第168章

第168章astrangeperiodbeganforraskolnikov:itwasasthoughafoghadfallenuponhimandwrappedhiminadrearysolitudefromwhichtherewasnoescape.recallingthatperiodlongafter,hebelievedthathismindhadbeencloudedattimes,andthatithadcontinuedso,withintervals,tillthefinalcatastrophe.hewasconvincedthathehadbeenmistakenaboutmanythingsatthattime,forinstanceastothedateofcertainevents.anyway,whenhetriedlaterontopiecehisrecollectionstogether,helearntagreatdealabouthimselffromwhatotherpeopletoldhim.hehadmixedupincidentsandhadexplainedeventsasduetocircumstanceswhichexistedonlyinhisimagination.attimeshewasapreytoagoniesofmorbiduneasiness,amountingsometimestopanic.butheremembered,too,moments,hours,perhapswholedays,ofcompleteapathy,whichcameuponhimasareactionfromhispreviousterrorandmightbecomparedwiththeabnormalinsensibility,sometimesseeninthedying.heseemedtobetryinginthatlatterstagetoescapefromafullandclearunderstandingofhisposition.certainessentialfactswhichrequiredimmediateconsiderationwereparticularlyirksometohim.howgladhewouldhavebeentobefreefromsomecares,theneglectofwhichwouldhavethreatenedhimwithcomplete,inevitableruin.

hewasparticularlyworriedaboutsvidrigailov,hemightbesaidtobepermanentlythinkingofsvidrigailov.fromthetimeofsvidrigailov’stoomenacingandunmistakablewordsinsonia’sroomatthemomentofkaterinaivanovna’sdeath,thenormalworkingofhismindseemedtobreakdown.butalthoughthisnewfactcausedhimextremeuneasiness,raskolnikovwasinnohurryforanexplanationofit.attimes,findinghimselfinasolitaryandremotepartofthetown,insomewretchedeating-house,sittingalonelostinthought,hardlyknowinghowhehadcomethere,hesuddenlythoughtofsvidrigailov.herecognisedsuddenly,clearly,andwithdismaythatheoughtatoncetocometoanunderstandingwiththatmanandtomakewhattermshecould.walkingoutsidethecitygatesoneday,hepositivelyfanciedthattheyhadfixedameetingthere,thathewaswaitingforsvidrigailov.anothertimehewokeupbeforedaybreaklyingonthegroundundersomebushesandcouldnotatfirstunderstandhowhehadcomethere.

butduringthetwoorthreedaysafterkaterinaivanovna’sdeath,hehadtwoorthreetimesmetsvidrigailovatsonia’slodging,wherehehadgoneaimlesslyforamoment.theyexchangedafewwordsandmadenoreferencetothevitalsubject,asthoughtheyweretacitlyagreednottospeakofitforatime.

katerinaivanovna’sbodywasstilllyinginthecoffin,svidrigailovwasbusymakingarrangementsforthefuneral.soniatoowasverybusy.attheirlastmeetingsvidrigailovinformedraskolnikovthathehadmadeanarrangement,andaverysatisfactoryone,forkaterinaivanovna’schildren;thathehad,throughcertainconnections,eededingettingholdofcertainpersonagesbywhosehelpthethreeorphanscouldbeatonceplacedinverysuitableinstitutions;thatthemoneyhehadsettledonthemhadbeenofgreatassistance,asitismucheasiertoplaceorphanswithsomepropertythandestituteones.hesaidsomethingtooaboutsoniaandpromisedtocomehimselfinadayortwotoseeraskolnikov,mentioningthat“hewouldliketoconsultwithhim,thattherewerethingstheymusttalkover.…”

thisconversationtookplaceinthepassageonthestairs.svidrigailovlookedintentlyatraskolnikovandsuddenly,afterabriefpause,droppinghisvoice,asked:“buthowisit,rodionromanovitch;youdon’tseemyourself?youlookandyoulisten,butyoudon’tseemtounderstand.cheerup!we’lltalkthingsover;iamonlysorry,i’vesomuchtodoofmyownbusinessandotherpeople’s.ah,rodionromanovitch,”headdedsuddenly,“whatallmenneedisfreshair,freshair…morethananything!”

hemovedtoonesidetomakewayforthepriestandserver,whowerecomingupthestairs.theyhadcomefortherequiemservice.bysvidrigailov’sordersitwassungtwiceadaypunctually.svidrigailovwenthisway.raskolnikovstoodstillamoment,thought,andfollowedthepriestintosonia’sroom.hestoodatthedoor.theybeganquietly,slowlyandmournfullysingingtheservice.fromhischildhoodthethoughtofdeathandthepresenceofdeathhadsomethingoppressiveandmysteriouslyawful;anditwaslongsincehehadheardtherequiemservice.andtherewassomethingelsehereaswell,tooawfulanddisturbing.helookedatthechildren:theywereallkneelingbythecoffin;polenkawasweeping.behindthemsoniaprayed,softlyand,asitwere,timidlyweeping.

“theselasttwodaysshehasn’tsaidawordtome,shehasn’tglancedatme,”raskolnikovthoughtsuddenly.thesunlightwasbrightintheroom;theincenseroseinclouds;thepriestread,“giverest,ohlord.…”raskolnikovstayedallthroughtheservice.asheblessedthemandtookhisleave,thepriestlookedroundstrangely.aftertheservice,raskolnikovwentuptosonia.shetookbothhishandsandletherheadsinkonhisshoulder.thisslightfriendlygesturebewilderedraskolnikov.itseemedstrangetohimthattherewasnotraceofrepugnance,notraceofdisgust,notremorinherhand.itwasthefurthestlimitofself-abnegation,atleastsoheinterpretedit.