第209章

第209章atlastthenewscame(douniahadindeednoticedsignsofalarmanduneasinessintheprecedingletters)thatheheldalooffromeveryone,thathisfellowprisonersdidnotlikehim,thathekeptsilentfordaysatatimeandwasbecomingverypale.inthelastlettersoniawrotethathehadbeentakenveryseriouslyillandwasintheconvictwardofthehospital.

ii

hewasillalongtime.butitwasnotthehorrorsofprisonlife,notthehardlabour,thebadfood,theshavenhead,orthepatchedclothesthatcrushedhim.whatdidhecareforallthosetrialsandhardships!hewasevengladofthehardwork.physicallyexhausted,hecouldatleastreckononafewhoursofquietsleep.andwhatwasthefoodtohim—thethincabbagesoupwithbeetlesfloatinginit?inthepastasastudenthehadoftennothadeventhat.hisclotheswerewarmandsuitedtohismanneroflife.hedidnotevenfeelthefetters.washeashamedofhisshavenheadandparti-colouredcoat?beforewhom?beforesonia?soniawasafraidofhim,howcouldhebeashamedbeforeher?andyethewasashamedevenbeforesonia,whomhetorturedbecauseofitwithhiscontemptuousroughmanner.butitwasnothisshavenheadandhisfettershewasashamedof:hispridehadbeenstungtothequick.itwaswoundedpridethatmadehimill.oh,howhappyhewouldhavebeenifhecouldhaveblamedhimself!hecouldhaveborneanythingthen,evenshameanddisgrace.buthejudgedhimselfseverely,andhisexasperatedconsciencefoundnoparticularlyterriblefaultinhispast,exceptasimpleblunderwhichmighthappentoanyone.hewasashamedjustbecausehe,raskolnikov,hadsohopelessly,stupidlycometogriefthroughsomedecreeofblindfate,andmusthumblehimselfandsubmitto“theidiocy”ofasentence,ifhewereanyhowtobeatpeace.

vagueandobjectlessanxietyinthepresent,andinthefutureacontinualsacrificeleadingtonothing—thatwasallthatlaybeforehim.andwhatcomfortwasittohimthatattheendofeightyearshewouldonlybethirty-twoandabletobeginanewlife!whathadhetolivefor?whathadhetolookforwardto?whyshouldhestrive?toliveinordertoexist?why,hehadbeenreadyathousandtimesbeforetogiveupexistenceforthesakeofanidea,forahope,evenforafancy.mereexistencehadalwaysbeentoolittleforhim;hehadalwayswantedmore.perhapsitwasjustbecauseofthestrengthofhisdesiresthathehadthoughthimselfamantowhommorewaspermissiblethantoothers.

andifonlyfatewouldhavesenthimrepentance—burningrepentancethatwouldhavetornhisheartandrobbedhimofsleep,thatrepentance,theawfulagonyofwhichbringsvisionsofhangingordrowning!oh,hewouldhavebeengladofit!tearsandagonieswouldatleasthavebeenlife.buthedidnotrepentofhiscrime.

atleasthemighthavefoundreliefinragingathisstupidity,ashehadragedatthegrotesqueblundersthathadbroughthimtoprison.butnowinprison,infreedom,hethoughtoverandcriticisedallhisactionsagainandbynomeansfoundthemsoblunderingandsogrotesqueastheyhadseemedatthefataltime.

“inwhatway,”heaskedhimself,“wasmytheorystupiderthanothersthathaveswarmedandclashedfromthebeginningoftheworld?onehasonlytolookatthethingquiteindependently,broadly,anduninfluencedbycommonplaceideas,andmyideawillbynomeansseemso…strange.oh,scepticsandhalfpennyphilosophers,whydoyouhalthalf-way!”

“whydoesmyactionstrikethemassohorrible?”hesaidtohimself.“isitbecauseitwasacrime?whatismeantbycrime?myconscienceisatrest.ofcourse,itwasalegalcrime,ofcourse,theletterofthelawwasbrokenandbloodwasshed.well,punishmefortheletterofthelaw…andthat’senough.ofcourse,inthatcasemanyofthebenefactorsofmankindwhosnatchedpowerforthemselvesinsteadofinheritingitoughttohavebeenpunishedattheirfirststeps.butthosemeneededandsotheywereright,andididn’t,andsoihadnorighttohavetakenthatstep.”

itwasonlyinthatthatherecognisedhiscriminality,onlyinthefactthathehadbeenessfulandhadconfessedit.

hesufferedtoofromthequestion:whyhadhenotkilledhimself?whyhadhestoodlookingattheriverandpreferredtoconfess?wasthedesiretolivesostrongandwasitsohardtoovercomeit?hadnotsvidrigailovovercomeit,althoughhewasafraidofdeath?

inmiseryheaskedhimselfthisquestion,andcouldnotunderstandthat,attheverytimehehadbeenstandinglookingintotheriver,hehadperhapsbeendimlyconsciousofthefundamentalfalsityinhimselfandhisconvictions.hedidn’tunderstandthatthatconsciousnessmightbethepromiseofafuturecrisis,ofanewviewoflifeandofhisfutureresurrection.

hepreferredtoattributeittothedeadweightofinstinctwhichhecouldnotstepover,againthroughweaknessandmeanness.helookedathisfellowprisonersandwasamazedtoseehowtheyalllovedlifeandprizedit.itseemedtohimthattheylovedandvaluedlifemoreinprisonthaninfreedom.whatterribleagoniesandprivationssomeofthem,thetrampsforinstance,hadendured!couldtheycaresomuchforarayofsunshine,fortheprimevalforest,thecoldspringhiddenawayinsomeunseenspot,whichthetramphadmarkedthreeyearsbefore,andlongedtoseeagain,ashemighttoseehissweetheart,dreamingofthegreengrassrounditandthebirdsinginginthebush?ashewentonhesawstillmoreinexplicableexamples.