第181章

第181章“yes,i’vebeenacard-sharpertoo.”

“didn’tyougetthrashedsometimes?”

“itdidhappen.why?”

“why,youmighthavechallengedthem…altogetheritmusthavebeenlively.”

“iwon’tcontradictyou,andbesidesiamnohandatphilosophy.iconfessthatihastenedhereforthesakeofthewomen.”

“assoonasyouburiedmarfapetrovna?”

“quiteso,”svidrigailovsmiledwithengagingcandour.“whatofit?youseemtofindsomethingwronginmyspeakinglikethataboutwomen?”

“youaskwhetherifindanythingwronginvice?”

“vice!oh,that’swhatyouareafter!buti’llansweryouinorder,firstaboutwomeningeneral;youknowiamfondoftalking.tellme,whatshouldirestrainmyselffor?whyshouldigiveupwomen,sinceihaveapassionforthem?it’sanoccupation,anyway.”

“soyouhopefornothingherebutvice?”

“oh,verywell,forvicethen.youinsistonitsbeingvice.butanywayilikeadirectquestion.inthisviceatleastthereissomethingpermanent,foundedindeeduponnatureandnotdependentonfantasy,somethingpresentinthebloodlikeanever-burningember,foreversettingoneonfireand,maybe,nottobequicklyextinguished,evenwithyears.you’llagreeit’sanoccupationofasort.”

“that’snothingtorejoiceat,it’sadiseaseandadangerousone.”

“oh,that’swhatyouthink,isit!iagree,thatitisadiseaselikeeverythingthatexceedsmoderation.and,ofcourse,inthisonemustexceedmoderation.butinthefirstplace,everybodydoessoinonewayoranother,andinthesecondplace,ofcourse,oneoughttobemoderateandprudent,howevermeanitmaybe,butwhatamitodo?ifihadn’tthis,imighthavetoshootmyself.iamreadytoadmitthatadecentmanoughttoputupwithbeingbored,butyet…”

“andcouldyoushootyourself?”

“oh,come!”svidrigailovparriedwithdisgust.“pleasedon’tspeakofit,”headdedhurriedlyandwithnoneoftheingtonehehadshowninallthepreviousconversation.hisfacequitechanged.“iadmitit’sanunpardonableweakness,butican’thelpit.iamafraidofdeathandidislikeitsbeingtalkedof.doyouknowthatiamtoacertainextentamystic?”

“ah,theapparitionsofmarfapetrovna!dotheystillgoonvisitingyou?”

“oh,don’ttalkofthem;therehavebeennomoreinpetersburg,confoundthem!”hecriedwithanairofirritation.“let’srathertalkofthat…though…h’m!ihavenotmuchtime,andcan’tstaylongwithyou,it’sapity!ishouldhavefoundplentytotellyou.”

“what’syourengagement,awoman?”

“yes,awoman,acasualincident.…no,that’snotwhatiwanttotalkof.”

“andthehideousness,thefilthinessofallyoursurroundings,doesn’tthataffectyou?haveyoulostthestrengthtostopyourself?”

“anddoyoupretendtostrength,too?he-he-he!yousurprisedmejustnow,rodionromanovitch,thoughiknewbeforehanditwouldbeso.youpreachtomeaboutviceandaesthetics!you—aschiller,you—anidealist!ofcoursethat’sallasitshouldbeanditwouldbesurprisingifitwerenotso,yetitisstrangeinreality.…ah,whatapityihavenotime,foryou’reamostinterestingtype!and,by-the-way,areyoufondofschiller?iamawfullyfondofhim.”

“butwhataartyouare,”raskolnikovsaidwithsomedisgust.

“uponmyword,iamnot,”answeredsvidrigailovlaughing.“however,iwon’tdisputeit,letmebeaart,whynotbrag,ifithurtsnoone?ispentsevenyearsinthecountrywithmarfapetrovna,sonowwhenicomeacrossanintelligentpersonlikeyou—intelligentandhighlyinteresting—iamsimplygladtotalkand,besides,i’vedrunkthathalf-glassofchampagneandit’sgonetomyheadalittle.andbesides,there’sacertainfactthathaswoundmeuptremendously,butaboutthati…willkeepquiet.whereareyouoffto?”heaskedinalarm.

raskolnikovhadbegungettingup.hefeltoppressedandstifledand,asitwere,illateaseathavingcomehere.hefeltconvincedthatsvidrigailovwasthemostworthlessscoundrelonthefaceoftheearth.

“a-ach!sitdown,stayalittle!”svidrigailoved.“letthembringyousometea,anyway.stayalittle,iwon’ttalknonsense,aboutmyself,imean.i’lltellyousomething.ifyoulikei’lltellyouhowawomantried‘tosave’me,asyouwouldcallit?itwillbeananswertoyourfirstquestionindeed,forthewomanwasyoursister.mayitellyou?itwillhelptospendthetime.”

“tellme,butitrustthatyou…”

“oh,don’tbeuneasy.besides,eveninaworthlesslowfellowlikeme,avdotyaromanovnacanonlyexcitethedeepestrespect.”