第646章

第646章sinceshefeltherselfdesertedbyprincessmarya,andaloneinhergrief,natashahadspentmostofhertimealoneinherroom,huddledupinacornerofhersofa.whileherslender,nervousfingerswerebusytwistingortearingsomething,shekepthereyesfixedinasetstareonthefirstobjectthatmetthem.thissolitudeexhaustedandtorturedher;butitwaswhatsheneeded.assoonasanyonewentintoher,shegotupquickly,changedherattitudeandexpression,andpickedupabookorsomeneedlework,obviouslywaitingwithimpatiencefortheintrudertoleaveher.

itseemedtohercontinuallythatshewasontheveryvergeofunderstanding,ofpenetratingtothemysteryonwhichherspiritualvisionwasfastenedwithaquestiontooterribleforhertobear.

onedaytowardstheendofdecember,natasha,thinandpaleinablackwoollengown,withherhairfastenedupinacarelesscoil,satperchedupinthecornerofhersofa,herfingersnervouslycrumplingandsmoothingouttheendsofhersash,whileshegazedatthecornerofthedoor.

shewasinwardlygazingwhitherhehadgone,tothatfurthershore.andthatshore,ofwhichshehadneverthoughtinolddays,whichhadseemedtohersofaraway,soincredible,wasnowclosertoher,andmoreherown,morecomprehensiblethanthissideoflife,inwhichallwasemptinessanddesolationorsufferingandhumiliation.

shewasgazingintothatworldwheresheknewhewas.butshecouldnotseehim,exceptashehadbeenhereonearth.shewasseeinghimagainashehadbeenatmytishtchy,attroitsa,atyaroslavl.

shewasseeinghisface,hearinghisvoice,andrepeatinghiswords,andwordsofherownthatshehadputintohismouth;andsometimesimaginingfreshphrasesforherselfandhimwhichcouldonlyhavebeenutteredinthepast.

nowshesawhimashehadoncebeen,lyingonalowchairinhisvelvet,fur-linedcloak,hisheadproppedonhisthin,palehand.hischestlookedfearfullyhollow,andhisshouldershigh.hislipswerefirmlyclosed,hiseyesshining,andtherewasalineonhiswhitebrowthatcameandvanishedagain.therewasarapidtremorjustperceptibleinonefoot.natashaknewhewaslingtobearhorriblepain.“whatwasthatpainlike？whywasitthere？whatwashefeeling？howdidithurt？”natashahadwondered.hehadnoticedherattention,raisedhiseyes,and,withoutsmiling,begantospeak.

“onethingwouldbeawful,”hesaid：“tobindoneselfforevertoasufferinginvalid.itwouldbeaneverlastingtorture.”andhehadlookedwithsearchingeyesather.natasha,asshealwaysdid,hadansweredwithoutgivingherselftimetothink;shehadsaid：“itcan’tgoonlikethis,itwon’tbeso,youwillgetwell—quitewell.”

shewasseeinghimnowasthoughitwerethefirsttime,andgoingthroughallshehadfeltatthattime.sherecalledthelong,mournful,sterngazehehadgivenheratthosewords,andsheunderstoodallthereproachandthedespairinthatprolongedgaze.

“iagreed,”natashasaidtoherselfnow,“thatitwouldbeawfulifheweretoremainalwayssuffering.isaidthatthenonlybecauseitwouldbesoawfulforhim,buthedidnotunderstanditso.hethoughtthatitwouldbeawfulforme.thenhestillwantedtolive,andwasafraidofdeath.andisaiditsoclumsily,sostupidly.iwasnotthinkingthat.iwasthinkingsomethingquitedifferent.ifihadsaidwhatiwasthinking,ishouldhavesaid：‘lethimbedying,dyingallthetimebeforemyeyes,andishouldbehappyincomparisonwithwhatiamnow.’now…thereisnothing,noone.didheknowthat？no.hedidnotknow,andneverwillknowit.andnowitcannever,neverbemadeupfor.”

andagainhewassayingthesamewords;butthistimenatashainherimaginationmadehimadifferentanswer.shestoppedhim,andsaid：“awfulforyou,butnotforme.youknowthatihavenothinginlifebutyou,andtosufferwithyouisthegreatesthappinesspossibleforme.”andhetookherhandandpressedit,justashehadpresseditonthatterribleeveningfourdaysbeforehisdeath.andinherimaginationshesaidtohimotherwordsoftendernessandlove,whichshemighthavesaidthen,whichsheonlysaidnow…“ilovethee！…thee…ilove,lovethee…”shesaid,wringingherhandsconvulsively,andsettingherteethwithbitterviolence.

andasweetermoodofsorrowwascomingoverher,andtearswerestartingintohereyes;butallatoncesheaskedherself：“towhomwasshesayingthat？whereishe,andwhatishenow？”

andagaineverythingwasshroudedinchill,crueldoubt,andagain,frowningnervously,shetriedtogazeintothatworldwherehewas.andnow,now,shethought,shewasjustpenetratingthemystery…butatthatinstant,whentheincomprehensible,itseemed,wasbeingunveiledbeforehereyes,aloudrattleatthedoorhandlebrokewithapainfulshockonherhearing.hermaid,dunyasha,rushedquicklyandabruptlyintotheroomwithfrightenedeyes,thattooknoheedofher.

“cometoyourpapa,makehaste,”dunyashasaid,withastrangeexcitedexpression.“amisfortune…pyotrilyitch…aletter,”shegaspedout,sobbing.