第12章

第12章“whyamitobepitied,yousay?yes!there’snothingtopitymefor!ioughttobecrucified,crucifiedonacross,notpitied!crucifyme,ohjudge,crucifymebutpityme!andtheniwillgoofmyselftobecrucified,forit’snotmerry-makingiseekbuttearsandtribulation!…doyousuppose,youthatsell,thatthispintofyourshasbeensweettome?itwastribulationisoughtatthebottomofit,tearsandtribulation,andhavefoundit,andihavetastedit;buthewillpityuswhohashadpityonallmen,whohasunderstoodallmenandallthings,heistheone,hetooisthejudge.hewillcomeinthatdayandhewillask:‘whereisthedaughterwhogaveherselfforhercross,consumptivestep-motherandforthelittlechildrenofanother?whereisthedaughterwhohadpityuponthefilthydrunkard,herearthlyfather,undismayedbyhisbeastliness?’andhewillsay,‘cometome!ihavealreadyforgiventheeonce.…ihaveforgiventheeonce.…thysinswhicharemanyareforgiventheeforthouhastlovedmuch.…’andhewillforgivemysonia,hewillforgive,iknowit…ifeltitinmyheartwheniwaswithherjustnow!andhewilljudgeandwillforgiveall,thegoodandtheevil,thewiseandthemeek.…andwhenhehasdonewithallofthem,thenhewillsummonus.‘youtoocomeforth,’hewillsay,‘comeforthyedrunkards,comeforth,yeweakones,comeforth,yechildrenofshame!’andweshallallcomeforth,withoutshameandshallstandbeforehim.andhewillsayuntous,‘yeareswine,madeintheimageofthebeastandwithhismark;butcomeyealso!’andthewiseonesandthoseofunderstandingwillsay,‘ohlord,whydostthoureceivethesemen?’andhewillsay,‘thisiswhyireceivethem,ohyewise,thisiswhyireceivethem,ohyeofunderstanding,thatnotoneofthembelievedhimselftobeworthyofthis.’andhewillholdouthishandstousandweshallfalldownbeforehim…andweshallweep…andweshallunderstandallthings!thenweshallunderstandall!…andallwillunderstand,katerinaivanovnaeven…shewillunderstand.…lord,thykingdomcome!”andhesankdownonthebenchexhausted,andhelpless,lookingatnoone,apparentlyobliviousofhissurroundingsandplungedindeepthought.hiswordshadcreatedacertainimpression;therewasamomentofsilence;butsoonlaughterandoathswereheardagain.

“that’shisnotion!”

“talkedhimselfsilly!”

“afineclerkheis!”

andsoon,andsoon.

“letusgo,sir,”saidmarmeladovallatonce,raisinghisheadandaddressingraskolnikov—“comealongwithme…kozel’shouse,lookingintotheyard.i’mgoingtokaterinaivanovna—timeidid.”

raskolnikovhadforsometimebeenwantingtogoandhehadmeanttohelphim.marmeladovwasmuchunsteadieronhislegsthaninhisspeechandleanedheavilyontheyoungman.theyhadtwoorthreehundredpacestogo.thedrunkenmanwasmoreandmoreovercomebydismayandconfusionastheydrewnearerthehouse.

“it’snotkaterinaivanovnaiamafraidofnow,”hemutteredinagitation—“andthatshewillbeginpullingmyhair.whatdoesmyhairmatter!bothermyhair!that’swhatisay!indeeditwillbebetterifshedoesbeginpullingit,that’snotwhatiamafraidof…it’shereyesiamafraidof…yes,hereyes…theredonhercheeks,too,frightensme…andherbreathingtoo.…haveyounoticedhowpeopleinthatdiseasebreathe…whentheyareexcited?iamfrightenedofthechildren’scrying,too.…forifsoniahasnottakenthemfood…idon’tknowwhat’shappened!idon’tknow!butblowsiamnotafraidof.…know,sir,thatsuchblowsarenotapaintome,butevenanenjoyment.infactican’tgetonwithoutit.…it’sbetterso.letherstrikeme,itrelievesherheart…it’sbetterso…thereisthehouse.thehouseofkozel,thecabinet-maker…agerman,well-to-do.leadtheway!”

theywentinfromtheyardanduptothefourthstorey.thestaircasegotdarkeranddarkerastheywentup.itwasnearlyeleveno’clockandalthoughinsummerinpetersburgthereisnorealnight,yetitwasquitedarkatthetopofthestairs.

agrimylittledoorattheverytopofthestairsstoodajar.averypoor-lookingroomabouttenpaceslongwaslightedupbyacandle-end;thewholeofitwasvisiblefromtheentrance.itwasallindisorder,litteredupwithragsofallsorts,especiallychildren’sgarments.acrossthefurthestcornerwasstretchedaedsheet.behinditprobablywasthebed.therewasnothingintheroomexcepttwochairsandasofacoveredwithamericanleather,fullofholes,beforewhichstoodanolddealkitchen-table,unpaintedanduncovered.attheedgeofthetablestoodasmolderingtallow-candleinanironcandlestick.itappearedthatthefamilyhadaroomtothemselves,notpartofaroom,buttheirroomwaspracticallyapassage.thedoorleadingtotheotherrooms,orrathercupboards,intowhichamalialippevechsel’sflatwasdividedstoodhalfopen,andtherewasshouting,uproarandlaughterwithin.peopleseemedtobeplayingcardsanddrinkingteathere.wordsofthemostunceremoniouskindflewoutfromtimetotime.