第203章

第203章butstillhewent.hefeltsuddenlyonceforallthathemustn’taskhimselfquestions.asheturnedintothestreetherememberedthathehadnotsaidgood-byetosonia,thathehadleftherinthemiddleoftheroominhergreenshawl,notdaringtostirafterhehadshoutedather,andhestoppedshortforamoment.atthesameinstant,anotherthoughtdawneduponhim,asthoughithadbeenlyinginwaittostrikehimthen.

“why,withwhatobjectdidigotoherjustnow?itoldher—onbusiness;onwhatbusiness?ihadnosortofbusiness!totellheriwasgoing;butwherewastheneed?doiloveher?no,no,idroveherawayjustnowlikeadog.didiwanthercrosses?oh,howlowi’vesunk!no,iwantedhertears,iwantedtoseeherterror,toseehowherheartached!ihadtohavesomethingtoclingto,somethingtodelayme,somefriendlyfacetosee!andidaredtobelieveinmyself,todreamofwhatiwoulddo!iamaarlycontemptiblewretch,contemptible!”

hewalkedalongthecanalbank,andhehadnotmuchfurthertogo.butonreachingthebridgehestoppedandturningoutofhiswayalongitwenttothehaymarket.

helookedeagerlytorightandleft,gazedintentlyateveryobjectandcouldnotfixhisattentiononanything;everythingslippedaway.“inanotherweek,anothermonthishallbedriveninaprisonvanoverthisbridge,howshallilookatthecanalthen?ishouldliketorememberthis!”slippedintohismind.“lookatthissign!howshallireadthoselettersthen?it’swrittenhere‘campany,’that’sathingtoremember,thatlettera,andtolookatitagaininamonth—howshallilookatitthen?whatshallibefeelingandthinkingthen?…howtrivialitallmustbe,whatiamfrettingaboutnow!ofcourseitmustallbeinteresting…initsway…(ha-ha-ha!whatamithinkingabout?)iambecomingababy,iamshowingofftomyself;whyamiashamed?foo!howpeopleshove!thatfatman—agermanhemustbe—whopushedagainstme,doesheknowwhomhepushed?there’sapeasantwomanwithababy,ing.it’scuriousthatshethinksmehappierthansheis.imightgivehersomething,fortheincongruityofit.here’safivecopeckpieceleftinmypocket,wheredidigetit?here,here…takeit,mygoodwoman!”

“godblessyou,”thearchantedinalachrymosevoice.

hewentintothehaymarket.itwasdistasteful,verydistastefultobeinacrowd,buthewalkedjustwherehesawmostpeople.hewouldhavegivenanythingintheworldtobealone;butheknewhimselfthathewouldnothaveremainedaloneforamoment.therewasamandrunkanddisorderlyinthecrowd;hekepttryingtodanceandfallingdown.therewasaringroundhim.raskolnikovsqueezedhiswaythroughthecrowd,staredforsomeminutesatthedrunkenmanandsuddenlygaveashortjerkylaugh.aminutelaterhehadforgottenhimanddidnotseehim,thoughhestillstared.hemovedawayatlast,notrememberingwherehewas;butwhenhegotintothemiddleofthesquareanemotionsuddenlycameoverhim,overwhelminghimbodyandmind.

hesuddenlyrecalledsonia’swords,“gotothecross-roads,bowdowntothepeople,kisstheearth,foryouhavesinnedagainstittoo,andsayaloudtothewholeworld,‘iamamurderer.’”hetrembled,rememberingthat.andthehopelessmiseryandanxietyofallthattime,especiallyofthelasthours,hadweighedsoheavilyuponhimthathepositivelyclutchedatthechanceofthisnewunmixed,completesensation.itcameoverhimlikeafit;itwaslikeasinglesparkkindledinhissoulandspreadingfirethroughhim.everythinginhimsoftenedatonceandthetearsstartedintohiseyes.hefelltotheearthonthespot.…

hekneltdowninthemiddleofthesquare,boweddowntotheearth,andkissedthatfilthyearthwithblissandrapture.hegotupandboweddownasecondtime.

“he’sboozed,”ayouthnearhimobserved.

therewasaroaroflaughter.

“he’sgoingtojerusalem,brothers,andsayinggood-byetohischildrenandhiscountry.he’sbowingdowntoalltheworldandkissingthegreatcityofst.petersburganditspavement,”addedaworkmanwhowasalittledrunk.

“quiteayoungman,too!”observedathird.

“andagentleman,”someoneobservedsoberly.

“there’snoknowingwho’sagentlemanandwhoisn’tnowadays.”

theseexclamationsandremarkscheckedraskolnikov,andthewords,“iamamurderer,”whichwereperhapsonthepointofdroppingfromhislips,diedaway.heboretheseremarksquietly,however,and,withoutlookinground,heturneddownastreetleadingtothepoliceoffice.hehadaglimpseofsomethingonthewaywhichdidnotsurprisehim;hehadfeltthatitmustbeso.thesecondtimeheboweddowninthehaymarkethesaw,standingfiftypacesfromhimontheleft,sonia.shewashidingfromhimbehindoneofthewoodenshantiesinthemarket-place.shehadfollowedhimthenonhispainfulway!raskolnikovatthatmomentfeltandknewonceforallthatsoniawaswithhimforeverandwouldfollowhimtotheendsoftheearth,whereverfatemighttakehim.itwrunghisheart…buthewasjustreachingthefatalplace.

hewentintotheyardfairlyresolutely.hehadtomounttothethirdstorey.“ishallbesometimegoingup,”hethought.hefeltasthoughthefatefulmomentwasstillfaroff,asthoughhehadplentyoftimeleftforconsideration.