第26章

第26章“butwhyamigoingonlikethis?”hecontinued,sittingupagain,asitwereinprofoundamazement.“iknewthaticouldneverbringmyselftoit,sowhathaveibeentorturingmyselffortillnow?yesterday,yesterday,wheniwenttomakethat…experiment,yesterdayirealisedcompletelythaticouldneverbeartodoit.…whyamigoingoveritagain,then?whyamihesitating?asicamedownthestairsyesterday,isaidmyselfthatitwasbase,loathsome,vile,vile…theverythoughtofitmademefeelsickandfilledmewithhorror.

“no,icouldn’tdoit,icouldn’tdoit!granted,grantedthatthereisnoflawinallthatreasoning,thatallthatihaveconcludedthislastmonthisclearasday,trueasarithmetic.…mygod!anywayicouldn’tbringmyselftoit!icouldn’tdoit,icouldn’tdoit!why,whythenamistill…?”

herosetohisfeet,lookedroundinwonderasthoughsurprisedatfindinghimselfinthisplace,andwenttowardsthebridge.hewaspale,hiseyesglowed,hewasexhaustedineverylimb,butheseemedsuddenlytobreathemoreeasily.hefelthehadcastoffthatfearfulburdenthathadsolongbeenweighinguponhim,andallatoncetherewasasenseofreliefandpeaceinhissoul.“lord,”heprayed,“showmemypath—irenouncethataccursed…dreamofmine.”

crossingthebridge,hegazedquietlyandcalmlyattheneva,attheglowingredsunsettingintheglowingsky.inspiteofhisweaknesshewasnotconsciousoffatigue.itwasasthoughanabscessthathadbeenformingforamonthpastinhishearthadsuddenlybroken.freedom,freedom!hewasfreefromthatspell,thatsorcery,thatobsession!

lateron,whenherecalledthattimeandallthathappenedtohimduringthosedays,minutebyminute,pointbypoint,hewassuperstitiouslyimpressedbyonecircumstance,which,thoughinitselfnotveryexceptional,alwaysseemedtohimafterwardsthepredestinedturning-pointofhisfate.hecouldneverunderstandandexplaintohimselfwhy,whenhewastiredandwornout,whenitwouldhavebeenmoreconvenientforhimtogohomebytheshortestandmostdirectway,hehadreturnedbythehaymarketwherehehadnoneedtogo.itwasobviouslyandquiteunnecessarilyoutofhisway,thoughnotmuchso.itistruethatithappenedtohimdozensoftimestoreturnhomewithoutnoticingwhatstreetshepassedthrough.butwhy,hewasalwaysaskinghimself,whyhadsuchanimportant,suchadecisiveandatthesametimesuchanabsolutelychancemeetinghappenedinthehaymarket(wherehehadmoreovernoreasontogo)attheveryhour,theveryminuteofhislifewhenhewasjustintheverymoodandintheverycircumstancesinwhichthatmeetingwasabletoexertthegravestandmostdecisiveinfluenceonhiswholedestiny?asthoughithadbeenlyinginwaitforhimonpurpose!