第122章

第122章soniasaidthisasthoughindespair,wringingherhandsinexcitementanddistress.herpalecheeksflushed,therewasalookofanguishinhereyes.itwasclearthatshewasstirredtotheverydepths,thatshewaslongingtospeak,tochampion,toexpresssomething.asortofinsatiablecompassion,ifonemaysoexpressit,wasreflectedineveryfeatureofherface.

“beatme!howcanyou?goodheavens,beatme!andifshedidbeatme,whatthen?whatofit?youknownothing,nothingaboutit.…sheissounhappy…ah,howunhappy!andill.…sheisseekingrighteousness,sheispure.shehassuchfaiththattheremustberighteousnesseverywhereandsheexpectsit.…andifyouweretotortureher,shewouldn’tdowrong.shedoesn’tseethatit’simpossibleforpeopletoberighteousandsheisangryatit.likeachild,likeachild.sheisgood!”

“andwhatwillhappentoyou?”

sonialookedathiminquiringly.

“theyareleftonyourhands,yousee.theywereallonyourhandsbefore,though.…andyourfathercametoyoutobegfordrink.well,howwillitbenow?”

“idon’tknow,”soniaarticulatedmournfully.

“willtheystaythere?”

“idon’tknow.…theyareindebtforthelodging,butthelandlady,ihear,saidto-daythatshewantedtogetridofthem,andkaterinaivanovnasaysthatshewon’tstayanotherminute.”

“howisitsheissobold?shereliesuponyou?”

“oh,no,don’ttalklikethat.…weareone,welivelikeone.”soniawasagitatedagainandevenangry,asthoughacanaryorsomeotherlittlebirdweretobeangry.“andwhatcouldshedo?what,whatcouldshedo?”shepersisted,gettinghotandexcited.“andhowshecriedto-day!hermindisunhinged,haven’tyounoticedit?atoneminutesheisworryinglikeachildthateverythingshouldberightto-morrow,thelunchandallthat.…thensheiswringingherhands,spittingblood,weeping,andallatonceshewillbeginknockingherheadagainstthewall,indespair.thenshewillbecomfortedagain.shebuildsallherhopesonyou;shesaysthatyouwillhelphernowandthatshewillborrowalittlemoneysomewhereandgotohernativetownwithmeandsetupaboardingschoolforthedaughtersofgentlemenandtakemetosuperintendit,andwewillbeginanewsplendidlife.andshekissesandhugsme,comfortsme,andyouknowshehassuchfaith,suchfaithinherfancies!onecan’tcontradicther.andallthedaylongshehasbeenwashing,cleaning,mending.sheedthewashtubintotheroomwithherfeeblehandsandsankonthebed,gaspingforbreath.wewentthismorningtotheshopstobuyshoesforpolenkaandlidafortheirsarequitewornout.onlythemoneywe’dreckonedwasn’tenough,notnearlyenough.andshepickedoutsuchdearlittleboots,forshehastaste,youdon’tknow.andthereintheshopsheburstoutcryingbeforetheshopmenbecauseshehadn’tenough.…ah,itwassadtoseeher.…”

“well,afterthaticanunderstandyourlivinglikethis,”raskolnikovsaidwithabittersmile.

“andaren’tyousorryforthem?aren’tyousorry?”soniaflewathimagain.“why,iknow,yougaveyourlastpennyyourself,thoughyou’dseennothingofit,andifyou’dseeneverything,ohdear!andhowoften,howofteni’vebroughthertotears!onlylastweek!yes,i!onlyaweekbeforehisdeath.iwascruel!andhowofteni’vedoneit!ah,i’vebeenwretchedatthethoughtofitallday!”

soniawrungherhandsasshespokeatthepainofrememberingit.

“youwerecruel?”

“yes,i—i.iwenttoseethem,”shewenton,weeping,“andfathersaid,‘readmesomething,sonia,myheadaches,readtome,here’sabook.’hehadabookhehadgotfromandreysemyonovitchlebeziatnikov,helivesthere,healwaysusedtogetholdofsuchfunnybooks.andisaid,‘ican’tstay,’asididn’twanttoread,andi’dgoneinchieflytoshowkaterinaivanovnasomecollars.lizaveta,thepedlar,soldmesomecollarsandcuffscheap,pretty,new,embroideredones.katerinaivanovnalikedthemverymuch;sheputthemonandlookedatherselfintheglassandwasdelightedwiththem.‘makemeapresentofthem,sonia,’shesaid,‘pleasedo.’‘pleasedo,’shesaid,shewantedthemsomuch.andwhencouldshewearthem?theyjustremindedherofheroldhappydays.shelookedatherselfintheglass,admiredherself,andshehasnoclothesatall,nothingsofherown,hasn’thadalltheseyears!andsheneverasksanyoneforanything;sheisproud,she’dsoonergiveawayeverything.andthesesheaskedfor,shelikedthemsomuch.andiwassorrytogivethem.‘whatusearetheytoyou,katerinaivanovna?’isaid.ispokelikethattoher,ioughtnottohavesaidthat!shegavemesuchalook.andshewassogrieved,sogrievedatmyrefusingher.anditwassosadtosee.…andshewasnotgrievedforthecollars,butformyrefusing,isawthat.ah,ifonlyicouldbringitallback,changeit,takebackthosewords!ah,ifi…butit’snothingtoyou!”

“didyouknowlizaveta,thepedlar?”

“yes.…didyouknowher?”soniaaskedwithsomesurprise.

“katerinaivanovnaisinconsumption,rapidconsumption;shewillsoondie,”saidraskolnikovafterapause,withoutansweringherquestion.

“oh,no,no,no!”

andsoniaunconsciouslyclutchedbothhishands,asthoughimploringthatsheshouldnot.

“butitwillbebetterifshedoesdie.”

“no,notbetter,notatallbetter!”soniaunconsciouslyrepeatedindismay.

“andthechildren?whatcanyoudoexcepttakethemtolivewithyou?”

“oh,idon’tknow,”criedsonia,almostindespair,andsheputherhandstoherhead.

itwasevidentthatthatideahadveryoftenoccurredtoherbeforeandhehadonlyrouseditagain.

“and,what,ifevennow,whilekaterinaivanovnaisalive,yougetillandaretakentothehospital,whatwillhappenthen?”hepersistedpitilessly.

“howcanyou?thatcannotbe!”

andsonia’sfaceworkedwithawfulterror.