第123章 - 罪与罚 - 佚名 - 都市言情小说 - 30读书
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第123章

第123章“cannotbe?”raskolnikovwentonwithaharshsmile.“youarenotinsuredagainstit,areyou?whatwillhappentothemthen?theywillbeinthestreet,allofthem,shewillcoughandbegandknockherheadagainstsomewall,asshedidto-day,andthechildrenwillcry.…thenshewillfalldown,betakentothepolicestationandtothehospital,shewilldie,andthechildren…”

“oh,no.…godwillnotletitbe!”brokeatlastfromsonia’soverburdenedbosom.

shelistened,lookingimploringlyathim,claspingherhandsindumbentreaty,asthoughitalldependeduponhim.

raskolnikovgotupandbegantowalkabouttheroom.aminutepassed.soniawasstandingwithherhandsandherheadhanginginterribledejection.

“andcan’tyousave?putbyforarainyday?”heasked,stoppingsuddenlybeforeher.

“no,”whisperedsonia.

“ofcoursenot.haveyoutried?”headdedalmostironically.

“yes.”

“anditdidn’tcomeoff!ofcoursenot!noneedtoask.”

andagainhepacedtheroom.anotherminutepassed.

“youdon’tgetmoneyeveryday?”

soniawasmoreconfusedthaneverandcolourrushedintoherfaceagain.

“no,”shewhisperedwithapainfuleffort.

“itwillbethesamewithpolenka,nodoubt,”hesaidsuddenly.

“no,no!itcan’tbe,no!”soniacriedaloudindesperation,asthoughshehadbeenstabbed.“godwouldnotallowanythingsoawful!”

“heletsotherscometoit.”

“no,no!godwillprotecther,god!”sherepeatedbesideherself.

“but,perhaps,thereisnogodatall,”raskolnikovansweredwithasortofmalignance,laughedandlookedather.

sonia’sfacesuddenlychanged;atremorpassedoverit.shelookedathimwithunutterablereproach,triedtosaysomething,butcouldnotspeakandbrokeintobitter,bittersobs,hidingherfaceinherhands.

“yousaykaterinaivanovna’smindisunhinged;yourownmindisunhinged,”hesaidafterabriefsilence.

fiveminutespassed.hestillpacedupanddowntheroominsilence,notlookingather.atlasthewentuptoher;hiseyesglittered.heputhistwohandsonhershouldersandlookedstraightintohertearfulface.hiseyeswerehard,feverishandpiercing,hislipsweretwitching.allatoncehebentdownquicklyanddroppingtotheground,kissedherfoot.soniadrewbackfromhimasfromamadman.andcertainlyhelookedlikeamadman.

“whatareyoudoingtome?”shemuttered,turningpale,andasuddenanguishclutchedatherheart.

hestoodupatonce.

“ididnotbowdowntoyou,iboweddowntoallthesufferingofhumanity,”hesaidwildlyandwalkedawaytothewindow.“listen,”headded,turningtoheraminutelater.“isaidjustnowtoaninsolentmanthathewasnotworthyourlittlefinger…andthatididmysisterhonourmakinghersitbesideyou.”

“ach,yousaidthattothem!andinherpresence?”criedsonia,frightened.“sitdownwithme!anhonour!why,i’m…dishonourable.…ah,whydidyousaythat?”

“itwasnotbecauseofyourdishonourandyoursinisaidthatofyou,butbecauseofyourgreatsuffering.butyouareagreatsinner,that’strue,”headdedalmostsolemnly,“andyourworstsinisthatyouhavedestroyedandbetrayedyourselffornothing.isn’tthatfearful?isn’titfearfulthatyouarelivinginthisfilthwhichyouloatheso,andatthesametimeyouknowyourself(you’veonlytoopenyoureyes)thatyouarenothelpinganyonebyit,notsavinganyonefromanything?tellme,”hewentonalmostinafrenzy,“howthisshameanddegradationcanexistinyousidebysidewithother,opposite,holyfeelings?itwouldbebetter,athousandtimesbetterandwisertoleapintothewaterandenditall!”

“butwhatwouldbecomeofthem?”soniaaskedfaintly,gazingathimwitheyesofanguish,butnotseemingsurprisedathisestion.

raskolnikovlookedstrangelyather.hereaditallinherface;soshemusthavehadthatthoughtalready,perhapsmanytimes,andearnestlyshehadthoughtoutinherdespairhowtoenditandsoearnestly,thatnowshescarcelywonderedathisestion.shehadnotevennoticedthecrueltyofhiswords.(thesignificanceofhisreproachesandhispeculiarattitudetohershameshehad,ofcourse,notnoticedeither,andthat,too,wascleartohim.)buthesawhowmonstrouslythethoughtofherdisgraceful,shamefulpositionwastorturingherandhadlongtorturedher.“what,what,”hethought,“couldhithertohavehinderedherfromputtinganendtoit?”onlythenherealisedwhatthosepoorlittleorphanchildrenandthatpitifulhalf-crazykaterinaivanovna,knockingherheadagainstthewallinherconsumption,meantforsonia.

but,nevertheless,itwascleartohimagainthatwithhercharacterandtheamountofeducationshehadafterallreceived,shecouldnotinanycaseremainso.hewasstillconfrontedbythequestion,howcouldshehaveremainedsolonginthatpositionwithoutgoingoutofhermind,sinceshecouldnotbringherselftojumpintothewater?ofcourseheknewthatsonia’spositionwasanexceptionalcase,thoughunhappilynotuniqueandnotinfrequent,indeed;butthatveryexceptionalness,hertingeofeducation,herpreviouslifemight,onewouldhavethought,havekilledheratthefirststeponthatrevoltingpath.whatheldherup—surelynotdepravity?allthatinfamyhadobviouslyonlytouchedhermechanically,notonedropofrealdepravityhadpenetratedtoherheart;hesawthat.hesawthroughherasshestoodbeforehim.…

“therearethreewaysbeforeher,”hethought,“thecanal,themadhouse,or…atlasttosinkintodepravitywhichobscuresthemindandturnsthehearttostone.”

thelastideawasthemostrevolting,buthewasasceptic,hewasyoung,abstract,andthereforecruel,andsohecouldnothelpbelievingthatthelastendwasthemostlikely.

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