第183章

第183章“yes,itwas.iseethatyou,too,areextremelyinterestedandshallfeelitmydutytosatisfyyourcuriosityatthefirstopportunity.uponmysoul!iseethatireallymightpassforaromanticfigurewithsomepeople.judgehowgratefulimustbetomarfapetrovnaforhavingrepeatedtoavdotyaromanovnasuchmysteriousandinterestinggossipaboutme.idarenotguesswhatimpressionitmadeonher,butinanycaseitworkedinmyinterests.withallavdotyaromanovna’snaturalaversionandinspiteofmyinvariablygloomyandrepellentaspect—shedidatleastfeelpityforme,pityforalostsoul.andifonceagirl’sheartismovedtopity,it’smoredangerousthananything.sheisboundtowantto‘savehim,’tobringhimtohissenses,andlifthimupanddrawhimtonobleraims,andrestorehimtonewlifeandusefulness—well,weallknowhowfarsuchdreamscango.isawatoncethatthebirdwasflyingintothecageofherself.anditoomadeready.ithinkyouarefrowning,rodionromanovitch?there’snoneed.asyouknow,itallendedinsmoke.(hangitall,whatalotiamdrinking!)doyouknow,ialways,fromtheverybeginning,regrettedthatitwasn’tyoursister’sfatetobeborninthesecondorthirdcenturya.d.,asthedaughterofareigningprinceorsomegovernororpro-consulinasiaminor.shewouldundoubtedlyhavebeenoneofthosewhowouldenduremartyrdomandwouldhavesmiledwhentheybrandedherbosomwithhotpincers.andshewouldhavegonetoitofherself.andinthefourthorfifthcenturyshewouldhavewalkedawayintotheegyptiandesertandwouldhavestayedtherethirtyyearslivingonrootsandecstasiesandvisions.sheissimplythirstingtofacesometortureforsomeone,andifshecan’tgethertorture,she’llthrowherselfoutofawindow.i’veheardsomethingofamr.razumihin—he’ssaidtobeasensiblefellow;hissurnameestsit,indeed.he’sprobablyadivinitystudent.well,he’dbetterlookafteryoursister!ibelieveiunderstandher,andiamproudofit.butatthebeginningofanacquaintance,asyouknow,oneisapttobemoreheedlessandstupid.onedoesn’tseeclearly.hangitall,whyisshesohandsome?it’snotmyfault.infact,itbeganonmysidewithamostirresistiblephysicaldesire.avdotyaromanovnaisawfullychaste,incrediblyandphenomenallyso.takenote,itellyouthisaboutyoursisterasafact.sheisalmostmorbidlychaste,inspiteofherbroadintelligence,anditwillstandinherway.therehappenedtobeagirlinthehousethen,parasha,ablack-eyedwench,whomihadneverseenbefore—shehadjustcomefromanothervillage—verypretty,butincrediblystupid:sheburstintotears,wailedsothatshecouldbeheardallovertheplaceandcausedscandal.onedayafterdinneravdotyaromanovnafollowedmeintoanavenueinthegardenandwithflashingeyesinsistedonmyleavingpoorparashaalone.itwasalmostourfirstconversationbyourselves.i,ofcourse,wasonlytoopleasedtoobeyherwishes,triedtoappeardisconcerted,embarrassed,infactplayedmypartnotbadly.thencameinterviews,mysteriousconversations,exhortations,entreaties,supplications,eventears—wouldyoubelieveit,eventears?thinkwhatthepassionforpropagandawillbringsomegirlsto!i,ofcourse,threwitallonmydestiny,posedashungeringandthirstingforlight,andfinallyresortedtothemostpowerfulweaponinthesubjectionofthefemaleheart,aweaponwhichneverfailsone.it’sthewell-knownresource—flattery.nothingintheworldisharderthanspeakingthetruthandnothingeasierthanflattery.ifthere’sthehundredthpartofafalsenoteinspeakingthetruth,itleadstoadiscord,andthatleadstotrouble.butifall,tothelastnote,isfalseinflattery,itisjustasagreeable,andisheardnotwithoutsatisfaction.itmaybeacoarsesatisfaction,butstillasatisfaction.andhowevercoarsetheflattery,atleasthalfwillbesuretoseemtrue.that’ssoforallstagesofdevelopmentandclassesofsociety.avestalvirginmightbeseducedbyflattery.icanneverrememberwithoutlaughterhowionceseducedaladywhowasdevotedtoherhusband,herchildren,andherprinciples.whatfunitwasandhowlittletrouble!andtheladyreallyhadprinciples—ofherown,anyway.allmytacticslayinsimplybeingutterlyannihilatedandprostratebeforeherpurity.iflatteredhershamelessly,andassoonasieededingettingapressureofthehand,evenaglancefromher,iwouldreproachmyselfforhavingsnatcheditbyforce,andwoulddeclarethatshehadresisted,sothaticouldneverhavegainedanythingbutformybeingsounprincipled.imaintainedthatshewassoinnocentthatshecouldnotforeseemytreachery,andyieldedtomeunconsciously,unawares,andsoon.infact,itriumphed,whilemyladyremainedfirmlyconvincedthatshewasinnocent,chaste,andfaithfultoallherdutiesandobligationsandhadumbedquitebyaccident.andhowangryshewaswithmewheniexplainedtoheratlastthatitwasmysincereconvictionthatshewasjustaseagerasi.poormarfapetrovnawasawfullyweakonthesideofflattery,andifihadonlycaredto,imighthavehadallherpropertysettledonmeduringherlifetime.(iamdrinkinganawfullotofwinenowandtalkingtoomuch.)ihopeyouwon’tbeangryifimentionnowthatiwasbeginningtoproducethesameeffectonavdotyaromanovna.butiwasstupidandimpatientandspoileditall.avdotyaromanovnahadseveraltimes—andonetimeinparticular—beengreatlydispleasedbytheexpressionofmyeyes,wouldyoubelieveit?therewassometimesalightinthemwhichfrightenedherandgrewstrongerandstrongerandmoreunguardedtillitwashatefultoher.noneedtogointodetail,butweparted.thereiactedstupidlyagain.ifelltojeeringinthecoarsestwayatallsuchpropagandaandeffortstoconvertme;parashacameontothesceneagain,andnotshealone;infacttherewasatremendousto-do.ah,rodionromanovitch,ifyoucouldonlyseehowyoursister’seyescanflashsometimes!nevermindmybeingdrunkatthismomentandhavinghadawholeglassofwine.iamspeakingthetruth.iassureyouthatthisglancehashauntedmydreams;theveryrustleofherdresswasmorethanicouldstandatlast.ireallybegantothinkthatimightbecomeepileptic.icouldneverhavebelievedthaticouldbemovedtosuchafrenzy.itwasessential,indeed,tobereconciled,butbythenitwasimpossible.andimaginewhatididthen!towhatapitchofstupidityamancanbebroughtbyfrenzy!neverundertakeanythinginafrenzy,rodionromanovitch.ireflectedthatavdotyaromanovnawasafterallaar(ach,excuseme,that’snottheword…butdoesitmatterifitexpressesthemeaning?),thatshelivedbyherwork,thatshehadhermotherandyoutokeep(ach,hangit,youarefrowningagain),andiresolvedtoofferherallmymoney—thirtythousandroublesicouldhaverealisedthen—ifshewouldrunawaywithmehere,topetersburg.ofcourseishouldhavevowedeternallove,rapture,andsoon.doyouknow,iwassowildaboutheratthattimethatifshehadtoldmetopoisonmarfapetrovnaortocutherthroatandtomarryherself,itwouldhavebeendoneatonce!butitendedinthecatastropheofwhichyouknowalready.youcanfancyhowfranticiwaswheniheardthatmarfapetrovnahadgotholdofthatscoundrellyattorney,luzhin,andhadalmostmadeamatchbetweenthem—whichwouldreallyhavebeenjustthesamethingasiwasproposing.wouldn’tit?wouldn’tit?inoticethatyou’vebeguntobeveryattentive…youinterestingyoungman.…”