第201章

第201章“douniadarling,ifiamguiltyforgiveme(thoughicannotbeforgivenifiamguilty).good-bye!wewon’tdispute.it’stime,hightimetogo.don’tfollowme,ibeseechyou,ihavesomewhereelsetogo.…butyougoatonceandsitwithmother.ientreatyouto!it’smylastrequestofyou.don’tleaveheratall;ileftherinastateofanxiety,thatsheisnotfittobear;shewilldieorgooutofhermind.bewithher!razumihinwillbewithyou.i’vebeentalkingtohim.…don’tcryaboutme:i’lltrytobehonestandmanlyallmylife,evenifiamamurderer.perhapsishallsomedaymakeaname.iwon’tdisgraceyou,youwillsee;i’llstillshow.…nowgood-byeforthepresent,”heconcludedhurriedly,noticingagainastrangeexpressionindounia’seyesathislastwordsandpromises.“whyareyoucrying?don’tcry,don’tcry:wearenotpartingforever!ah,yes!waitaminute,i’dforgotten!”

hewenttothetable,tookupathickdustybook,openeditandtookfrombetweenthepagesalittlewater-colourportraitonivory.itwastheportraitofhislandlady’sdaughter,whohaddiedoffever,thatstrangegirlwhohadwantedtobeanun.foraminutehegazedatthedelicateexpressivefaceofhisbetrothed,kissedtheportraitandgaveittodounia.

“iusedtotalkagreatdealaboutittoher,onlytoher,”hesaidthoughtfully.“toherhearticonfidedmuchofwhathassincebeensohideouslyrealised.don’tbeuneasy,”hereturnedtodounia,“shewasasmuchopposedtoitasyou,andiamgladthatsheisgone.thegreatpointisthateverythingnowisgoingtobedifferent,isgoingtobebrokenintwo,”hecried,suddenlyreturningtohisdejection.“everything,everything,andamipreparedforit?doiwantitmyself?theysayitisnecessaryformetosuffer!what’stheobjectofthesesenselesssufferings?shalliknowanybetterwhattheyarefor,wheniamcrushedbyhardshipsandidiocy,andweakasanoldmanaftertwentyyears’penalservitude?andwhatshallihavetoliveforthen?whyamiconsentingtothatlifenow?oh,iknewiwascontemptiblewhenistoodlookingatthenevaatdaybreakto-day!”

atlasttheybothwentout.itwashardfordounia,butshelovedhim.shewalkedaway,butaftergoingfiftypacessheturnedroundtolookathimagain.hewasstillinsight.atthecornerhetooturnedandforthelasttimetheireyesmet;butnoticingthatshewaslookingathim,hemotionedherawaywithimpatienceandevenvexation,andturnedthecornerabruptly.

“iamwicked,iseethat,”hethoughttohimself,feelingashamedamomentlaterofhisangrygesturetodounia.“butwhyaretheysofondofmeifidon’tdeserveit?oh,ifonlyiwerealoneandnoonelovedmeanditoohadneverlovedanyone!nothingofallthiswouldhavehappened.butiwondershalliinthosefifteenortwentyyearsgrowsomeekthatishallhumblemyselfbeforepeopleandwhimperateverywordthatiamacriminal?yes,that’sit,that’sit,that’swhattheyaresendingmetherefor,that’swhattheywant.lookatthemrunningtoandfroaboutthestreets,everyoneofthemascoundrelandacriminalatheartand,worsestill,anidiot.buttrytogetmeoffandthey’dbewildwithrighteousindignation.oh,howihatethemall!”

hefelltomusingbywhatprocessitcouldcometopass,thathecouldbehumbledbeforeallofthem,indiscriminately—humbledbyconviction.andyetwhynot?itmustbeso.wouldnottwentyyearsofcontinualbondagecrushhimutterly?waterwearsoutastone.andwhy,whyshouldheliveafterthat?whyshouldhegonowwhenheknewthatitwouldbeso?itwasthehundredthtimeperhapsthathehadaskedhimselfthatquestionsincethepreviousevening,butstillhewent.