherewereyouallnight?”
“idon’trememberclearly.yousee,sister,iwantedtomakeupmymindonceforall,andseveraltimesiwalkedbytheneva,irememberthatiwantedtoenditallthere,but…icouldn’tmakeupmymind,”hewhispered,lookingathermistrustfullyagain.
“thankgod!thatwasjustwhatwewereafraidof,sofyasemyonovnaandi.thenyoustillhavefaithinlife?thankgod,thankgod!”
raskolnikovsmiledbitterly.
“ihaven’tfaith,butihavejustbeenweepinginmother’sarms;ihaven’tfaith,butihavejustaskedhertoprayforme.idon’tknowhowitis,dounia,idon’tunderstandit.”
“haveyoubeenatmother’s?haveyoutoldher?”crieddounia,horror-stricken.“surelyyouhaven’tdonethat?”
“no,ididn’ttellher…inwords;butsheunderstoodagreatdeal.sheheardyoutalkinginyoursleep.iamsureshehalfunderstandsitalready.perhapsididwrongingoingtoseeher.idon’tknowwhyididgo.iamacontemptibleperson,dounia.”
“acontemptibleperson,butreadytofacesuffering!youare,aren’tyou?”
“yes,iamgoing.atonce.yes,toescapethedisgraceithoughtofdrowningmyself,dounia,butasilookedintothewater,ithoughtthatifihadconsideredmyselfstrongtillnowi’dbetternotbeafraidofdisgrace,”hesaid,hurryingon.“it’spride,dounia.”
“pride,rodya.”
therewasagleamoffireinhislustrelesseyes;heseemedtobegladtothinkthathewasstillproud.