第123章
第123章“cannotbe?”raskolnikovwentonwithaharshsmile.“youarenotinsuredagainstit,areyou?whatwillhappentothemthen?theywillbeinthestreet,allofthem,shewillcoughandbegandknockherheadagainstsomewall,asshedidto-day,andthechildrenwillcry.…thenshewillfalldown,betakentothepolicestationandtothehospital,shewilldie,andthechildren…”
“oh,no.…godwillnotletitbe!”brokeatlastfromsonia’soverburdenedbosom.
shelistened,lookingimploringlyathim,claspingherhandsindumbentreaty,asthoughitalldependeduponhim.
raskolnikovgotupandbegantowalkabouttheroom.aminutepassed.soniawasstandingwithherhandsandherheadhanginginterribledejection.
“andcan’tyousave?putbyforarainyday?”heasked,stoppingsuddenlybeforeher.
“no,”whisperedsonia.
“ofcoursenot.haveyoutried?”headdedalmostironically.
“yes.”
“anditdidn’tcomeoff!ofcoursenot!noneedtoask.”
andagainhepacedtheroom.anotherminutepassed.
“youdon’tgetmoneyeveryday?”
soniawasmoreconfusedthaneverandcolourrushedintoherfaceagain.
“no,”shewhisperedwithapainfuleffort.
“itwillbethesamewithpolenka,nodoubt,”hesaidsuddenly.
“no,no!itcan’tbe,no!”soniacriedaloudindesperation,asthoughshehadbeenstabbed.“godwouldnotallowanythingsoawful!”
“heletsotherscometoit.”
“no,no!godwillprotecther,god!”sherepeatedbesideherself.
“but,perhaps,thereisnogodatall,”raskolnikovansweredwithasortofmalignance,laughedandlookedather.
sonia’sfacesuddenlychanged;atremorpassedoverit.shelookedathimwithunutterablereproach,triedtosaysomething,butcouldnotspeakandbrokeintobitter,bittersobs,hidingherfaceinherhands.
“yousaykaterinaivanovna’smindisunhinged;yourownmindisunhinged,”hesaidafterabriefsilence.
fiveminutespassed.hestillpacedupanddowntheroominsilence,notlookingather.atlasthewentuptoher;hiseyesglittered.heputhistwohandsonhershouldersandlookedstraightintohertearfulface.hiseyeswerehard,feverishandpiercing,hislipsweretwitching.allatoncehebentdownquicklyanddroppingtotheground,kissedherfoot.soniadrewbackfromhimasfromamadman.andcertainlyhelookedlikeamadman.
“whatareyoudoingtome?”shemuttered,turningpale,andasuddenanguishclutchedatherheart.
hestoodupatonce.
“ididnotbowdowntoyou,iboweddowntoallthesufferingofhumanity,”hesaidwildlyandwalkedawaytothewindow.“listen,”headded,turningtoheraminutelater.“isaidjustnowtoaninsolentmanthathewasnotworthyourlittlefinger…andthatididmysisterhonourmakinghersitbesideyou.”
“ach,yousaidthattothem!andinherpresence?”criedsonia,frightened.“sitdownwithme!anhonour!why,i’m…dishonourable.…ah,whydidyousaythat?”
“itwasnotbecauseofyourdishonourandyoursinisaidthatofyou,butbecauseofyourgreatsuffering.butyouareagreatsinner,that’strue,”headdedalmostsolemnly,“andyourworstsinisthatyouhavedestroyedandbetrayedyourselffornothing.isn’tthatfearful?isn’titfearfulthatyouarelivinginthisfilthwhichyouloatheso,andatthesametimeyouknowyourself(you’veonlytoopenyoureyes)thatyouarenothelpinganyonebyit,notsavinganyonefromanything?tellme,”hewentonalmostinafrenzy,“howthisshameanddegradationcanexistinyousidebysidewithother,opposite,holyfeelings?itwouldbebetter,athousandtimesbetterandwisertoleapintothewaterandenditall!”
“butwhatwouldbecomeofthem?”soniaaskedfaintly,gazingathimwitheyesofanguish,butnotseemingsurprisedathisestion.
raskolnikovlookedstrangelyather.hereaditallinherface;soshemusthavehadthatthoughtalready,perhapsmanytimes,andearnestlyshehadthoughtoutinherdespairhowtoenditandsoearnestly,thatnowshescarcelywonderedathisestion.shehadnotevennoticedthecrueltyofhiswords.(thesignificanceofhisreproachesandhispeculiarattitudetohershameshehad,ofcourse,notnoticedeither,andthat,too,wascleartohim.)buthesawhowmonstrouslythethoughtofherdisgraceful,shamefulpositionwastorturingherandhadlongtorturedher.“what,what,”hethought,“couldhithertohavehinderedherfromputtinganendtoit?”onlythenherealisedwhatthosepoorlittleorphanchildrenandthatpitifulhalf-crazykaterinaivanovna,knockingherheadagainstthewallinherconsumption,meantforsonia.
but,nevertheless,itwascleartohimagainthatwithhercharacterandtheamountofeducationshehadafterallreceived,shecouldnotinanycaseremainso.hewasstillconfrontedbythequestion,howcouldshehaveremainedsolonginthatpositionwithoutgoingoutofhermind,sinceshecouldnotbringherselftojumpintothewater?ofcourseheknewthatsonia’spositionwasanexceptionalcase,thoughunhappilynotuniqueandnotinfrequent,indeed;butthatveryexceptionalness,hertingeofeducation,herpreviouslifemight,onewouldhavethought,havekilledheratthefirststeponthatrevoltingpath.whatheldherup—surelynotdepravity?allthatinfamyhadobviouslyonlytouchedhermechanically,notonedropofrealdepravityhadpenetratedtoherheart;hesawthat.hesawthroughherasshestoodbeforehim.…
“therearethreewaysbeforeher,”hethought,“thecanal,themadhouse,or…atlasttosinkintodepravitywhichobscuresthemindandturnsthehearttostone.”
thelastideawasthemostrevolting,buthewasasceptic,hewasyoung,abstract,andthereforecruel,andsohecouldnothelpbelievingthatthelastendwasthemostlikely.