第9章

第9章“youngman,”hewenton,raisinghisheadagain,“inyourfaceiseemtoreadsometroubleofmind.whenyoucameinireadit,andthatwaswhyiaddressedyouatonce.forinunfoldingtoyouthestoryofmylife,idonotwishtomakemyselfalaughing-stockbeforetheseidlelisteners,whoindeedknowallaboutitalready,butiamlookingforamanoffeelingandeducation.knowthenthatmywifewaseducatedinahigh-classschoolforthedaughtersofnoblemen,andonleavingshedancedtheshawldancebeforethegovernorandotherpersonagesforwhichshewaspresentedwithagoldmedalandacertificateofmerit.themedal…well,themedalofcoursewassold—longago,hm…butthecertificateofmeritisinhertrunkstillandnotlongagosheshowedittoourlandlady.andalthoughsheismostcontinuallyonbadtermswiththelandlady,yetshewantedtotellsomeoneorotherofherpasthonoursandofthehappydaysthataregone.idon’tcondemnherforit,idon’tblameher,fortheonethingleftherisrecollectionofthepast,andalltherestisdustandashes.yes,yes,sheisaladyofspirit,proudanddetermined.shescrubsthefloorsherselfandhasnothingbutblackbreadtoeat,butwon’tallowherselftobetreatedwithdisrespect.that’swhyshewouldnotoverlookmr.lebeziatnikov’srudenesstoher,andsowhenhegaveherabeatingforit,shetooktoherbedmorefromthehurttoherfeelingsthanfromtheblows.shewasawidowwhenimarriedher,withthreechildren,onesmallerthantheother.shemarriedherfirsthusband,aninfantryofficer,forlove,andranawaywithhimfromherfather’shouse.shewasexceedinglyfondofherhusband;buthegavewaytocards,gotintotroubleandwiththathedied.heusedtobeatherattheend:andalthoughshepaidhimback,ofwhichihaveauthenticdocumentaryevidence,tothisdayshespeaksofhimwithtearsandshethrowshimuptome;andiamglad,iamgladthat,thoughonlyinimagination,sheshouldthinkofherselfashavingoncebeenhappy.…andshewasleftathisdeathwiththreechildreninawildandremotedistrictwhereihappenedtobeatthetime;andshewasleftinsuchhopelesspovertythat,althoughihaveseenmanyupsanddownsofallsort,idon’tfeelequaltodescribingiteven.herrelationshadallthrownheroff.andshewasproud,too,excessivelyproud.…andthen,honouredsir,andthen,i,beingatthetimeawidower,withadaughteroffourteenleftmebymyfirstwife,offeredhermyhand,foricouldnotbearthesightofsuchsuffering.youcanjudgetheextremityofhercalamities,thatshe,awomanofeducationandcultureanddistinguishedfamily,shouldhaveconsentedtobemywife.butshedid!weepingandsobbingandwringingherhands,shemarriedme!forshehadnowheretoturn!doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatitmeanswhenyouhaveabsolutelynowheretoturn?no,thatyoudon’tunderstandyet.…andforawholeyear,iperformedmydutiesconscientiouslyandfaithfully,anddidnottouchthis”(hetappedthejugwithhisfinger),“forihavefeelings.butevenso,icouldnotpleaseher;andthenilostmyplacetoo,andthatthroughnofaultofminebutthroughchangesintheoffice;andthenididtouchit!…itwillbeayearandahalfagosoonsincewefoundourselvesatlastaftermanywanderingsandnumerouscalamitiesinthismagnificentcapital,adornedwithinnumerablemonuments.hereiobtainedasituation.…iobtaineditandilostitagain.doyouunderstand?thistimeitwasthroughmyownfaultilostit:formyweaknesshadcomeout.