第391章

第391章natashawascalmer,butnohappier.shedidnotmerelyshuneveryexternalformofamusement—balls,skating,concerts,andtheatres—butsheneverevenlaughedwithoutthesoundoftearsbehindherlaughter.shecouldnotsing.assoonasshebegantolaughorattemptedtosingallbyherself,tearschokedher：tearsofremorse;tearsofregretforthattimeofpurehappinessthatcouldneverreturn;tearsofvexationthatsheshouldsowantonlyhaveruinedheryounglife,thatmighthavebeensohappy.laughterandsingingespeciallyseemedtoherlikescoffingathergrief.shenevereventhoughtofdesiringadmiration;shehadnoimpulseofvanitytorestrain.shesaidandfeltatthattimethatallmenwerenomoretoherthannastasyaivanovna,thebuffoon.aninnersentinelseemedtoguardagainsteverysortofpleasure.and,indeed,sheseemedtohavelostalltheoldinterestsofhergirlish,carelesslife,thathadbeensofullofhope.mostoften,andwithmostpining,shebroodedoverthememoryofthoseautumnmonths,thehunting,theolduncle,andthechristmasholidaysspentwithnikolayatotradnoe.whatwouldshenothavegiventobringbackonesingledayofthattime！butitwasalloverforher.herpresentimentatthetimehadnotdeceivedher,thatsuchatimeoffreedomandreadinessforeveryenjoymentwouldnevercomeagain.butyetshehadtolive.

itcomfortedhertothink,notthatshewasbetter,asshehadoncefancied,butworse,farworsethananyone,thananyoneinthewholeworld.butthatmeantlittletoher.shebelievedit;butthensheasked：“andwhatnext？”andtherewasnothingtocome.therewasnogladnessinlife,butlifewaspassing.allnatashatriedafterwasplainlytobenoburdentoothers,andnottohinderotherpeople’senjoyment;butforherselfshewantednothing.sheheldalooffromallthehousehold.itwasonlywithherbrother,petya,thatshefeltatease.shelikedbeingwithhimbetterthanbeingwiththerest,andsometimesevenlaughedwhenshewasalonewithhim.shehardlyleftthehousetogoanywhere;andoftheguestswhocametothehouseshewasonlygladtoseeoneperson—pierre.noonecouldhavebeenmoretender,circumspect,andatthesametimeserious,thancountbezuhovinhismannertoher.natashawasunconsciouslyawareofthistenderness,anditwasowingtoitthatshefoundmorepleasureinhissociety.butshewasnotevengratefultohimforit.nothinggoodinhimseemedtoherduetoaneffortonpierre’spart.itseemedsonaturaltopierretobekindthattherewasnomeritinhiskindness.sometimesnatashanoticedsomeconfusionorawkwardnessinpierreinherpresence,especiallywhenhewastryingtodosomethingforherpleasureorafraidsomethingintheconversationmightesttoherpainfulreminiscences.sheobservedthis,andputitdowntohisgeneralkindlinessandshyness,whichshesupposedwouldbethesamewitheveryoneelse.eversincethoseunforeseenwords—thatifhehadbeenfree,hewouldhaveaskedonhiskneesforherhandandherlove—utteredinamomentfullofviolentemotionforher,pierrehadsaidnothingofhisfeelingstonatasha;anditseemedtoherclearthatthosewords,whichhadsocomfortedher,hadbeenuttered,justasonesaysanymeaninglessnonsensetoconsoleaweepingchild.itwasnotbecausepierrewasamarriedman,butbecausenatashafeltbetweenherselfandhimtheforceofthatmoralbarrier—oftheabsenceofwhichshehadbeensoconsciouswithkuragin—thattheideaneveroccurredtoherthatherrelationswithpierremightdevelopintoloveonherside,andstilllessonhis,orevenintothattender,self-conscious,romanticfriendshipbetweenamanandawoman,ofwhichshehadknownseveralinstances.