第200章

第200章“youdon’tthink,sister,thatiwassimplyafraidofthewater?”heasked,lookingintoherfacewithasinistersmile.

“oh,rodya,hush!”crieddouniabitterly.silencelastedfortwominutes.hesatwithhiseyesfixedonthefloor;douniastoodattheotherendofthetableandlookedathimwithanguish.suddenlyhegotup.

“it’slate,it’stimetogo!iamgoingatoncetogivemyselfup.butidon’tknowwhyiamgoingtogivemyselfup.”

bigtearsfelldownhercheeks.

“youarecrying,sister,butcanyouholdoutyourhandtome?”

“youdoubtedit?”

shethrewherarmsroundhim.

“aren’tyouhalfexpiatingyourcrimebyfacingthesuffering?”shecried,holdinghimcloseandkissinghim.

“crime?whatcrime?”hecriedinsuddenfury.“thatikilledavilenoxiousinsect,anoldpawnbrokerwoman,ofusetonoone!…killingherwasatonementforfortysins.shewassuckingthelifeoutofpoorpeople.wasthatacrime?iamnotthinkingofitandiamnotthinkingofexpiatingit,andwhyareyouallrubbingitinonallsides?‘acrime!acrime!’onlynowiseeclearlytheimbecilityofmycowardice,nowthatihavedecidedtofacethissuperfluousdisgrace.it’ssimplybecauseiamcontemptibleandhavenothinginmethatihavedecidedto,perhapstooformyadvantage,asthat…porfiry…ested!”

“brother,brother,whatareyousaying?why,youhaveshedblood?”crieddouniaindespair.

“whichallmenshed,”heputinalmostfrantically,“whichflowsandhasalwaysflowedinstreams,whichisspiltlikechampagne,andforwhichmenarecrownedinthecapitolandarecalledafterwardsbenefactorsofmankind.lookintoitmorecarefullyandunderstandit!itoowantedtodogoodtomenandwouldhavedonehundreds,thousandsofgooddeedstomakeupforthatonepieceofstupidity,notstupidityeven,simplyclumsiness,fortheideawasbynomeanssostupidasitseemsnowthatithasfailed.…(everythingseemsstupidwhenitfails.)bythatstupidityionlywantedtoputmyselfintoanindependentposition,totakethefirststep,toobtainmeans,andtheneverythingwouldhavebeensmoothedoverbybenefitsimmeasurableincomparison.…buti…icouldn’tcarryouteventhefirststep,becauseiamcontemptible,that’swhat’sthematter!andyetiwon’tlookatitasyoudo.ifihadeededishouldhavebeencrownedwithglory,butnowi’mtrapped.”

“butthat’snotso,notso!brother,whatareyousaying?”

“ah,it’snotpicturesque,notaestheticallyattractive!ifailtounderstandwhybombardingpeoplebyregularsiegeismorehonourable.thefearofappearancesisthefirstsymptomofimpotence.i’venever,neverrecognisedthismoreclearlythannow,andiamfurtherthaneverfromseeingthatwhatididwasacrime.i’venever,neverbeenstrongerandmoreconvincedthannow.”

thecolourhadrushedintohispaleexhaustedface,butasheutteredhislastexplanation,hehappenedtomeetdounia’seyesandhesawsuchanguishinthemthathecouldnothelpbeingchecked.hefeltthathehad,anyway,madethesetwopoorwomenmiserable,thathewas,anyway,thecause…