第568章

第568章sonya’slettertonikolay,thathadcomeasananswertohisprayer,waswrittenattroitsa.ithadbeencalledforthinthefollowingway.theideaofmarryingnikolaytoawealthyheiresshadtakenmoreandmorecompletepossessionoftheoldcountess’smind.sheknewthatsonyawasthegreatobstacleinthewayofthis.andsonya’slifehadoflate,andespeciallyaftertheletterinwhichnikolaydescribedhismeetingwithprincessmaryaatbogutcharovo,becomemoreandmoredifficultinthecountess’shouse.thecountessneverletslipanopportunityformakingsomecruelorhumiliatingallusiontosonya.butafewdaysbeforetheysetoutfrommoscowthecountess,distressedandoverwroughtbyallthatwashappening,sentforsonya,andinsteadofinsistenceandupbraiding,besoughtherwithtearsandentreatiestorepayallthathadbeendoneforherbysacrificingherself,andbreakingoffherengagementtonikolay.“ishallhavenopeaceofmindtillyoumakemethispromise,”shesaid.

sonyasobbedhysterically,answeredthroughhersobsthatshewoulddoanything,thatshewasreadyforanything;butshedidnotgiveadirectpromise,andinherheartshecouldnotbringherselftowhatwasdemandedofher.shehadtosacrificeherselfforthehappinessofthefamilythathadbroughtherupandprovidedforher.tosacrificeherselfforotherswassonya’shabit.herpositioninthehousewassuchthatonlybywayofsacrificecouldsheshowhervirtues,andshewasusedtosacrificingherselfandlikedit.butineveryself-sacrificingactionhithertoshehadbeenhappilyconsciousthatbyherveryself-sacrificeshewasheighteninghervalueintheeyesofherselfandothers,andbecomingworthierofnikolay,whomshelovedbeyondeverythinginlife.butnowhersacrificewouldconsistintherenunciationofwhatconstitutedforherthewholerewardofsacrifice,andthewholemeaningoflife.andforthefirsttimeinherlifeshefeltbitternessagainstthepeoplewhohadbefriendedheronlytotormenthermorepoignantly：shefeltenvyofnatasha,whohadneverhadanyexperienceofthekind,whohadneverbeenrequiredtomakesacrifices,andmadeotherpeoplesacrificethemselvesforher,andwasyetlovedbyeveryone.andforthefirsttimesonyafeltthattherewasbeginningtogrowupoutofherquiet,purelovefornikolayapassionatefeeling,whichstoodaboveallprinciples,andvirtue,andreligion.andundertheinfluenceofthatpassion,sonya,whoselifeofdependencehadunconsciouslytrainedhertoreserve,gavethecountessvague,indefiniteanswers,avoidedtalkingwithher,andresolvedtowaitforapersonalinterviewwithnikolay,nottosethimfree,but,onthecontrary,tobindhimtoherforever.

thefussandthehorroroftherostovs’lastdaysinmoscowhadsmotheredthegloomythoughtsthatwereweighingonsonya.shewasgladtofindanescapefromtheminpracticalwork.butwhensheheardofprinceandrey’spresenceintheirhouse,inspiteofallthegenuinecompassionshefeltforhim,andfornatasha,ajoyfulandsuperstitiousfeelingthatitwasgod’swillthatsheshouldnotbepartedfromnikolaytookpossessionofher.sheknewnatashalovednoonebutprinceandrey,andhadneverceasedtolovehim.sheknewthatbroughttogethernow,undersuchterriblecircumstances,theywouldloveoneanotheragain;andthatthen,owingtotherelationshipthatwould（inaccordancewiththelawsoftheorthodoxchurch）existbetweenthem,nikolaycouldnotbemarriedtoprincessmarya.inspiteofalltheawfulnessofwhatwashappeningduringthelastdayortwoinmoscowandthefirstdaysofthejourney,thatfeeling,thatconsciousnessoftheinterventionofprovidenceinherpersonalaffairs,wasasourceofjoytosonya.atthetroitsamonasterytherostovsmadethefirstbreakintheirjourney.