第20章

第20章sohetorturedhimself,frettinghimselfwithsuchquestions,andfindingakindofenjoymentinit.andyetallthesequestionswerenotnewonessuddenlyconfrontinghim,theywereoldfamiliaraches.itwaslongsincetheyhadfirstbeguntogripandrendhisheart.long,longagohispresentanguishhaditsfirstbeginnings;ithadwaxedandgatheredstrength,ithadmaturedandconcentrated,untilithadtakentheformofafearful,frenziedandfantasticquestion,whichtorturedhisheartandmind,clamouringinsistentlyforananswer.nowhismother’sletterhadburstonhimlikeathunderclap.itwasclearthathemustnotnowsufferpassively,worryinghimselfoverunsolvedquestions,butthathemustdosomething,doitatonce,anddoitquickly.anywayhemustdecideonsomething,orelse…

“orthrowuplifealtogether!”hecriedsuddenly,inafrenzy—“acceptone’slothumblyasitis,onceforallandstifleeverythinginoneself,givingupallclaimtoactivity,lifeandlove!”

“doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatitmeanswhenyouhaveabsolutelynowheretoturn?”marmeladov’squestioncamesuddenlyintohismind,“foreverymanmusthavesomewheretoturn.…”

hegaveasuddenstart;anotherthought,thathehadhadyesterday,slippedbackintohismind.buthedidnotstartatthethoughtrecurringtohim,forheknew,hehadfeltbeforehand,thatitmustcomeback,hewasexpectingit;besidesitwasnotonlyyesterday’sthought.thedifferencewasthatamonthago,yesterdayeven,thethoughtwasameredream:butnow…nowitappearednotadreamatall,ithadtakenanewmenacingandquiteunfamiliarshape,andhesuddenlybecameawareofthishimself.…hefeltahammeringinhishead,andtherewasadarknessbeforehiseyes.

helookedroundhurriedly,hewassearchingforsomething.hewantedtositdownandwaslookingforaseat;hewaswalkingalongthek——boulevard.therewasaseataboutahundredpacesinfrontofhim.hewalkedtowardsitasfasthecould;butonthewayhemetwithalittleadventurewhichabsorbedallhisattention.lookingfortheseat,hehadnoticedawomanwalkingsometwentypacesinfrontofhim,butatfirsthetooknomorenoticeofherthanofotherobjectsthatcrossedhispath.ithadhappenedtohimmanytimesgoinghomenottonoticetheroadbywhichhewasgoing,andhewasaccustomedtowalklikethat.buttherewasatfirstsightsomethingsostrangeaboutthewomaninfrontofhim,thatgraduallyhisattentionwasriveteduponher,atfirstreluctantlyand,asitwere,resentfully,andthenmoreandmoreintently.hefeltasuddendesiretofindoutwhatitwasthatwassostrangeaboutthewoman.inthefirstplace,sheappearedtobeagirlquiteyoung,andshewaswalkinginthegreatheatbareheadedandwithnoparasolorgloves,wavingherarmsaboutinanabsurdway.shehadonadressofsomelightsilkymaterial,butputonstrangelyawry,notproperlyhookedup,andtornopenatthetopoftheskirt,closetothewaist:agreatpiecewasrentandhangingloose.alittlekerchiefwasflungaboutherbarethroat,butlayslantingononeside.thegirlwaswalkingunsteadily,too,stumblinganderingfromsidetoside.shedrewraskolnikov’swholeattentionatlast.heovertookthegirlattheseat,but,onreachingit,shedroppeddownonit,inthecorner;sheletherheadsinkonthebackoftheseatandclosedhereyes,apparentlyinextremeexhaustion.lookingatherclosely,hesawatoncethatshewascompletelydrunk.itwasastrangeandshockingsight.hecouldhardlybelievethathewasnotmistaken.hesawbeforehimthefaceofaquiteyoung,fair-hairedgirl—sixteen,perhapsnotmorethanfifteen,yearsold,prettylittleface,butflushedandheavylookingand,asitwere,swollen.thegirlseemedhardlytoknowwhatshewasdoing;shecrossedonelegovertheother,liftingitindecorously,andshowedeverysignofbeingunconsciousthatshewasinthestreet.

raskolnikovdidnotsitdown,buthefeltunwillingtoleaveher,andstoodfacingherinperplexity.thisboulevardwasnevermuchfrequented;andnow,attwoo’clock,inthestiflingheat,itwasquitedeserted.andyetonthefurthersideoftheboulevard,aboutfifteenpacesaway,agentlemanwasstandingontheedgeofthepavement.he,too,wouldapparentlyhavelikedtoapproachthegirlwithsomeobjectofhisown.he,too,hadprobablyseenherinthedistanceandhadfollowedher,butfoundraskolnikovinhisway.helookedangrilyathim,thoughhetriedtoescapehisnotice,andstoodimpatientlybidinghistime,tilltheunwelcomemaninragsshouldhavemovedaway.hisintentionswereunmistakable.thegentlemanwasaplump,thickly-setman,aboutthirty,fashionablydressed,withahighcolour,redlipsandmoustaches.raskolnikovfeltfurious;hehadasuddenlongingtoinsultthisfatdandyinsomeway.heleftthegirlforamomentandwalkedtowardsthegentleman.

“hey!yousvidrigailov!whatdoyouwanthere?”heshouted,clenchinghisfistsandlaughing,splutteringwithrage.

“whatdoyoumean?”thegentlemanaskedsternly,scowlinginhaughtyastonishment.

“getaway,that’swhatimean.”

“howdareyou,youlowfellow!”

heraisedhiscane.raskolnikovrushedathimwithhisfists,withoutreflectingthatthestoutgentlemanwasamatchfortwomenlikehimself.butatthatinstantsomeoneseizedhimfrombehind,andapoliceconstablestoodbetweenthem.

“that’senough,gentlemen,nofighting,please,inapublicplace.whatdoyouwant?whoareyou?”heaskedraskolnikovsternly,noticinghisrags.

raskolnikovlookedathimintently.hehadastraight-forward,sensible,soldierlyface,withgreymoustachesandwhiskers.

“youarejustthemaniwant,”raskolnikovcried,catchingathisarm.“iamastudent,raskolnikov.…youmayaswellknowthattoo,”headded,addressingthegentleman,“comealong,ihavesomethingtoshowyou.”