第31章

第31章and,indeed,ifithadeverhappenedthateverythingtotheleastpointcouldhavebeenconsideredandfinallysettled,andnouncertaintyofanykindhadremained,hewould,itseems,haverenounceditallassomethingabsurd,monstrousandimpossible.butawholemassofunsettledpointsanduncertaintiesremained.asforgettingtheaxe,thattriflingbusinesscosthimnoanxiety,fornothingcouldbeeasier.nastasyawascontinuallyoutofthehouse,especiallyintheevenings;shewouldrunintotheneighboursortoashop,andalwaysleftthedoorajar.itwastheonethingthelandladywasalwaysscoldingherabout.andso,whenthetimecame,hewouldonlyhavetogoquietlyintothekitchenandtotaketheaxe,andanhourlater(wheneverythingwasover)goinandputitbackagain.buttheseweredoubtfulpoints.supposinghereturnedanhourlatertoputitback,andnastasyahadcomebackandwasonthespot.hewouldofcoursehavetogobyandwaittillshewentoutagain.butsupposingshewereinthemeantimetomisstheaxe,lookforit,makeanoutcry—thatwouldmeansuspicionoratleastgroundsforsuspicion.

butthosewerealltrifleswhichhehadnotevenbeguntoconsider,andindeedhehadnotime.hewasthinkingofthechiefpoint,andputofftriflingdetails,untilhecouldbelieveinitall.butthatseemedutterlyunattainable.soitseemedtohimselfatleast.hecouldnotimagine,forinstance,thathewouldsometimeleaveoffthinking,getupandsimplygothere.…evenhislateexperiment(i.e.hisvisitwiththeobjectofafinalsurveyoftheplace)wassimplyanattemptatanexperiment,farfrombeingtherealthing,asthoughoneshouldsay“come,letusgoandtryit—whydreamaboutit!”—andatoncehehadbrokendownandhadrunawaycursing,inafrenzywithhimself.meanwhileitwouldseem,asregardsthemoralquestion,thathisanalysiswascomplete;hiscasuistryhadbecomekeenasarazor,andhecouldnotfindrationalobjectionsinhimself.butinthelastresorthesimplyceasedtobelieveinhimself,andedly,slavishlysoughtargumentsinalldirections,fumblingforthem,asthoughsomeonewereforcinganddrawinghimtoit.

atfirst—longbeforeindeed—hehadbeenmuchoccupiedwithonequestion;whyalmostallcrimesaresobadlyconcealedandsoeasilydetected,andwhyalmostallcriminalsleavesuchobvioustraces?hehadcomegraduallytomanydifferentandcuriousconclusions,andinhisopinionthechiefreasonlaynotsomuchinthematerialimpossibilityofconcealingthecrime,asinthecriminalhimself.almosteverycriminalissubjecttoafailureofwillandreasoningpowerbyachildishandphenomenalheedlessness,attheveryinstantwhenprudenceandcautionaremostessential.itwashisconvictionthatthiseclipseofreasonandfailureofwillpowerattackedamanlikeadisease,developedgraduallyandreacheditshighestpointjustbeforetheperpetrationofthecrime,continuedwithequalviolenceatthemomentofthecrimeandforlongerorshortertimeafter,accordingtotheindividualcase,andthenpassedofflikeanyotherdisease.thequestionwhetherthediseasegivesrisetothecrime,orwhetherthecrimefromitsownpeculiarnatureisalwaysaccompaniedbysomethingofthenatureofdisease,hedidnotyetfeelabletodecide.

whenhereachedtheseconclusions,hedecidedthatinhisowncasetherecouldnotbesuchamorbidreaction,thathisreasonandwillwouldremainunimpairedatthetimeofcarryingouthisdesign,forthesimplereasonthathisdesignwas“notacrime.…”wewillomitalltheprocessbymeansofwhichhearrivedatthislastconclusion;wehaveruntoofaraheadalready.…wemayaddonlythatthepractical,purelymaterialdifficultiesoftheaffairoccupiedasecondarypositioninhismind.“onehasbuttokeepallone’swill-powerandreasontodealwiththem,andtheywillallbeovercomeatthetimewhenonceonehasfamiliarisedoneselfwiththeminutestdetailsofthebusiness.…”butthispreparationhadneverbeenbegun.hisfinaldecisionswerewhathecametotrustleast,andwhenthehourstruck,itallcametopassquitedifferently,asitwereaccidentallyandunexpectedly.

onetriflingcircumstanceupsethiscalculations,beforehehadevenleftthestaircase.whenhereachedthelandlady’skitchen,thedoorofwhichwasopenasusual,heglancedcautiouslyintoseewhether,innastasya’sabsence,thelandladyherselfwasthere,orifnot,whetherthedoortoherownroomwasclosed,sothatshemightnotpeepoutwhenhewentinfortheaxe.butwhatwashisamazementwhenhesuddenlysawthatnastasyawasnotonlyathomeinthekitchen,butwasoccupiedthere,takinglinenoutofabasketandhangingitonaline.seeinghim,sheleftoffhangingtheclothes,turnedtohimandstaredathimallthetimehewaspassing.heturnedawayhiseyes,andwalkedpastasthoughhenoticednothing.butitwastheendofeverything;hehadnottheaxe!hewasoverwhelmed.

“whatmademethink,”hereflected,ashewentunderthegateway,“whatmademethinkthatshewouldbesurenottobeathomeatthatmoment!why,why,whydidiassumethissocertainly?”

hewascrushedandevenhumiliated.hecouldhavelaughedathimselfinhisanger.…adullanimalrageboiledwithinhim.