第126章

第126章“icametospeakofsomething,”raskolnikovsaidaloud,frowning.hegotupandwenttosonia.sheliftedhereyestohiminsilence.hisfacewasparticularlysternandtherewasasortofsavagedeterminationinit.

“ihaveabandonedmyfamilyto-day,”hesaid,“mymotherandsister.iamnotgoingtoseethem.i’vebrokenwiththemcompletely.”

“whatfor?”askedsoniaamazed.herrecentmeetingwithhismotherandsisterhadleftagreatimpressionwhichshecouldnotanalyse.sheheardhisnewsalmostwithhorror.

“ihaveonlyyounow,”headded.“letusgotogether.…i’vecometoyou,wearebothaccursed,letusgoourwaytogether!”

hiseyesglittered“asthoughheweremad,”soniathought,inherturn.

“gowhere?”sheaskedinalarmandsheinvoluntarilysteppedback.

“howdoiknow?ionlyknowit’sthesameroad,iknowthatandnothingmore.it’sthesamegoal!”

shelookedathimandunderstoodnothing.sheknewonlythathewasterribly,infinitelyunhappy.

“nooneofthemwillunderstand,ifyoutellthem,butihaveunderstood.ineedyou,thatiswhyihavecometoyou.”

“idon’tunderstand,”whisperedsonia.

“you’llunderstandlater.haven’tyoudonethesame?you,too,havetransgressed…havehadthestrengthtotransgress.youhavelaidhandsonyourself,youhavedestroyedalife…yourown(it’sallthesame!).youmighthavelivedinspiritandunderstanding,butyou’llendinthehaymarket.…butyouwon’tbeabletostandit,andifyouremainaloneyou’llgooutofyourmindlikeme.youarelikeamadcreaturealready.sowemustgotogetheronthesameroad!letusgo!”

“whatfor?what’sallthisfor?”saidsonia,strangelyandviolentlyagitatedbyhiswords.

“whatfor?becauseyoucan’tremainlikethis,that’swhy!youmustlookthingsstraightinthefaceatlast,andnotweeplikeachildandcrythatgodwon’tallowit.whatwillhappen,ifyoushouldreallybetakentothehospitalto-morrow?sheismadandinconsumption,she’llsoondieandthechildren?doyoumeantotellmepolenkawon’tcometogrief?haven’tyouseenchildrenhereatthestreetcornerssentoutbytheirmotherstobeg?i’vefoundoutwherethosemothersliveandinwhatsurroundings.childrencan’tremainchildrenthere!atseventhechildisviciousandathief.yetchildren,youknow,aretheimageofchrist:‘theirsisthekingdomofheaven.’hebadeushonourandlovethem,theyarethehumanityofthefuture.…”

“what’stobedone,what’stobedone?”repeatedsonia,weepinghystericallyandwringingherhands.

“what’stobedone?breakwhatmustbebroken,onceforall,that’sall,andtakethesufferingononeself.what,youdon’tunderstand?you’llunderstandlater.…freedomandpower,andaboveall,power!overalltremblingcreationandalltheant-heap!…that’sthegoal,rememberthat!that’smyfarewellmessage.perhapsit’sthelasttimeishallspeaktoyou.ifidon’tcometo-morrow,you’llhearofitall,andthenrememberthesewords.andsomedaylateron,inyearstocome,you’llunderstandperhapswhattheymeant.ificometo-morrow,i’lltellyouwhokilledlizaveta.…good-bye.”

soniastartedwithterror.

“why,doyouknowwhokilledher?”sheasked,chilledwithhorror,lookingwildlyathim.

“iknowandwilltell…you,onlyyou.ihavechosenyouout.i’mnotcomingtoyoutoaskforgiveness,butsimplytotellyou.ichoseyououtlongagotohearthis,whenyourfathertalkedofyouandwhenlizavetawasalive,ithoughtofit.good-bye,don’tshakehands.to-morrow!”

hewentout.soniagazedathimasatamadman.butsheherselfwaslikeoneinsaneandfeltit.herheadwasgoinground.

“goodheavens,howdoesheknowwhokilledlizaveta?whatdidthosewordsmean?it’sawful!”butatthesametimetheideadidnotenterherhead,notforamoment!“oh,hemustbeterriblyunhappy!…hehasabandonedhismotherandsister.…whatfor?whathashappened?andwhathadheinhismind?whatdidhesaytoher?hehadkissedherfootandsaid…said(yes,hehadsaiditclearly)thathecouldnotlivewithouther.…oh,mercifulheavens!”

soniaspentthewholenightfeverishanddelirious.shejumpedupfromtimetotime,weptandwrungherhands,thensankagainintofeverishsleepanddreamtofpolenka,katerinaivanovnaandlizaveta,ofreadingthegospelandhim…himwithpaleface,withburningeyes…kissingherfeet,weeping.

ontheothersideofthedoorontheright,whichdividedsonia’sroomfrommadameresslich’sflat,wasaroomwhichhadlongstoodempty.acardwasfixedonthegateandanoticestuckinthewindowsoverthecanaladvertisingittolet.soniahadlongbeenaccustomedtotheroom’sbeinguninhabited.butallthattimemr.svidrigailovhadbeenstanding,listeningatthedooroftheemptyroom.whenraskolnikovwentouthestoodstill,thoughtamoment,wentontiptoetohisownroomwhichadjoinedtheemptyone,broughtachairandnoiselesslycarriedittothedoorthatledtosonia’sroom.theconversationhadstruckhimasinterestingandremarkable,andhehadgreatlyenjoyedit—somuchsothathebroughtachairthathemightnotinthefuture,to-morrow,forinstance,havetoenduretheinconvenienceofstandingawholehour,butmightlistenincomfort.