第3章

第3章onanexceptionallyhoteveningearlyinjulyayoungmancameoutofthegarretinwhichhelodgedins.placeandwalkedslowly,asthoughinhesitation,towardsk.bridge.

hehadessfullyavoidedmeetinghislandladyonthestaircase.hisgarretwasundertheroofofahigh,five-storiedhouseandwasmorelikeacupboardthanaroom.thelandladywhoprovidedhimwithgarret,dinners,andattendance,livedonthefloorbelow,andeverytimehewentouthewasobligedtopassherkitchen,thedoorofwhichinvariablystoodopen.andeachtimehepassed,theyoungmanhadasick,frightenedfeeling,whichmadehimscowlandfeelashamed.hewashopelesslyindebttohislandlady,andwasafraidofmeetingher.

thiswasnotbecausehewascowardlyandabject,quitethecontrary;butforsometimepasthehadbeeninanoverstrainedirritablecondition,vergingonhypochondria.hehadbecomesocompletelyabsorbedinhimself,andisolatedfromhisfellowsthathedreadedmeeting,notonlyhislandlady,butanyoneatall.hewascrushedbypoverty,buttheanxietiesofhispositionhadoflateceasedtoweighuponhim.hehadgivenupattendingtomattersofpracticalimportance;hehadlostalldesiretodoso.nothingthatanylandladycoulddohadarealterrorforhim.buttobestoppedonthestairs,tobeforcedtolistentohertrivial,irrelevantgossip,topesteringdemandsforpayment,threatsandcomplaints,andtorackhisbrainsforexcuses,toprevaricate,tolie—no,ratherthanthat,hewouldcreepdownthestairslikeacatandslipoutunseen.

thisevening,however,oncomingoutintothestreet,hebecameacutelyawareofhisfears.

“iwanttoattemptathinglikethatandamfrightenedbythesetrifles,”hethought,withanoddsmile.“hm…yes,allisinaman’shandsandheletsitallslipfromcowardice,that’sanaxiom.itwouldbeinterestingtoknowwhatitismenaremostafraidof.takinganewstep,utteringanewwordiswhattheyfearmost.…butiamtalkingtoomuch.it’sbecauseichatterthatidonothing.orperhapsitisthatichatterbecauseidonothing.i’velearnedtochatterthislastmonth,lyingfordaystogetherinmydenthinking…ofjackthegiant-killer.whyamigoingtherenow?amicapableofthat?isthatserious?itisnotseriousatall.it’ssimplyafantasytoamusemyself;aplaything!yes,maybeitisaplaything.”

theheatinthestreetwasterrible:andtheairlessness,thebustleandtheplaster,scaffolding,bricks,anddustallabouthim,andthatspecialpetersburgstench,sofamiliartoallwhoareunabletogetoutoftowninsummer—allworkedpainfullyupontheyoungman’salreadyoverwroughtnerves.theinsufferablestenchfromthepot-houses,whichareparticularlynumerousinthatpartofthetown,andthedrunkenmenwhomhemetcontinually,althoughitwasaworkingday,completedtherevoltingmiseryofthepicture.anexpressionoftheprofoundestdisgustgleamedforamomentintheyoungman’srefinedface.hewas,bytheway,exceptionallyhandsome,abovetheaverageinheight,slim,well-built,withbeautifuldarkeyesanddarkbrownhair.soonhesankintodeepthought,ormoreaccuratelyspeakingintoacompleteblanknessofmind;hewalkedalongnotobservingwhatwasabouthimandnotcaringtoobserveit.fromtimetotime,hewouldmuttersomething,fromthehabitoftalkingtohimself,towhichhehadjustconfessed.atthesemomentshewouldbecomeconsciousthathisideasweresometimesinatangleandthathewasveryweak;fortwodayshehadscarcelytastedfood.

hewassobadlydressedthatevenamanaccustomedtoshabbinesswouldhavebeenashamedtobeseeninthestreetinsuchrags.inthatquarterofthetown,however,scarcelyanyshortcomingindresswouldhavecreatedsurprise.owingtotheproximityofthehaymarket,thenumberofestablishmentsofbadcharacter,thepreponderanceofthetradingandworkingclasspopulationcrowdedinthesestreetsandalleysintheheartofpetersburg,typessovariousweretobeseeninthestreetsthatnofigure,howeverqueer,wouldhavecausedsurprise.buttherewassuchaccumulatedbitternessandcontemptintheyoungman’sheart,that,inspiteofallthefastidiousnessofyouth,hemindedhisragsleastofallinthestreet.itwasadifferentmatterwhenhemetwithacquaintancesorwithformerfellowstudents,whom,indeed,hedislikedmeetingatanytime.andyetwhenadrunkenmanwho,forsomeunknownreason,wasbeingtakensomewhereinahugeonedbyaheavydrayhorse,suddenlyshoutedathimashedrovepast:“heythere,germanhatter”bawlingatthetopofhisvoiceandpointingathim—theyoungmanstoppedsuddenlyandclutchedtremulouslyathishat.itwasatallroundhatfromzimmerman’s,butcompletelywornout,rustywithage,alltornandbespattered,brimlessandbentononesideinamostunseemlyfashion.notshame,however,butquiteanotherfeelingakintoterrorhadovertakenhim.

“iknewit,”hemutteredinconfusion,“ithoughtso!that’stheworstofall!why,astupidthinglikethis,themosttrivialdetailmightspoilthewholeplan.yes,myhatistoonoticeable.…itlooksabsurdandthatmakesitnoticeable.…withmyragsioughttowearacap,anysortofoldpancake,butnotthisgrotesquething.nobodywearssuchahat,itwouldbenoticedamileoff,itwouldberemembered.…whatmattersisthatpeoplewouldrememberit,andthatwouldgivethemaclue.forthisbusinessoneshouldbeaslittleconspicuousaspossible.…trifles,triflesarewhatmatter!why,it’sjustsuchtriflesthatalwaysruineverything.…”