第19章

第19章“well,…motheridon’twonderat,it’slikeher,godblessher,buthowcoulddounia?douniadarling,asthoughididnotknowyou!youwerenearlytwentywhenisawyoulast:iunderstoodyouthen.motherwritesthat‘douniacanputupwithagreatdeal.’iknowthatverywell.iknewthattwoyearsandahalfago,andforthelasttwoandahalfyearsihavebeenthinkingaboutit,thinkingofjustthat,that‘douniacanputupwithagreatdeal.’ifshecouldputupwithmr.svidrigailovandalltherestofit,shecertainlycanputupwithagreatdeal.andnowmotherandshehavetakenitintotheirheadsthatshecanputupwithmr.luzhin,whopropoundsthetheoryofthesuperiorityofwivesraisedfromdestitutionandowingeverythingtotheirhusband’sbounty—whopropoundsit,too,almostatthefirstinterview.grantedthathe‘letitslip,’thoughheisasensibleman,(yetmaybeitwasnotaslipatall,buthemeanttomakehimselfclearassoonaspossible)butdounia,dounia?sheunderstandstheman,ofcourse,butshewillhavetolivewiththeman.why!she’dliveonblackbreadandwater,shewouldnotsellhersoul,shewouldnotbarterhermoralfreedomforcomfort;shewouldnotbarteritforallschleswig-holstein,muchlessmr.luzhin’smoney.no,douniawasnotthatsortwheniknewherand…sheisstillthesame,ofcourse!yes,there’snodenying,thesvidrigailovsareabitterpill!it’sabitterthingtospendone’slifeagovernessintheprovincesfortwohundredroubles,butiknowshewouldratherbeaeronaplantationoralettwithagermanmasterthandegradehersoul,andhermoraldignity,bybindingherselfforevertoamanwhomshedoesnotrespectandwithwhomshehasnothingincommon—forherownadvantage.andifmr.luzhinhadbeenofunalloyedgold,oronehugediamond,shewouldneverhaveconsentedtobecomehislegalconcubine.whyissheconsentingthen?what’sthepointofit?what’stheanswer?it’sclearenough:forherself,forhercomfort,tosaveherlifeshewouldnotsellherself,butforsomeoneelsesheisdoingit!foronesheloves,foronesheadores,shewillsellherself!that’swhatitallamountsto;forherbrother,forhermother,shewillsellherself!shewillselleverything!insuchcases,‘weovercomeourmoralfeelingifnecessary,’freedom,peace,conscienceeven,all,allarebroughtintothemarket.letmylifego,ifonlymydearonesmaybehappy!morethanthat,webecomecasuists,welearntobejesuiticalandforatimemaybewecansootheourselves,wecanpersuadeourselvesthatitisone’sdutyforagoodobject.that’sjustlikeus,it’sasclearasdaylight.it’sclearthatrodionromanovitchraskolnikovisthecentralfigureinthebusiness,andnooneelse.oh,yes,shecanensurehishappiness,keephimintheuniversity,makehimapartnerintheoffice,makehiswholefuturesecure;perhapshemayevenbearichmanlateron,prosperous,respected,andmayevenendhislifeafamousman!butmymother?it’sallrodya,preciousrodya,herfirstborn!forsuchasonwhowouldnotsacrificesuchadaughter!oh,loving,over-partialhearts!why,forhissakewewouldnotshrinkevenfromsonia’sfate.sonia,soniamarmeladov,theeternalvictimsolongastheworldlasts.haveyoutakenthemeasureofyoursacrifice,bothofyou?isitright?canyoubearit?isitanyuse?istheresenseinit?andletmetellyou,dounia,sonia’slifeisnoworsethanlifewithmr.luzhin.‘therecanbenoquestionoflove,’motherwrites.andwhatiftherecanbenorespecteither,ifonthecontrarythereisaversion,contempt,repulsion,whatthen?soyouwillhaveto‘keepupyourappearance,’too.isnotthatso?doyouunderstandwhatthatsmartnessmeans?doyouunderstandthattheluzhinsmartnessisjustthesamethingassonia’sandmaybeworse,viler,baser,becauseinyourcase,dounia,it’sabargainforluxuries,afterall,butwithsoniait’ssimplyaquestionofstarvation.ithastobepaidfor,ithastobepaidfor,dounia,thissmartness.andwhatifit’smorethanyoucanbearafterwards,ifyouregretit?thebitterness,themisery,thecurses,thetearshiddenfromalltheworld,foryouarenotamarfapetrovna.andhowwillyourmotherfeelthen?evennowsheisuneasy,sheisworried,butthen,whensheseesitallclearly?andi?yes,indeed,whathaveyoutakenmefor?iwon’thaveyoursacrifice,dounia,iwon’thaveit,mother!itshallnotbe,solongasiamalive,itshallnot,itshallnot!iwon’tacceptit!”

hesuddenlypausedinhisreflectionandstoodstill.

“itshallnotbe?butwhatareyougoingtodotopreventit?you’llforbidit?andwhatrighthaveyou?whatcanyoupromisethemonyoursidetogiveyousucharight?yourwholelife,yourwholefuture,youwilldevotetothemwhenyouhavefinishedyourstudiesandobtainedapost?yes,wehaveheardallthatbefore,andthat’sallwords,butnow?nowsomethingmustbedone,now,doyouunderstandthat?andwhatareyoudoingnow?youarelivinguponthem.theyborrowontheirhundredroublespension.theyborrowfromthesvidrigailovs.howareyougoingtosavethemfromsvidrigailovs,fromafanasyivanovitchvahrushin,oh,futuremillionairezeuswhowouldarrangetheirlivesforthem?inanothertenyears?inanothertenyears,motherwillbeblindwithknittingshawls,maybewithweepingtoo.shewillbeworntoashadowwithfasting;andmysister?imagineforamomentwhatmayhavebecomeofyoursisterintenyears?whatmayhappentoherduringthosetenyears?canyoufancy?”