第204章

第204章againthesamerubbish,thesameeggshellslyingaboutonthespiralstairs,againtheopendoorsoftheflats,againthesamekitchensandthesamefumesandstenchcomingfromthem.raskolnikovhadnotbeenheresincethatday.hislegswerenumbandgavewayunderhim,butstilltheymovedforward.hestoppedforamomenttotakebreath,tocollecthimself,soastoenterlikeaman.“butwhy?whatfor?”hewondered,reflecting.“ifimustdrinkthecupwhatdifferencedoesitmake?themorerevoltingthebetter.”heimaginedforaninstantthefigureofthe“explosivelieutenant,”ilyapetrovitch.washeactuallygoingtohim?couldn’thegotosomeoneelse?tonikodimfomitch?couldn’theturnbackandgostraighttonikodimfomitch’slodgings?atleastthenitwouldbedoneprivately.…no,no!tothe“explosivelieutenant”!ifhemustdrinkit,drinkitoffatonce.

turningcoldandhardlyconscious,heopenedthedooroftheoffice.therewereveryfewpeopleinitthistime—onlyahouseporterandapeasant.thedoorkeeperdidnotevenpeepoutfrombehindhisscreen.raskolnikovwalkedintothenextroom.“perhapsistillneednotspeak,”passedthroughhismind.somesortofclerknotwearingauniformwassettlinghimselfatabureautowrite.inacorneranotherclerkwasseatinghimself.zametovwasnotthere,nor,ofcourse,nikodimfomitch.

“noonein?”raskolnikovasked,addressingthepersonatthebureau.

“whomdoyouwant?”

“a-ah!notasoundwasheard,notasightwasseen,butiscenttherussian…howdoesitgooninthefairytale…i’veforgotten!‘atyourservice!’”afamiliarvoicecriedsuddenly.

raskolnikovshuddered.theexplosivelieutenantstoodbeforehim.hehadjustcomeinfromthethirdroom.“itisthehandoffate,”thoughtraskolnikov.“whyishehere?”

“you’vecometoseeus?whatabout?”criedilyapetrovitch.hewasobviouslyinanexceedinglygoodhumourandperhapsatrifleexhilarated.“ifit’sonbusinessyouareratherearly.1it’sonlyachancethatiamhere…howeveri’lldowhatican.imustadmit,i…whatisit,whatisit?excuseme.…”

“raskolnikov.”

“ofcourse,raskolnikov.youdidn’timaginei’dforgotten?don’tthinkiamlikethat…rodionro—ro—rodionovitch,that’sit,isn’tit?”

“rodionromanovitch.”

“yes,yes,ofcourse,rodionromanovitch!iwasjustgettingatit.imademanyinquiriesaboutyou.iassureyoui’vebeengenuinelygrievedsincethat…sinceibehavedlikethat…itwasexplainedtomeafterwardsthatyouwerealiteraryman…andalearnedonetoo…andsotosaythefirststeps…mercyonus!whatliteraryorscientificmandoesnotbeginbysomeoriginalityofconduct!mywifeandihavethegreatestrespectforliterature,inmywifeit’sagenuinepassion!literatureandart!ifonlyamanisagentleman,alltherestcanbegainedbytalents,learning,goodsense,genius.asforahat—well,whatdoesahatmatter?icanbuyahataseasilyasicanabun;butwhat’sunderthehat,whatthehatcovers,ican’tbuythat!iwasevenmeaningtocomeandapologisetoyou,butthoughtmaybeyou’d…butiamforgettingtoaskyou,isthereanythingyouwantreally?ihearyourfamilyhavecome?”

“yes,mymotherandsister.”

“i’veevenhadthehonourandhappinessofmeetingyoursister—ahighlycultivatedandcharmingperson.iconfessiwassorryigotsohotwithyou.thereitis!butasformylookingsuspiciouslyatyourfaintingfit—thataffairhasbeenclearedupsplendidly!bigotryandfanaticism!iunderstandyourindignation.perhapsyouarechangingyourlodgingonaccountofyourfamily’sarriving?”

“no,ionlylookedin…icametoask…ithoughtthatishouldfindzametovhere.”

“oh,yes!ofcourse,you’vemadefriends,iheard.well,no,zametovisnothere.yes,we’velostzametov.he’snotbeenheresinceyesterday…hequarrelledwitheveryoneonleaving…intherudestway.heisafeather-headedyoungster,that’sall;onemighthaveexpectedsomethingfromhim,butthere,youknowwhattheyare,ourbrilliantyoungmen.hewantedtogoinforsomeexamination,butit’sonlytotalkandboastaboutit,itwillgonofurtherthanthat.ofcourseit’saverydifferentmatterwithyouormr.razumihinthere,yourfriend.yourcareerisanintellectualoneandyouwon’tbedeterredbyfailure.foryou,onemaysay,alltheattractionsoflifenihilest—youareanascetic,amonk,ahermit!…abook,apenbehindyourear,alearnedresearch—that’swhereyourspiritsoars!iamthesamewaymyself.…haveyoureadlivingstone’stravels?”

“no.”

“oh,ihave.thereareagreatmanynihilistsaboutnowadays,youknow,andindeeditisnottobewonderedat.whatsortofdaysarethey?iaskyou.butwethought…youarenotanihilistofcourse?answermeopenly,openly!”

“n-no…”

“believeme,youcanspeakopenlytomeasyouwouldtoyourself!officialdutyisonethingbut…youarethinkingimeanttosayfriendshipisquiteanother?no,you’rewrong!it’snotfriendship,butthefeelingofamanandacitizen,thefeelingofhumanityandofloveforthealmighty.imaybeanofficial,butiamalwaysboundtofeelmyselfamanandacitizen.…youwereaskingaboutzametov.zametovwillmakeascandalinthefrenchstyleinahouseofbadreputation,overaglassofchampagne…that’sallyourzametovisgoodfor!whilei’mperhaps,sotospeak,burningwithdevotionandloftyfeelings,andbesidesihaverank,consequence,apost!iammarriedandhavechildren,ifulfilthedutiesofamanandacitizen,butwhoishe,mayiask?iappealtoyouasamanennobledbyeducation…thenthesemidwives,too,havebecomeextraordinarilynumerous.”

raskolnikovraisedhiseyebrowsinquiringly.thewordsofilyapetrovitch,whohadobviouslybeendining,wereforthemostpartastreamofemptysoundsforhim.butsomeofthemheunderstood.helookedathiminquiringly,notknowinghowitwouldend.