…wehavenowpartofaroomatamaliafyodorovnalippevechsel’s;andwhatweliveuponandwhatwepayourrentwith,icouldnotsay.therearealotofpeoplelivingtherebesidesourselves.dirtanddisorder,aperfectbedlam…hm…yes…andmeanwhilemydaughterbymyfirstwifehasgrownup;andwhatmydaughterhashadtoputupwithfromherstep-motherwhilstshewasgrowingup,iwon’tspeakof.for,thoughkaterinaivanovnaisfullofgenerousfeelings,sheisaspiritedlady,irritableandshort—tempered.…yes.butit’snousegoingoverthat!sonia,asyoumaywellfancy,hashadnoeducation.ididmakeaneffortfouryearsagotogiveheracourseofgeographyanduniversalhistory,butasiwasnotverywellupinthosesubjectsmyselfandwehadnosuitablebooks,andwhatbookswehad…hm,anywaywehavenoteventhosenow,soallourinstructioncametoanend.westoppedatcyrusofpersia.sinceshehasattainedyearsofmaturity,shehasreadotherbooksofromantictendencyandoflateshehadreadwithgreatinterestabookshegotthroughmr.lebeziatnikov,lewes’physiology—doyouknowit?—andevenrecountedextractsfromittous:andthat’sthewholeofhereducation.andnowmayiventuretoaddressyou,honouredsir,onmyownaccountwithaprivatequestion.doyousupposethatarespectablepoorgirlcanearnmuchbyhonestwork?notfifteenfarthingsadaycansheearn,ifsheisrespectableandhasnospecialtalentandthatwithoutputtingherworkdownforaninstant!andwhat’smore,ivanivanitchklopstockthecivilcounsellor—haveyouheardofhim?—hasnottothisdaypaidherforthehalf-dozenlinenshirtsshemadehimanddroveherroughlyaway,stampingandrevilingher,onthepretextthattheshirtcollarswerenotmadelikethepatternandwereputinaskew.andtherearethelittleoneshungry.…andkaterinaivanovnawalkingupanddownandwringingherhands,hercheeksflushedred,astheyalwaysareinthatdisease:‘hereyoulivewithus,’saysshe,‘youeatanddrinkandarekeptwarmandyoudonothingtohelp.’andmuchshegetstoeatanddrinkwhenthereisnotacrustforthelittleonesforthreedays!iwaslyingatthetime…well,whatofit!iwaslyingdrunkandiheardmysoniaspeaking(sheisagentlecreaturewithasoftlittlevoice…fairhairandsuchapale,thinlittleface).shesaid:‘katerinaivanovna,amireallytodoathinglikethat?’anddaryafrantsovna,awomanofevilcharacterandverywellknowntothepolice,hadtwoorthreetimestriedtogetatherthroughthelandlady.‘andwhynot?’saidkaterinaivanovnawithajeer,‘youaresomethingmightyprecioustobesocarefulof!’butdon’tblameher,don’tblameher,honouredsir,don’tblameher!shewasnotherselfwhenshespoke,butdriventodistractionbyherillnessandthecryingofthehungrychildren;anditwassaidmoretowoundherthananythingelse.…forthat’skaterinaivanovna’scharacter,andwhenchildrencry,evenfromhunger,shefallstobeatingthematonce.atsixo’clockisawsoniagetup,putonherkerchiefandhercape,andgooutoftheroomandaboutnineo’clockshecameback.shewalkedstraightuptokaterinaivanovnaandshelaidthirtyroublesonthetablebeforeherinsilence.shedidnotutteraword,shedidnotevenlookather,shesimplypickedupourbiggreendrapdedamesshawl(wehaveashawl,madeofdrapdedames),putitoverherheadandfaceandlaydownonthebedwithherfacetothewall;onlyherlittleshouldersandherbodykeptshuddering.…andiwentonlyingthere,justasbefore.…andthenisaw,youngman,isawkaterinaivanovna,inthesamesilencegouptosonia’slittlebed;shewasonherkneesalltheeveningkissingsonia’sfeet,andwouldnotgetup,andthentheybothfellasleepineachother’sarms…together,together…yes…andi…laydrunk.”