第125章

第125章raskolnikovsawinpartwhysoniacouldnotbringherselftoreadtohimandthemorehesawthis,themoreroughlyandirritablyheinsistedonherdoingso.heunderstoodonlytoowellhowpainfulitwasforhertobetrayandunveilallthatwasherown.heunderstoodthatthesefeelingsreallywerehersecrettreasure,whichshehadkeptperhapsforyears,perhapsfromchildhood,whileshelivedwithanunhappyfatherandadistractedstepmothercrazedbygrief,inthemidstofstarvingchildrenandunseemlyabuseandreproaches.butatthesametimeheknewnowandknewforcertainthat,althoughitfilledherwithdreadandsuffering,yetshehadatormentingdesiretoreadandtoreadtohimthathemighthearit,andtoreadnowwhatevermightcomeofit!…hereadthisinhereyes,hecouldseeitinherintenseemotion.shemasteredherself,controlledthespasminherthroatandwentonreadingtheeleventhchapterofst.john.shewentontothenineteenthverse:

“andmanyofthejewscametomarthaandmarytocomfortthemconcerningtheirbrother.

“thenmarthaassoonassheheardthatjesuswascomingwentandmethim:butmarysatstillinthehouse.

“thensaidmarthauntojesus,lord,ifthouhadstbeenhere,mybrotherhadnotdied.

“butiknowthatevennowwhatsoeverthouwiltaskofgod,godwillgiveitthee.…”

thenshestoppedagainwithashamefacedfeelingthathervoicewouldquiverandbreakagain.

“jesussaiduntoher,thybrothershallriseagain.

“marthasaithuntohim,iknowthatheshallriseagainintheresurrection,atthelastday.

“jesussaiduntoher,iamtheresurrectionandthelife:hethatbelievethinmethoughheweredead,yetshallhelive.

“andwhosoeverlivethandbelievethinmeshallneverdie.believestthouthis?

“shesaithuntohim,”

(anddrawingapainfulbreath,soniareaddistinctlyandforciblyasthoughsheweremakingapublicconfessionoffaith.)

“yea,lord:ibelievethatthouartthechrist,thesonofgodwhichshouldcomeintotheworld.”

shestoppedandlookedupquicklyathim,butcontrollingherselfwentonreading.raskolnikovsatwithoutmoving,hiselbowsonthetableandhiseyesturnedaway.shereadtothethirty-secondverse.

“thenwhenmarywascomewherejesuswasandsawhim,shefelldownathisfeet,sayinguntohim,lordifthouhadstbeenhere,mybrotherhadnotdied.

“whenjesusthereforesawherweeping,andthejewsalsoweepingwhichcamewithher,hegroanedinthespiritandwastroubled,

“andsaid,wherehaveyelaidhim?theysaiduntohim,lord,comeandsee.

“jesuswept.

“thensaidthejews,beholdhowhelovedhim!

“andsomeofthemsaid,couldnotthismanwhichopenedtheeyesoftheblind,havecausedthateventhismanshouldnothavedied?”

raskolnikovturnedandlookedatherwithemotion.yes,hehadknownit!shewastremblinginarealphysicalfever.hehadexpectedit.shewasgettingnearthestoryofthegreatestmiracleandafeelingofimmensetriumphcameoverher.hervoicerangoutlikeabell;triumphandjoygaveitpower.thelinesdancedbeforehereyes,butsheknewwhatshewasreadingbyheart.atthelastverse“couldnotthismanwhichopenedtheeyesoftheblind…”droppinghervoiceshepassionatelyreproducedthedoubt,thereproachandcensureoftheblinddisbelievingjews,whoinanothermomentwouldfallathisfeetasthoughstruckbythunder,sobbingandbelieving.…“andhe,he—too,isblindedandunbelieving,he,too,willhear,he,too,willbelieve,yes,yes!atonce,now,”waswhatshewasdreaming,andshewasquiveringwithhappyanticipation.

“jesusthereforeagaingroaninginhimselfcomethtothegrave.itwasacave,andastonelayuponit.

“jesussaid,takeyeawaythestone.martha,thesisterofhimthatwasdead,saithuntohim,lordbythistimehestinketh:forhehathbeendeadfourdays.”

shelaidemphasisonthewordfour.

“jesussaithuntoher,saidinotuntotheethatifthouwouldestbelieve,thoushouldestseethegloryofgod?

“thentheytookawaythestonefromtheplacewherethedeadwaslaid.andjesuslifteduphiseyesandsaid,father,ithanktheethatthouhastheardme.

“andiknewthatthouhearestmealways;butbecauseofthepeoplewhichstandbyisaidit,thattheymaybelievethatthouhastsentme.

“andwhenhethushadspoken,hecriedwithaloudvoice,lazarus,comeforth.

“andhethatwasdeadcameforth.”

(shereadloudly,coldandtremblingwithecstasy,asthoughshewereseeingitbeforehereyes.)

“boundhandandfootwithgraveclothes;andhisfacewasboundaboutwithanapkin.jesussaithuntothem,loosehimandlethimgo.

“thenmanyofthejewswhichcametomaryandhadseenthethingswhichjesusdidbelievedonhim.”

shecouldreadnomore,closedthebookandgotupfromherchairquickly.

“thatisallabouttheraisingoflazarus,”shewhisperedseverelyandabruptly,andturningawayshestoodmotionless,notdaringtoraisehereyestohim.shestilltrembledfeverishly.thecandle-endwasflickeringoutinthebatteredcandlestick,dimlylightingupinthepoverty-strickenroomthemurdererandtheharlotwhohadsostrangelybeenreadingtogethertheeternalbook.fiveminutesormorepassed.