第21章过有意义的人生(5)

第21章过有意义的人生(5)

whenmydaughterwassmallilookedforwardtogivingheradvice.infact，isincerelybelievethatshealsoenjoyedit.forthemostimportantthingadadcandoisgethischildreadyforlife.notthatieverthoughtiwasreadybutatleastihavebeenabletosurvivemyyears，sofar.sheusedtositrealclosetomeoronmylapandiwouldexplainthemysteriesoflifetoher.iwouldtellherofmoralsandethicsthatmadelifeasgoodasitcanpossiblybe.yearslater，whenmydaughterhitthewonderfulteenagedyears，shedidn’tacceptmyadviceasshedidinthepast.infact，sheobviouslydreadedit.however，igaveittoheranywaybecauseiwantedhertosurviveherteenagedyears.isurvivedthemsowhyshouldn’tshelistentomeandtakeintheknowledgethatihadfromtheexperiencesofmypast.foryearsshenevercametomeforadvicebuticontinuedtosubmitit.nowthatithinkofit，myfatherdidthesame.

soon，toosoon，sheleftandstartedherownlife.itwasasthoughourseparationnecessitatedthatshewouldonceagainneed，andseekout，myadvice.atfirstthiswasagoodthing，inthatiappreciatedthefactthatshethoughtmywisdomwasworththetime.afterawhileicametotherealizationthatimightnotalwaysberight.istartedtofearmyownanswerstoherquestions.

mydaughterisnottheonlypersoninmylifethatasksforadvice.mywifedoesitinanoddway.iknowsheknowstheanswertoherquestionbutitisalmostasthoughshewantstocombineminewithhers.sometimeswhenigiveheradviceshetakesitinandbasicallymakesherowndecisions.othertimesshegivesmethatoddlookthatasks，“whatplanetwereyoubornon？”eitherwayidomybest.

myparentshavestartedtoaskformyadvice.thiswasverydifficultformetounderstand.mostofmylifemyfatherandmotherweretheonestodirectmeonhowishouldhandlecertainsituations.theyweretheoneswhosurvivedtheiryearssothattheycoulddirectmetowardcorrectdecisions.nowtherolesseemtobereversed.iguessishouldtakeitasacomplimentbecausethisshiftingofrolesmeansthattheyhavefinallycometotherealizationthatiamcapableofmakingcorrectchoices.now，ificouldonlybelievethissamerealizationandfinallyrelaxinmynewrole.

myfolk’squestionsusuallysurroundtheirpreparationforthefinalstagesoftheirlives.ihatethesesituationsbecause，ifiadmitthattheyaregettingold，iamliterallyresigningmyselftothefactthatiamnotfaroff.ianswertheirquestionsasbestasican，prayingthatiamadvisingthemtodotherightthingsbuthowcouldipossiblyknow？unlikegivingadvicetomydaughter，givingadvicetomyparentsinvolvesmeguessingwhattodowithouttheexperienceofgoingthroughwhattheyarepresentlygoingthrough.iguesstheyaskmebecausetheytrustme，likeihavealwaystrustedthem.

iamateacher.infact，iamahighschoolteacherwhoworkswithyoungadultswhoareabouttoembarkoncareersthatincludecollege，themilitary，orwork.everydayiamaskedquestionsconcerninghowtheyshouldorganizefortheirfutures，awayfromalifethatcenteredontheirpublicschool.mostpeopledon’trealizethatgraduatingfromhighschoolisoneofthelast“rightsofpassag”oursocietyhas.thisistruebecausetheseyoungchildrenareleavingatimethathadtakenupover75%oftheiryounglives.

so，iadvicethemastowhatindustrieswillbeimportantwhentheygetoutofcollege；whatmilitaryservicetheyshouldlookinto，inordertoachievewhattheythinktheywanttoachieve.sometimesjusttotelltheseyoungmenandwomenthatlifeisawonderfulthingandthattheyarefortunatetobeinastageoftheirliveswheretheyareabouttobecomeadults.everytimetheyleaveipraythatigavethemgoodadvice.iknowididmybest.

sometimespeopleidon’tknowaskformyadvice.theparentsofmystudentsusuallyaskwhattheyshoulddotomaketheirchild’sfuturebright.sometimestheyaskwhattheyshoulddobecausetheirchilddoesn’tlistenordoesn’tbelievewhattheyaretellingthem.iassumetheyaskmebecausetheybelieveateachershouldknowtheanswers.eitherthatortheylookatmygrayhairandbeardandbelievethatmyagenecessitatesmyabilitytoknow.

thebasicproblemwithwebster’sdefinitionofadviceisthatitdoesn’ttakeintoaccounttheadvisor.doestheadvisorunderstandtheproblemandhavetheabilitytohelpwithadecision？inthepast，didigivemydaughter，parents，students，andstrangersthecorrectadvice？ithinki’llgivemydaughteracallandaskherforsomeadvice！

韦氏字典中“建议”一词的定义如下：“对某种行为提出意见或忠告。”

“我需要些建议”是英语中很令人厌恶的话语之一。之所以这样说，是因为在无任何预兆的情况下，给出建议的人总要面对那些未知的事情。在这方面，我的女儿是专家。最近，我总能预测到她打电话的时间，而且总是在万事如意的情况下电话铃就响起了，就像是我总是向女儿暗示：我已经准备好了！对于这种无法逃避的事，我总是很坦然。“爸爸。”电话总这样开始。其实“爸爸”这个词，并不像它的叫法那么重要。听起来女儿的叫法就像是在问人问题，又不想让别人听到似的。也就是说，她的声音比耳语还要低。我知道，她知道我在听电话，因为电话是她打来的，而且她也听出了我的声音。而“爸爸”这个词好像是我告诉自己最好作好准备的信号。

女儿小的时候，我渴望能给她建议。事实上，她也会很高兴地接受，这一点我深信不疑。让孩子对生活有所准备，是父亲最重要的事情。对此，倒不是我已作好准备，但至少我已在社会上生存这么多年。她过去常常坐在我身旁，或趴在我的膝上，让我给她解释她生活中的困惑。我会给她讲伦理和道德，让生活更有意义。几年后，女儿到了花季年龄，不再像儿时那样接受我的建议了。事实上，看得出来，她对此已有些畏惧。我希望她能平稳地度过花季，所以无论怎样，我还是给了她建议。我非常理解，为何她不接受我的建议和我积累的经验。多年来，她都未曾向我征求过建议，但我还是会给她。现在想想，父亲当年也是这样对我的！

时光如梭，她离开家开始了自己的生活。似乎相隔两处，反而使她再次需要征求我的建议了。首先这很好，从这件事上可以看出，她觉得我的智慧还是能经受住时间考验的。后来，我觉得我有时也犯错。因此，对于她的问题，我开始有些害怕回答了。

在我的一生中，并不只有女儿向我征求意见。妻子总是做事诡秘，她知道如何解决问题，但总是希望我们俩的答案能一致。有时她也接受我的建议，但基本上，还是自己作决定。其他时候，她则神经兮兮地看着我，那种表情似乎在问：“你是哪个星球来的？”不管用哪种方式，我都尽量使她满意。

生命中，很多时候，都是父母教我为人处世的方法，他们依据自己多年的处世经验帮我作出正确的选择。现在，他们反而向我征求建议，这倒让我难以理解了。我们似乎互换了角色。这种角色的互换意味着，他们意识到我已经能正确地作出选择，是在夸我。现在，假如我自己也能意识到这一点，那么我又有了新的角色。