第676章

第676章therewasnothinginpierre’ssoulnowlikewhathadpassedwithinhiminsimilarcircumstancesduringthetimeofhisbeingbetrothedtoellen.

hedidnotgoover,ashehadthen,withasickeningsenseofshamethewordshehaduttered;hedidnotsaytohimself：“oh,whydidinotsaythat,andwhy,ohwhy,didisaythen：iloveyou.”now,onthecontrary,everywordofhersandofhisown,hewentoverinhisimaginationwitheverydetailoflookandsmile,andwantedtoaddnothing,totakenothingaway,helongedonlytohearitoveragain.asfordoubts—whetherwhathecontemplateddoingwasrightorwrong—therewasneveratraceofthemnow.onlyoneterribledoubtsometimesassailedhismind.wasitnotalladream？wasnotprincessmaryamistaken？aminottooconceitedandself-confident？ibelieveinit;butallatonce—andit’swhatissuretohappen—princessmaryatellsher;andshesmilesandanswers：“howqueer！hehascertainlymadeamistake.doesn’theknowthatheisaman,amereman,whilei？…iamsomethingaltogetherdifferent,higher.”

thisdoubtaloneoftenbesetpierre.hemadenoplansofanysortnow.thehappinessbeforehimseemedtohimsoincrediblethattheonlythingthatmatteredwastobringittopass,andnothingcouldbebeyond.everythingelsewasover.

ajoyful,unexpectedfrenzy,ofwhichpierrehadbelievedhimselfincapable,seizeduponhim.thewholemeaningoflife,notforhimonly,butforalltheworld,seemedtohimcentredinhisloveandthepossibilityofherlovinghim.sometimesallmenseemedtohimtobeabsorbedinnothingelsethanhisfuturehappiness.itseemedtohimsometimesthattheywereallrejoicingashewashimself,andwereonlytryingtoconcealthatjoy,bypretendingtobeoccupiedwithotherinterests.ineverywordandgesturehesawanallusiontohishappiness.heoftensurprisedpeoplebyhissignificantandblissfullooksandsmiles,thatseemedtoexpresssomesecretunderstandingwiththem.butwhenherealisedthatpeoplecouldnotknowofhishappiness,hepitiedthemfromthebottomofhisheart,andfeltanimpulsetotrytomakethemsomehowunderstandthatallthattheywereinterestedinwasutternonsenseandtriflesnotdeservingofattention.

whenestionsweremadetohimthatheshouldtakeofficeundergovernment,orwhencriticismsofanysortongeneral,politicalquestions,oronthewar,weremadebeforehim,onthesuppositionthatonecourseofeventsoranotherwouldaffectthehappinessofallmen,helistenedwithagentlesmileofcommiseration,andastoundedthepersonsconversingwithhimbyhisstrangeobservations.butboththosepersons,whoseemedtopierretograspthetruesignificanceoflife,thatis,hisfeeling,andthoselucklesswretcheswhoobviouslyhadnonotionofit—allatthisperiodappearedtopierreintheradiantlightofhisownglowingfeeling;sothatonmeetinganyone,hesawinhimwithouttheslightestefforteverythingthatwasgoodanddeservingoflove.

ashelookedthroughhisdeadwife’spapersandbelongings,hehadnofeelingtowardshermemorybutoneofpitythatshehadnotknownthehappinessheknewnow.princevassily,whowasparticularlyhaughtyjustthen,havingreceivedanewpostandastar,struckhimasapatheticandkind-heartedoldman,verymuchtobepitied.

oftenafterwardspierrerecalledthattimeofhappyinsanity.allthejudgmentsheformedofmenandcircumstancesduringthatperiodremainedforevertruetohim.farfromrenouncinglateronthoseviewsofmenandthings,onthecontrary,ininnerdoubtsandcontradictions,heflewbacktotheviewhehadhadduringthattimeofmadness;andthatviewalwaysturnedouttobeatrueone.

“perhaps,”hethought,“ididseemstrangeandabsurdthen;butiwasnotsomadthenasiseemed.onthecontrary,iwasclevererandhadmoreinsightthenthanatanytime,andiunderstoodeverythingworthunderstandinginlife,because…iwashappy.”

pierre’smadnessshoweditselfinhisnotwaiting,asinolddays,forthosepersonalgrounds,whichhehadcalledgoodqualitiesinpeople,inordertolovethem;butaslovewasbrimmingoverinhishearthelovedmenwithoutcause,andsoneverfailedtodiscoverincontestablereasonsthatmadethemworthloving.