第23章

第23章“ofcourse,i’vebeenmeaninglatelytogotorazumihin’stoaskforwork,toaskhimtogetmelessonsorsomething…”raskolnikovthought,“butwhathelpcanhebetomenow?supposehegetsmelessons,supposeheshareshislastfarthingwithme,ifhehasanyfarthings,sothaticouldgetsomebootsandmakemyselftidyenoughtogivelessons…hm…wellandwhatthen?whatshallidowiththefewcoppersiearn?that’snotwhatiwantnow.it’sreallyabsurdformetogotorazumihin.…”

thequestionwhyhewasnowgoingtorazumihinagitatedhimevenmorethanhewashimselfaware;hekeptuneasilyseekingforsomesinistersignificanceinthisapparentlyordinaryaction.

“couldihaveexpectedtosetitallstraightandtofindawayoutbymeansofrazumihinalone?”heaskedhimselfinperplexity.

heponderedandrubbedhisforehead,and,strangetosay,afterlongmusing,suddenly,asifitwerespontaneouslyandbychance,afantasticthoughtcameintohishead.

“hm…torazumihin’s,”hesaidallatonce,calmly,asthoughhehadreachedafinaldetermination.“ishallgotorazumihin’sofcourse,but…notnow.ishallgotohim…onthenextdayafterit,whenitwillbeoverandeverythingwillbeginafresh.…”

andsuddenlyherealisedwhathewasthinking.

“afterit,”heshouted,jumpingupfromtheseat,“butisitreallygoingtohappen?isitpossibleitreallywillhappen?”helefttheseat,andwentoffalmostatarun;hemeanttoturnback,homewards,butthethoughtofgoinghomesuddenlyfilledhimwithintenseloathing;inthathole,inthatawfullittlecupboardofhis,allthishadforamonthpastbeengrowingupinhim;andhewalkedonatrandom.

hisnervousshudderhadpassedintoafeverthatmadehimfeelshivering;inspiteoftheheathefeltcold.withakindofefforthebeganalmostunconsciously,fromsomeinnercraving,tostareatalltheobjectsbeforehim,asthoughlookingforsomethingtodistracthisattention;buthedidnoteed,andkeptdroppingeverymomentintobrooding.whenwithastartheliftedhisheadagainandlookedround,heforgotatoncewhathehadjustbeenthinkingaboutandevenwherehewasgoing.inthiswayhewalkedrightacrossvassilyevskyostrov,cameoutontothelesserneva,crossedthebridgeandturnedtowardstheislands.thegreennessandfreshnesswereatfirstrestfultohiswearyeyesafterthedustofthetownandthehugehousesthathemmedhiminandweigheduponhim.heretherewerenotaverns,nostiflingcloseness,nostench.butsoonthesenewpleasantsensationspassedintomorbidirritability.sometimeshestoodstillbeforeabrightlypaintedsummervillastandingamonggreenfoliage,hegazedthroughthefence,hesawinthedistancesmartlydressedwomenontheverandahsandbalconies,andchildrenrunninginthegardens.theflowersespeciallycaughthisattention;hegazedatthemlongerthanatanything.hewasmet,too,byluxuriouscarriagesandbymenandwomenonhorseback;hewatchedthemwithcuriouseyesandforgotaboutthembeforetheyhadvanishedfromhissight.oncehestoodstillandcountedhismoney;hefoundhehadthirtycopecks.“twentytothepoliceman,threetonastasyafortheletter,soimusthavegivenforty-sevenorfiftytothemarmeladovsyesterday,”hethought,reckoningitupforsomeunknownreason,buthesoonforgotwithwhatobjecthehadtakenthemoneyoutofhispocket.herecalleditonpassinganeating-houseortavern,andfeltthathewashungry.…goingintothetavernhedrankaglassofvodkaandateapieofsomesort.hefinishedeatingitashewalkedaway.itwasalongwhilesincehehadtakenvodkaandithadaneffectuponhimatonce,thoughheonlydrankawineglassful.hislegsfeltsuddenlyheavyandagreatdrowsinesscameuponhim.heturnedhomewards,butreachingpetrovskyostrovhestoppedcompletelyexhausted,turnedofftheroadintothebushes,sankdownuponthegrassandinstantlyfellasleep.

inamorbidconditionofthebrain,dreamsoftenhaveasingularactuality,vividness,andextraordinarysemblanceofreality.attimesmonstrousimagesarecreated,butthesettingandthewholepicturearesotruthlikeandfilledwithdetailssodelicate,sounexpectedly,butsoartisticallyconsistent,thatthedreamer,wereheanartistlikepushkinorturgeneveven,couldneverhaveinventedtheminthewakingstate.suchsickdreamsalwaysremainlonginthememoryandmakeapowerfulimpressionontheoverwroughtandderangednervoussystem.