第583章

第583章princeandreydidnotonlyknowthathewoulddie,butfeltindeedthathewasdying;thathewasalreadyhalf-dead.heexperiencedasenseofaloofnessfromeverythingearthly,andastrangeandjoyouslightnessinhisbeing.neitherimpatient,nortroubled,helayawaitingwhatwasbeforehim.…themenacing,theeternal,theunknown,andremote,thepresenceofwhichhehadneverceasedtofeelduringthewholecourseofhislife,wasnowclosetohim,and—fromthatstrangelightnessofbeing,thatheexperienced—almostcomprehensibleandpalpable.

inthepasthehaddreadedtheend.twicehehadexperiencedthatterriblyagonisingfeelingofthedreadofdeath,oftheend,andnowhehadceasedtounderstandit.

thefirsttimehehadexperiencedthatfeelingwhenthegrenadewasrotatingbeforehim,andhelookedatthestubble,atthebushes,atthesky,andknewthatdeathwasfacinghim.whenhehadcometohimselfafterhiswound,andinstantly,asthoughsetfreefromthecrampingbondageoflife,therehadsprungupinhissoulthatfloweroflove,eternal,free,notdependentonthislife,hehadnomorefear,andnomorethought,ofdeath.

inthosehoursofsolitarysufferingandhalf-deliriumthathespentafterwards,themorehepassedinthoughtintothatnewelementofeternallove,revealedtohim,thefurtherheunconsciouslytravelledfromearthlylife.toloveeverything,everyone,tosacrificeselfalwaysforlove,meanttolovenoone,meantnottolivethisearthlylife.andthefurtherhepenetratedintothatelementoflove,themoreherenouncedlife,andthemorecompletelyheannihilatedthatfearfulbarrierthatlovesetsupbetweenlifeanddeath.whenever,duringthatfirstperiod,herememberedthathehadtodie,hesaidtohimself：“well,somuchthebetter.”

butafterthatnightatmytishtchy,wheninhishalf-deliriumshe,whomhehadlongedfor,appearedbeforehim,andwhenpressingherhandtohislips,heweptsoft,happytears,loveforonewomanstoleunseenintohisheart,andboundhimagaintolife.andgladanddisturbingthoughtsbegantocomebacktohim.recallingthatmomentattheambulancestation,whenhehadseenkuragin,hecouldnotnowgobacktohisfeelingthen.hewasfrettedbythequestionwhetherhewerealive.andhedarednotask.

hisillnesswentthroughitsregularphysicalcourse;butwhatnatashahadcalled“thischange”hadcomeuponhimtwodaysbeforeprincessmarya’sarrival.itwasthelastmorallebetweenlifeanddeath,inwhichdeathgainedthevictory.itwasthesuddenconsciousnessthatlife,intheshapeofhislovefornatasha,wasstillprecioustohim,andthelastandvanquishedonslaughtofterrorbeforetheunknown.

ithappenedintheevening.hewas,asusuallyafterdinner,inaslightlyfeverishcondition,andhisthoughtswereparticularlyclear.sonyawassittingatthetable.hefellintoadoze.hefeltasuddensenseofhappiness.

“ah,shehascomein！”hethought.

natashahad,infact,justcomeinwithnoiselesssteps,andwassittinginsonya’splace.

eversinceshehadbeenlookingafterhimhehadalwaysfeltthisphysicalsenseofherpresence.shewasinalowchairbesidehim,knittingastocking,andsittingsoastoscreenthelightofthecandlefromhim.shehadlearnedtoknitsinceprinceandreyhadoncesaidtoherthatnoonemadesuchagoodsick-nurseasanoldnursewhoknittedstockings,andthattherewassomethingsoothingaboutknitting.herslenderfingersmovedtheneedlesrapidlywithaslightclick,andthedreamyprofileofherdroopingheadcouldbeclearlyseenbyhim.shemadeaslightmovement;theballrolledoffherknee.shestarted,glancedroundathim,and,screeningthelightwithherhand,bentoverwithacautious,supple,andprecisemovement,pickeduptheball,andsatbackinthesameattitudeasbefore.

hegazedatherwithoutstirring,andsawthatafterhermovementsshewantedtodrawadeepbreath,butdidnotdareto,andbreathedwithcarefulself-restraint.

atthetroitsamonasterytheyhadspokenofthepast,andhehadtoldherthatifheweretoliveheshouldthankgodforeverforhiswound,whichhadbroughtthemtogetheragain;butsincethentheyhadneverspokenofthefuture.

“coulditbe,orcoulditnot？”hewaswonderingnowashewatchedherandlistenedtotheslightsteelclickoftheneedles.“canfatehavebroughtustogethersostrangelyonlyformetodie？…canthetruthoflifehavebeenrevealedtomeonlyformetohavespentmylifeinfalsity？ilovehermorethananythingintheworld！butwhatamitodoifiloveher？”hesaid,andsuddenlyheunconsciouslymoanedfromthehabithehadfallenintointhecourseofhissufferings.

hearingthesound,natashalaiddownherstocking,andbentdownclosertohim,andsuddenlynoticinghisshiningeyes,wentuptohimwithalightstepandstoopeddown.

“youarenotasleep？”

“no;ihavebeenlookingatyouforalongwhile.ifeltwhenyoucamein.noonebutyougivesmethesamesoftpeace…thesamelight.iwanttoweepwithgladness！”

natashamovedclosertohim.herfacebeamedwithrapturousdelight.

“natasha,iloveyoutoomuch！morethaneverythingintheworld！”

“andi？”sheturnedawayforasecond.“whytoomuch？”shesaid.

“whytoomuch？…well,whatdoyouthink,whatdoyoufeelinyourheart,yourwholeheart,amigoingtolive？whatdoyouthink？”

“iamsureofit;sureofit！”natashaalmostcriedout,takingbothhishandswithapassionategesture.

hewassilentforawhile.

“howgooditwouldbe！”andtakingherhand,hekissedit.

natashawashappyanddeeplystirred;andsherecollectedatoncethatthismustnotbe,andthathemusthavequiet.

“butyouarenotasleep,”shesaid,subduingherjoy.“tryandsleep…pleasedo.”