第169章

第169章soniasaidnothing.raskolnikovpressedherhandandwentout.hefeltverymiserable.ifithadbeenpossibletoescapetosomesolitude,hewouldhavethoughthimselflucky,evenifhehadtospendhiswholelifethere.butalthoughhehadalmostalwaysbeenbyhimselfoflate,hehadneverbeenabletofeelalone.sometimeshewalkedoutofthetownontothehighroad,oncehehadevenreachedalittlewood,buttheloneliertheplacewas,themoreheseemedtobeawareofanuneasypresencenearhim.itdidnotfrightenhim,butgreatlyannoyedhim,sothathemadehastetoreturntothetown,tominglewiththecrowd,toenterrestaurantsandtaverns,towalkinbusythoroughfares.therehefelteasierandevenmoresolitary.onedayatduskhesatforanhourlisteningtosongsinatavernandherememberedthathepositivelyenjoyedit.butatlasthehadsuddenlyfeltthesameuneasinessagain,asthoughhisconsciencesmotehim.“hereisitlisteningtosinging,isthatwhatioughttobedoing?”hethought.yethefeltatoncethatthatwasnottheonlycauseofhisuneasiness;therewassomethingrequiringimmediatedecision,butitwassomethinghecouldnotclearlyunderstandorputintowords.itwasahopelesstangle.“no,bettertheleagain!betterporfiryagain…orsvidrigailov.…bettersomechallengeagain…someattack.yes,yes!”hethought.hewentoutofthetavernandrushedawayalmostatarun.thethoughtofdouniaandhismothersuddenlyreducedhimalmosttoapanic.thatnighthewokeupbeforemorningamongsomebushesinkrestovskyisland,tremblingalloverwithfever;hewalkedhome,anditwasearlymorningwhenhearrived.aftersomehours’sleepthefeverlefthim,buthewokeuplate,twoo’clockintheafternoon.

herememberedthatkaterinaivanovna’sfuneralhadbeenfixedforthatday,andwasgladthathewasnotpresentatit.nastasyabroughthimsomefood;heateanddrankwithappetite,almostwithgreediness.hisheadwasfresherandhewascalmerthanhehadbeenforthelastthreedays.heevenfeltapassingwonderathispreviousattacksofpanic.

thedooropenedandrazumihincamein.

“ah,he’seating,thenhe’snotill,”saidrazumihin.hetookachairandsatdownatthetableoppositeraskolnikov.

hewastroubledanddidnotattempttoconcealit.hespokewithevidentannoyance,butwithouthurryorraisinghisvoice.helookedasthoughhehadsomespecialfixeddetermination.

“listen,”hebeganresolutely.“asfarasiamconcerned,youmayallgotohell,butfromwhatisee,it’scleartomethatican’tmakeheadortailofit;pleasedon’tthinki’vecometoaskyouquestions.idon’twanttoknow,hangit!ifyoubegintellingmeyoursecrets,idaresayishouldn’tstaytolisten,ishouldgoawaycursing.ihaveonlycometofindoutonceforallwhetherit’safactthatyouaremad?thereisaconvictionintheairthatyouaremadorverynearlyso.iadmiti’vebeendisposedtothatopinionmyself,judgingfromyourstupid,repulsiveandquiteinexplicableactions,andfromyourrecentbehaviortoyourmotherandsister.onlyamonsteroramadmancouldtreatthemasyouhave;soyoumustbemad.”

“whendidyouseethemlast?”

“justnow.haven’tyouseenthemsincethen?whathaveyoubeendoingwithyourself?tellme,please.i’vebeentoyouthreetimesalready.yourmotherhasbeenseriouslyillsinceyesterday.shehadmadeuphermindtocometoyou;avdotyaromanovnatriedtopreventher;shewouldn’thearaword.‘ifheisill,ifhismindisgivingway,whocanlookafterhimlikehismother?’shesaid.weallcameheretogether,wecouldn’tlethercomealonealltheway.wekeptinghertobecalm.wecamein,youweren’there;shesatdown,andstayedtenminutes,whilewestoodwaitinginsilence.shegotupandsaid:‘ifhe’sgoneout,thatis,ifheiswell,andhasforgottenhismother,it’shumiliatingandunseemlyforhismothertostandathisdooringforkindness.’shereturnedhomeandtooktoherbed;nowsheisinafever.‘isee,’shesaid,‘thathehastimeforhisgirl.’shemeansbyyourgirlsofyasemyonovna,yourbetrothedoryourmistress,idon’tknow.iwentatoncetosofyasemyonovna’s,foriwantedtoknowwhatwasgoingon.ilookedround,isawthecoffin,thechildrencrying,andsofyasemyonovnatryingthemonmourningdresses.nosignofyou.iapologised,cameaway,andreportedtoavdotyaromanovna.sothat’sallnonsenseandyouhaven’tgotagirl;themostlikelythingisthatyouaremad.buthereyousit,guzzlingboiledbeefasthoughyou’dnothadabiteforthreedays.thoughasfarasthatgoes,madmeneattoo,butthoughyouhavenotsaidawordtomeyet…youarenotmad!thati’dswear!aboveall,youarenotmad!soyoumaygotohell,allofyou,forthere’ssomemystery,somesecretaboutit,andidon’tintendtoworrymybrainsoveryoursecrets.soi’vesimplycometoswearatyou,”hefinished,gettingup,“torelievemymind.andiknowwhattodonow.”

“whatdoyoumeantodonow?”

“whatbusinessisitofyourswhatimeantodo?”

“youaregoinginforadrinkingbout.”

“how…howdidyouknow?”

“why,it’sprettyplain.”

razumihinpausedforaminute.

“youalwayshavebeenaveryrationalpersonandyou’veneverbeenmad,never,”heobservedsuddenlywithwarmth.“you’reright:ishalldrink.good-bye!”

andhemovedtogoout.

“iwastalkingwithmysister—thedaybeforeyesterday,ithinkitwas—aboutyou,razumihin.”

“aboutme!but…wherecanyouhaveseenherthedaybeforeyesterday?”razumihinstoppedshortandeventurnedalittlepale.

onecouldseethathisheartwasthrobbingslowlyandviolently.

“shecameherebyherself,satthereandtalkedtome.”

“shedid!”

“yes.”

“whatdidyousaytoher…imean,aboutme?”

“itoldheryouwereaverygood,honest,andindustriousman.ididn’ttellheryouloveher,becausesheknowsthatherself.”

“sheknowsthatherself?”