第124章
第124章“butcanthatbetrue?”hecriedtohimself.“canthatcreaturewhohasstillpreservedthepurityofherspiritbeconsciouslydrawnatlastintothatsinkoffilthandiniquity?cantheprocessalreadyhavebegun?canitbethatshehasonlybeenabletobearittillnow,becausevicehasbeguntobelessloathsometoher?no,no,thatcannotbe!”hecried,assoniahadjustbefore.“no,whathaskeptherfromthecanaltillnowistheideaofsinandthey,thechildren.…andifshehasnotgoneoutofhermind…butwhosaysshehasnotgoneoutofhermind?issheinhersenses?canonetalk,canonereasonasshedoes?howcanshesitontheedgeoftheabyssofloathsomenessintowhichsheisslippingandrefusetolistenwhensheistoldofdanger?doessheexpectamiracle?nodoubtshedoes.doesn’tthatallmeanmadness?”
hestayedobstinatelyatthatthought.helikedthatexplanationindeedbetterthananyother.hebeganlookingmoreintentlyather.
“soyoupraytogodagreatdeal,sonia?”heaskedher.
soniadidnotspeak;hestoodbesideherwaitingforananswer.
“whatshouldibewithoutgod?”shewhisperedrapidly,forcibly,glancingathimwithsuddenlyflashingeyes,andsqueezinghishand.
“ah,sothatisit!”hethought.
“andwhatdoesgoddoforyou?”heasked,probingherfurther.
soniawassilentalongwhile,asthoughshecouldnotanswer.herweakchestkeptheavingwithemotion.
“besilent!don’task!youdon’tdeserve!”shecriedsuddenly,lookingsternlyandwrathfullyathim.
“that’sit,that’sit,”herepeatedtohimself.
“hedoeseverything,”shewhisperedquickly,lookingdownagain.
“that’sthewayout!that’stheexplanation,”hedecided,scrutinisingherwitheagercuriosity,withanew,strange,almostmorbidfeeling.hegazedatthatpale,thin,irregular,angularlittleface,thosesoftblueeyes,whichcouldflashwithsuchfire,suchsternenergy,thatlittlebodystillshakingwithindignationandanger—anditallseemedtohimmoreandmorestrange,almostimpossible.“sheisareligiousmaniac!”herepeatedtohimself.
therewasabooklyingonthechestofdrawers.hehadnoticediteverytimehepacedupanddowntheroom.nowhetookitupandlookedatit.itwasthenewtestamentintherussiantranslation.itwasboundinleather,oldandworn.
“wheredidyougetthat?”hecalledtoheracrosstheroom.
shewasstillstandinginthesameplace,threestepsfromthetable.
“itwasbroughtme,”sheanswered,asitwereunwillingly,notlookingathim.
“whobroughtit?”
“lizaveta,iaskedherforit.”
“lizaveta!strange!”hethought.
everythingaboutsoniaseemedtohimstrangerandmorewonderfuleverymoment.hecarriedthebooktothecandleandbegantoturnoverthepages.
“whereisthestoryoflazarus?”heaskedsuddenly.
sonialookedobstinatelyatthegroundandwouldnotanswer.shewasstandingsidewaystothetable.
“whereistheraisingoflazarus?finditforme,sonia.”
shestoleaglanceathim.
“youarenotlookingintherightplace.…it’sinthefourthgospel,”shewhisperedsternly,withoutlookingathim.
“finditandreadittome,”hesaid.hesatdownwithhiselbowonthetable,leanedhisheadonhishandandlookedawaysullenly,preparedtolisten.
“inthreeweeks’timethey’llwelcomemeinthemadhouse!ishallbethereifiamnotinaworseplace,”hemutteredtohimself.
soniaheardraskolnikov’srequestdistrustfullyandmovedhesitatinglytothetable.shetookthebookhowever.
“haven’tyoureadit?”sheasked,lookingupathimacrossthetable.
hervoicebecamesternerandsterner.
“longago.…wheniwasatschool.read!”
“andhaven’tyouhearditinchurch?”
“i…haven’tbeen.doyouoftengo?”
“n-no,”whisperedsonia.
raskolnikovsmiled.
“iunderstand.…andyouwon’tgotoyourfather’sfuneralto-morrow?”
“yes,ishall.iwasatchurchlastweek,too…ihadarequiemservice.”
“forwhom?”
“forlizaveta.shewaskilledwithanaxe.”
hisnervesweremoreandmorestrained.hisheadbegantogoround.
“wereyoufriendswithlizaveta?”
“yes.…shewasgood…sheusedtocome…notoften…shecouldn’t.…weusedtoreadtogetherand…talk.shewillseegod.”
thelastphrasesoundedstrangeinhisears.andherewassomethingnewagain:themysteriousmeetingswithlizavetaandbothofthem—religiousmaniacs.
“ishallbeareligiousmaniacmyselfsoon!it’sinfectious!”
“read!”hecriedirritablyandinsistently.
soniastillhesitated.herheartwasthrobbing.shehardlydaredtoreadtohim.helookedalmostwithexasperationatthe“unhappylunatic.”
“whatfor?youdon’tbelieve?…”shewhisperedsoftlyandasitwerebreathlessly.
“read!iwantyouto,”hepersisted.“youusedtoreadtolizaveta.”
soniaopenedthebookandfoundtheplace.herhandswereshaking,hervoicefailedher.twiceshetriedtobeginandcouldnotbringoutthefirstsyllable.
“nowacertainmanwassicknamedlazarusofbethany…”sheforcedherselfatlasttoread,butatthethirdwordhervoicebrokelikeanoverstrainedstring.therewasacatchinherbreath.