第43章

第43章“yes,yes.iperfectlyagreewithyou.butallowmetoexplain…”raskolnikovputinagain,stilladdressingnikodimfomitch,buttryinghisbesttoaddressilyapetrovitchalso,thoughthelatterpersistentlyappearedtoberummagingamonghispapersandtobecontemptuouslyobliviousofhim.“allowmetoexplainthatihavebeenlivingwithherfornearlythreeyearsandatfirst…atfirst…forwhyshouldinotconfessit,attheverybeginningipromisedtomarryherdaughter,itwasaverbalpromise,freelygiven…shewasagirl…indeed,ilikedher,thoughiwasnotinlovewithher…ayouthfulaffairinfact…thatis,imeantosay,thatmylandladygavemecreditfreelyinthosedays,andiledalifeof…iwasveryheedless…”

“nobodyasksyouforthesepersonaldetails,sir,we’venotimetowaste,”ilyapetrovitchinterposedroughlyandwithanoteoftriumph;butraskolnikovstoppedhimhotly,thoughhesuddenlyfounditexceedinglydifficulttospeak.

“butexcuseme,excuseme.itisformetoexplain…howitallhappened…inmyturn…thoughiagreewithyou…itisunnecessary.butayearago,thegirldiedoftyphus.iremainedlodgingthereasbefore,andwhenmylandladymovedintoherpresentquarters,shesaidtome…andinafriendlyway…thatshehadcompletetrustinme,butstill,wouldinotgiveheraniouforonehundredandfifteenroubles,allthedebtiowedher.shesaidifonlyigaveherthat,shewouldtrustmeagain,asmuchasiliked,andthatshewouldnever,never—thosewereherownwords—makeuseofthatioutillicouldpayofmyself…andnow,whenihavelostmylessonsandhavenothingtoeat,shetakesactionagainstme.whatamitosaytothat?”

“alltheseaffectingdetailsarenobusinessofours.”ilyapetrovitchinterruptedrudely.“youmustgiveawrittenundertakingbutasforyourloveaffairsandallthesetragicevents,wehavenothingtodowiththat.”

“comenow…youareharsh,”mutterednikodimfomitch,sittingdownatthetableandalsobeginningtowrite.helookedalittleashamed.

“write!”saidtheheadclerktoraskolnikov.

“writewhat?”thelatterasked,gruffly.

“iwilldictatetoyou.”

raskolnikovfanciedthattheheadclerktreatedhimmorecasuallyandcontemptuouslyafterhisspeech,butstrangetosayhesuddenlyfeltcompletelyindifferenttoanyone’sopinion,andthisrevulsiontookplaceinaflash,inoneinstant.ifhehadcaredtothinkalittle,hewouldhavebeenamazedindeedthathecouldhavetalkedtothemlikethataminutebefore,forcinghisfeelingsuponthem.andwherehadthosefeelingscomefrom?nowifthewholeroomhadbeenfilled,notwithpoliceofficers,butwiththosenearestanddearesttohim,hewouldnothavefoundonehumanwordforthem,soemptywashisheart.agloomysensationofagonising,everlastingsolitudeandremoteness,tookconsciousforminhissoul.itwasnotthemeannessofhissentimentaleffusionsbeforeilyapetrovitch,northemeannessofthelatter’striumphoverhimthathadcausedthissuddenrevulsioninhisheart.oh,whathadhetodonowwithhisownbaseness,withallthesepettyvanities,officers,germanwomen,debts,police-offices?ifhehadbeensentencedtobeburntatthatmoment,hewouldnothavestirred,wouldhardlyhaveheardthesentencetotheend.somethingwashappeningtohimentirelynew,suddenandunknown.itwasnotthatheunderstood,buthefeltclearlywithalltheintensityofsensationthathecouldnevermoreappealtothesepeopleinthepolice-officewithsentimentaleffusionslikehisrecentoutburst,orwithanythingwhatever;andthatiftheyhadbeenhisownbrothersandsistersandnotpolice-officers,itwouldhavebeenutterlyoutofthequestiontoappealtotheminanycircumstanceoflife.hehadneverexperiencedsuchastrangeandawfulsensation.andwhatwasmostagonising—itwasmoreasensationthanaconceptionoridea,adirectsensation,themostagonisingofallthesensationshehadknowninhislife.

theheadclerkbegandictatingtohimtheusualformofdeclaration,thathecouldnotpay,thatheundertooktodosoatafuturedate,thathewouldnotleavethetown,norsellhisproperty,andsoon.

“butyoucan’twrite,youcanhardlyholdthepen,”observedtheheadclerk,lookingwithcuriosityatraskolnikov.“areyouill?”