第182章

第182章“youknowperhaps—yes,itoldyoumyself,”begansvidrigailov,“thatiwasinthedebtors’prisonhere,foranimmensesum,andhadnotanyexpectationofbeingabletopayit.there’snoneedtogointoparticularshowmarfapetrovnaboughtmeout;doyouknowtowhatapointofinsanityawomancansometimeslove?shewasanhonestwoman,andverysensible,althoughcompletelyuneducated.wouldyoubelievethatthishonestandjealouswoman,aftermanyscenesofhystericsandreproaches,condescendedtoenterintoakindofcontractwithmewhichshekeptthroughoutourmarriedlife?shewasconsiderablyolderthani,andbesides,shealwayskeptacloveorsomethinginhermouth.therewassomuchswinishnessinmysoulandhonestytoo,ofasort,astotellherstraightoutthaticouldn’tbeabsolutelyfaithfultoher.thisconfessiondrovehertofrenzy,butyetsheseemsinawaytohavelikedmybrutalfrankness.shethoughtitshowediwasunwillingtodeceiveherifiwarnedherlikethisbeforehandandforajealouswoman,youknow,that’sthefirstconsideration.aftermanytearsanunwrittencontractwasdrawnupbetweenus:first,thatiwouldneverleavemarfapetrovnaandwouldalwaysbeherhusband;secondly,thatiwouldneverabsentmyselfwithoutherpermission;thirdly,thatiwouldneversetupapermanentmistress;fourthly,inreturnforthis,marfapetrovnagavemeafreehandwiththemaidservants,butonlywithhersecretknowledge;fifthly,godforbidmyfallinginlovewithawomanofourclass;sixthly,incasei—whichgodforbid—shouldbevisitedbyagreatseriouspassioniwasboundtorevealittomarfapetrovna.onthislastscore,however,marfapetrovnawasfairlyatease.shewasasensiblewomanandsoshecouldnothelplookinguponmeasadissoluteprofligateincapableofreallove.butasensiblewomanandajealouswomanaretwoverydifferentthings,andthat’swherethetroublecamein.buttojudgesomepeopleimpartiallywemustrenouncecertainpreconceivedopinionsandourhabitualattitudetotheordinarypeopleaboutus.ihavereasontohavefaithinyourjudgmentratherthaninanyone’s.perhapsyouhavealreadyheardagreatdealthatwasridiculousandabsurdaboutmarfapetrovna.shecertainlyhadsomeveryridiculousways,butitellyoufranklythatifeelreallysorryfortheinnumerablewoesofwhichiwasthecause.well,andthat’senough,ithink,bywayofadecorousoraisonfunebreforthemosttenderwifeofamosttenderhusband.whenwequarrelled,iusuallyheldmytongueanddidnotirritateherandthatgentlemanlyconductrarelyfailedtoattainitsobject,itinfluencedher,itpleasedher,indeed.theseweretimeswhenshewaspositivelyproudofme.butyoursistershecouldn’tputupwith,anyway.andhowevershecametorisktakingsuchabeautifulcreatureintoherhouseasagoverness.myexplanationisthatmarfapetrovnawasanardentandimpressionablewomanandsimplyfellinloveherself—literallyfellinlove—withyoursister.well,littlewonder—lookatavdotyaromanovna!isawthedangeratthefirstglanceandwhatdoyouthink,iresolvednottolookathereven.butavdotyaromanovnaherselfmadethefirststep,wouldyoubelieveit?wouldyoubelieveittoothatmarfapetrovnawaspositivelyangrywithmeatfirstformypersistentsilenceaboutyoursister,formycarelessreceptionofhercontinualadoringpraisesofavdotyaromanovna.idon’tknowwhatitwasshewanted!well,ofcourse,marfapetrovnatoldavdotyaromanovnaeverydetailaboutme.shehadtheunfortunatehabitoftellingliterallyeveryoneallourfamilysecretsandcontinuallycomplainingofme;howcouldshefailtoconfideinsuchadelightfulnewfriend?iexpecttheytalkedofnothingelsebutmeandnodoubtavdotyaromanovnaheardallthosedarkmysteriousrumoursthatwerecurrentaboutme.…idon’tmindbettingthatyoutoohaveheardsomethingofthesortalready?”

“ihave.luzhinchargedyouwithhavingcausedthedeathofachild.isthattrue?”

“don’trefertothosevulgartales,ibeg,”saidsvidrigailovwithdisgustandannoyance.“ifyouinsistonwantingtoknowaboutallthatidiocy,iwilltellyouoneday,butnow…”

“iwastoldtooaboutsomefootmanofyoursinthecountrywhomyoutreatedbadly.”

“ibegyoutodropthesubject,”svidrigailovinterruptedagainwithobviousimpatience.

“wasthatthefootmanwhocametoyouafterdeathtofillyourpipe?…youtoldmeaboutityourself.”raskolnikovfeltmoreandmoreirritated.

svidrigailovlookedathimattentivelyandraskolnikovfanciedhecaughtaflashofspitefulmockeryinthatlook.butsvidrigailovrestrainedhimselfandansweredverycivilly: