第32章

第32章hestoodhesitatinginthegateway.togointothestreet,togoawalkforappearance’sakewasrevolting;togobacktohisroom,evenmorerevolting.“andwhatachanceihavelostforever!”hemuttered,standingaimlesslyinthegateway,justoppositetheporter’slittledarkroom,whichwasalsoopen.suddenlyhestarted.fromtheporter’sroom,twopacesawayfromhim,somethingshiningunderthebenchtotherightcaughthiseye.…helookedabouthim—nobody.heapproachedtheroomontiptoe,wentdowntwostepsintoitandinafaintvoicecalledtheporter.“yes,notathome!somewherenearthough,intheyard,forthedooriswideopen.”hedashedtotheaxe(itwasanaxe)andpulleditoutfromunderthebench,whereitlaybetweentwochunksofwood;atonce,beforegoingout,hemadeitfastinthenoose,hethrustbothhandsintohispocketsandwentoutoftheroom;noonehadnoticedhim!“whenreasonfails,thedevilhelps!”hethoughtwithastrangegrin.thischanceraisedhisspiritsextraordinarily.

hewalkedalongquietlyandsedately,withouthurry,toavoidawakeningsuspicion.hescarcelylookedatthepassers-by,triedtoescapelookingattheirfacesatall,andtobeaslittlenoticeableaspossible.suddenlyhethoughtofhishat.“goodheavens!ihadthemoneythedaybeforeyesterdayanddidnotgetacaptowearinstead!”acurserosefromthebottomofhissoul.

glancingoutofthecornerofhiseyeintoashop,hesawbyaclockonthewallthatitwastenminutespastseven.hehadtomakehasteandatthesametimetogosomewayround,soastoapproachthehousefromtheotherside.…

whenhehadhappenedtoimagineallthisbeforehand,hehadsometimesthoughtthathewouldbeverymuchafraid.buthewasnotverymuchafraidnow,wasnotafraidatall,indeed.hismindwasevenoccupiedbyirrelevantmatters,butbynothingforlong.ashepassedtheyusupovgarden,hewasdeeplyabsorbedinconsideringthebuildingofgreatfountains,andoftheirrefreshingeffectontheatmosphereinallthesquares.bydegreeshepassedtotheconvictionthatifthesummergardenwereextendedtothefieldofmars,andperhapsjoinedtothegardenofthemihailovskypalace,itwouldbeasplendidthingandagreatbenefittothetown.thenhewasinterestedbythequestionwhyinallgreattownsmenarenotsimplydrivenbynecessity,butinsomepeculiarwayinclinedtoliveinthosepartsofthetownwheretherearenogardensnorfountains;wherethereismostdirtandsmellandallsortsofnastiness.thenhisownwalksthroughthehaymarketcamebacktohismind,andforamomenthewakeduptoreality.“whatnonsense!”hethought,“betterthinkofnothingatall!”

“soprobablymenledtoexecutionclutchmentallyateveryobjectthatmeetsthemontheway,”flashedthroughhismind,butsimplyflashed,likelightning;hemadehastetodismissthisthought.…andbynowhewasnear;herewasthehouse,herewasthegate.suddenlyaclocksomewherestruckonce.“what!canitbehalf-pastseven?impossible,itmustbefast!”

luckilyforhim,everythingwentwellagainatthegates.atthatverymoment,asthoughexpresslyforhisbenefit,ahugeonofhayhadjustdriveninatthegate,completelyscreeninghimashepassedunderthegateway,andtheonhadscarcelyhadtimetodrivethroughintotheyard,beforehehadslippedinaflashtotheright.ontheothersideoftheonhecouldhearshoutingandquarrelling;butnoonenoticedhimandnoonemethim.manywindowslookingintothathugequadrangularyardwereopenatthatmoment,buthedidnotraisehishead—hehadnotthestrengthto.thestaircaseleadingtotheoldwoman’sroomwascloseby,justontherightofthegateway.hewasalreadyonthestairs.…

drawingabreath,pressinghishandagainsthisthrobbingheart,andoncemorefeelingfortheaxeandsettingitstraight,hebegansoftlyandcautiouslyascendingthestairs,listeningeveryminute.butthestairs,too,werequitedeserted;allthedoorswereshut;hemetnoone.oneflatindeedonthefirstfloorwaswideopenandpainterswereatworkinit,buttheydidnotglanceathim.hestoodstill,thoughtaminuteandwenton.“ofcourseitwouldbebetteriftheyhadnotbeenhere,but…it’stwostoreysabovethem.”

andtherewasthefourthstorey,herewasthedoor,herewastheflatopposite,theemptyone.theflatunderneaththeoldwoman’swasapparentlyemptyalso;thevisitingcardnailedonthedoorhadbeentornoff—theyhadgoneaway!…hewasoutofbreath.foroneinstantthethoughtfloatedthroughhismind“shalligoback?”buthemadenoanswerandbeganlisteningattheoldwoman’sdoor,adeadsilence.thenhelistenedagainonthestaircase,listenedlongandintently…thenlookedabouthimforthelasttime,pulledhimselftogether,drewhimselfup,andoncemoretriedtheaxeinthenoose.“amiverypale?”hewondered.“aminotevidentlyagitated?sheismistrustful.…hadibetterwaitalittlelonger…tillmyheartleavesoffthumping?”

buthisheartdidnotleaveoff.onthecontrary,asthoughtospitehim,itthrobbedmoreandmoreviolently.hecouldstanditnolonger,heslowlyputouthishandtothebellandrang.halfaminutelaterherangagain,moreloudly.

noanswer.togoonringingwasuselessandoutofplace.theoldwomanwas,ofcourse,athome,butshewassuspiciousandalone.hehadsomeknowledgeofherhabits…andoncemoreheputhiseartothedoor.eitherhissenseswerepeculiarlykeen(whichitisdifficulttosuppose),orthesoundwasreallyverydistinct.anyway,hesuddenlyheardsomethinglikethecautioustouchofahandonthelockandtherustleofaskirtattheverydoor.someonewasstandingstealthilyclosetothelockandjustashewasdoingontheoutsidewassecretlylisteningwithin,andseemedtohavehereartothedoor.…hemovedalittleonpurposeandmutteredsomethingaloudthathemightnothavetheappearanceofhiding,thenrangathirdtime,butquietly,soberly,andwithoutimpatience,recallingitafterwards,thatmomentstoodoutinhismindvividly,distinctly,forever;hecouldnotmakeouthowhehadhadsuchcunning,forhismindwasasitwerecloudedatmomentsandhewasalmostunconsciousofhisbody.…aninstantlaterheheardthelatchunfastened.