第11章

第11章marmeladovbrokeoff,triedtosmile,butsuddenlyhischinbegantotwitch.hecontrolledhimselfhowever.thetavern,thedegradedappearanceoftheman,thefivenightsinthehaybarge,andthepotofspirits,andyetthispoignantloveforhiswifeandchildrenbewilderedhislistener.raskolnikovlistenedintentlybutwithasicksensation.hefeltvexedthathehadcomehere.

“honouredsir,honouredsir,”criedmarmeladovrecoveringhimself—“oh,sir,perhapsallthisseemsalaughingmattertoyou,asitdoestoothers,andperhapsiamonlyworryingyouwiththestupidityofallthetrivialdetailsofmyhomelife,butitisnotalaughingmattertome.foricanfeelitall.…andthewholeofthatheavenlydayofmylifeandthewholeofthateveningipassedinfleetingdreamsofhowiwouldarrangeitall,andhowiwoulddressallthechildren,andhowishouldgiveherrest,andhowishouldrescuemyowndaughterfromdishonourandrestorehertothebosomofherfamily.…andagreatdealmore.…quiteexcusable,sir.well,then,sir”(marmeladovsuddenlygaveasortofstart,raisedhisheadandgazedintentlyathislistener)“well,ontheverynextdayafterallthosedreams,thatistosay,exactlyfivedaysago,intheevening,byacunningtrick,likeathiefinthenight,istolefromkaterinaivanovnathekeyofherbox,tookoutwhatwasleftofmyearnings,howmuchitwasihaveforgotten,andnowlookatme,allofyou!it’sthefifthdaysinceilefthome,andtheyarelookingformethereandit’stheendofmyemployment,andmyuniformislyinginatavernontheegyptianbridge.iexchangeditforthegarmentsihaveon…andit’stheendofeverything!”

marmeladovstruckhisforeheadwithhisfist,clenchedhisteeth,closedhiseyesandleanedheavilywithhiselbowonthetable.butaminutelaterhisfacesuddenlychangedandwithacertainassumedslynessandaffectationofbravado,heglancedatraskolnikov,laughedandsaid:

“thismorningiwenttoseesonia,iwenttoaskherforapick-me-up!he-he-he!”

“youdon’tsayshegaveittoyou?”criedoneofthenew-comers;heshoutedthewordsandwentoffintoaguffaw.

“thisveryquartwasboughtwithhermoney,”marmeladovdeclared,addressinghimselfexclusivelytoraskolnikov.“thirtycopecksshegavemewithherownhands,herlast,allshehad,asisaw.…shesaidnothing,sheonlylookedatmewithoutaword.…notonearth,butupyonder…theygrieveovermen,theyweep,buttheydon’tblamethem,theydon’tblamethem!butithurtsmore,ithurtsmorewhentheydon’tblame!thirtycopecksyes!andmaybesheneedsthemnow,eh?whatdoyouthink,mydearsir?fornowshe’sgottokeepupherappearance.itcostsmoney,thatsmartness,thatspecialsmartness,youknow?doyouunderstand?andthere’spomatum,too,yousee,shemusthavethings;petticoats,starchedones,shoes,too,realjauntyonestoshowoffherfootwhenshehastostepoverapuddle.doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatallthatsmartnessmeans?andherei,herownfather,hereitookthirtycopecksofthatmoneyforadrink!andiamdrinkingit!andihavealreadydrunkit!come,whowillhavepityonamanlikeme,eh?areyousorryforme,sir,ornot?tellme,sir,areyousorryornot?he-he-he!”

hewouldhavefilledhisglass,buttherewasnodrinkleft.thepotwasempty.

“whatareyoutobepitiedfor?”shoutedthetavern-keeperwhowasagainnearthem.

shoutsoflaughterandevenoathsfollowed.thelaughterandtheoathscamefromthosewhowerelisteningandalsofromthosewhohadheardnothingbutweresimplylookingatthefigureofthedischargedgovernmentclerk.

“tobepitied!whyamitobepitied?”marmeladovsuddenlydeclaimed,standingupwithhisarmoutstretched,asthoughhehadbeenonlywaitingforthatquestion.