第645章

第645章whenamanseesananimaldying,ahorrorcomesoverhim.whatheishimself—hisessence,visiblybeforehiseyes,perishes—ceasestoexist.butwhenthedyingcreatureisamanandamandearlyloved,then,besidesthehorrorattheextinctionoflife,whatisfeltisarendingofthesoul,aspiritualwound,which,likeaphysicalwound,issometimesmortal,sometimeshealed,butalwaysachesandshrinksfromcontactwiththeouterworld,thatsetsitsmarting.

afterprinceandrey’sdeath,natashaandprincessmaryabothalikefeltthis.crushedinspirit,theyclosedtheireyesunderthemenacingcloudofdeaththathoveredaboutthem,anddarednotlooklifeintheface.carefullytheyguardedtheiropenwoundsfromeveryroughandpainfultouch.everything—thecarriagedrivingalongthestreet,thesummonstodinner,themaidaskingwhichdresstogetout;worsestill—wordsoffaint,feignedsympathy—setthewoundsmarting,seemedaninsulttoit,andjarredonthatneedfulsilenceinwhichbothweretryingtolistentothestern,terriblelitanythathadnotyetdiedawayintheirears,andtogazeintothemysterious,endlessvistasthatseemedforamomenttohavebeenunveiledbeforethem.

onlyalonetogetherweretheysafefromsuchoutrageandpain.theysaidlittletooneanother.whentheydidspeak,itwasaboutthemosttrivialsubjects.andbothequallyavoidedallmentionofanythingconnectedwiththefuture.

toadmitthepossibilityofafutureseemedtothemaninsulttohismemory.stillmorecircumspectlydidtheyavoidintheirtalkallthatcouldbeconnectedwiththedeadman.itseemedtothemthatwhattheyhadfeltandgonethroughcouldnotbeexpressedinwords.itseemedtothemthateveryallusioninwordstothedetailsofhislifewasanoutrageonthegrandeurandholinessofthemysterythathadbeenaccomplishedbeforetheireyes.

theconstantrestraintofspeechandstudiousavoidanceofeverythingthatmightleadtowordsabouthim,thesebarriers,fencingoffonallsideswhatcouldnotbespokenof,broughtwhattheywerefeelingevenmoreclearlyandvividlybeforetheirminds.

butpureandperfectsorrowisasimpossibleaspureandperfectjoy.fromtheisolationofherposition,astheguardianandfoster-motherofhernephew,andindependentmistressofherowndestinies,princessmaryawasthefirsttobecalledbacktolifefromthatworldofmourninginwhichshelivedforthefirstfortnight.shereceivedlettersfromherrelationswhichhadtobeanswered;theroominwhichnikolushkahadbeenputwasdamp,andhehadbeguntocough.alpatitchcametoyaroslavlwithaccounts.hehadestionstomake,andadvisedprincessmaryatomovetomoscowtothehouseinvozdvizhenka,whichwasuninjured,andonlyneededsometriflingrepairs.lifewouldnotstandstill,andshehadtolive.painfulasitwasforprincessmaryatocomeoutofthatworldofsolitarycontemplation,inwhichshehadbeenlivingtillthen,andsorry,and,asitwere,conscience-stricken,asshefeltatleavingnatashaalone,thedutiesofdailylifeclaimedherattention,andagainstherownwillshehadtogiveherselfuptothem.shewentthroughtheaccountswithalpatitch,consulteddessalleaboutherlittlenephew,andbegantomakepreparationsformovingtomoscow.

natashawasleftalone,andfromthetimethatprincessmaryabegantobusyherselfwithpreparationsforherjourney,sheheldalooffromhertoo.

princessmaryaaskedthecountesstoletnatashacometostaywithherinmoscow;andbothmotherandfathereagerlyagreedtoherestion,fortheysawtheirdaughter’sphysicalstrengthfailingeveryday,andtheyhopedthatchangeofsceneandtheadviceofmoscowdoctorsmightdohergood.

“iamnotgoinganywhere,”answerednatasha,whentheestionwasmadetoher;“alliaskis,pleaseletmealone,”shesaid,andsheranoutoftheroom,hardlyabletorestraintearsmoreofvexationandangerthanofsorrow.