第282章

第282章nikolushkaandhiseducation,herbrotherandreyandreligion,wereprincessmarya’sjoysandconsolations.butapartfromthose,sinceeveryonemusthavepersonalhopes,princessmaryacherished,inthedeepestsecrecyofherheart,ahiddendreamandhopethatwasthesourceofthechiefcomfortinherlife.thiscomfortingdreamandhopewasgivenherby“god’sfolk”—thecrazyprophetsandthepilgrims,whovisitedherwithouttheprince’sknowledge.thelongerprincessmaryalived,themoreexperienceandobservationshehadoflife,themoreshewonderedattheshortsightednessofmen,whoseekhereonearthforenjoyment,toil,suffer,striveanddoeachotherharmtoattainthatimpossible,visionary,andsinfulhappiness.princeandreyhadlovedawife;shedied;thatwasnotenoughforhim,hewantedtobindhishappinesstoanotherwoman.herfatherdidnotwantthat,becausehecovetedamoredistinguishedorawealthiermatchforandrey.andtheywereallstriving,andsuffering,andintorment,andsullyingtheirsouls,theireternalsouls,toattainablissthedurationofwhichwasbutamoment.notonlydoweknowthatforourselves.christ,thesonofgod,camedownuponearthandtoldusthatthislifeisbutforamoment,isbutaprobation;yetwestillclingtoitandthinktofindhappinessinit.“howisitnoonehasrealisedthat？”princessmaryawondered.“noonebutthesedespisedpeopleofgodwho,withwalletsovertheirshoulders,cometomebythebackstairs,afraidoftheprincecatchingsightofthem,andnotfromfearofill-usage,butfromfearoftemptinghimtosin.toleavehomeandcountry,giveupallthoughtsofworldlyblessings,andclingingtonothing,towanderfromplacetoplaceinahome-spunsmockunderadifferentname,doingpeoplenoharm,butprayingforthem,prayingequallyforthosewhodrivethemawayandthosewhoourthem：higherthanthattruthandthatlifethereisnotruthandnolife！”

therewasonepilgrim-woman,fedosyushka,aquiet,littlewomanofaboutfifty,markedbysmallpox,whohadbeenwanderingforoverthirtyyearsbarefootedandwearingchains.princessmaryawasparticularlyfondofher.onedaywhensittinginadarkroom,bythelightonlyofthelampbeforetheholypicture,fedosyushkatoldheraboutherlife.princessmaryafeltallatoncesostronglythatfedosyushkawastheonepersonwhohadfoundtherightwayoflife,thatsheresolvedtogoonapilgrimageherself.whenfedosyushkahadgonetobedprincessmaryaponderedalongwhileoverit,andatlastmadeuphermindthat—howeverstrangeitmightbe—shemustgoonapilgrimage.sheconfidedherintentiontonoonebutamonk,fatherakinfy,andthispriestapprovedofherproject.onthepretenceofgettingpresentsforpilgrimwomen,princessmaryahadpreparedforherselfthecompleteoutfitofapilgrim—asmock,plaitedshoes,afull-skirtedcoat,andablackkerchief.oftenshewenttohersecretwardrobe,whereshekeptthem,andstoodinuncertaintywhetherthetimetocarryoutherplanhadcomeornot.

oftenasshelistenedtothepilgrims’tales,theirsimplephrases—thathadbecomemechanicaltothem,butweretoherearsfullofthedeepestsignificance—workeduponhertillshewasseveraltimesreadytothrowupeverythingandrunawayfromhome.inimaginationshealreadysawherselfwithfedosyushkainacoarsesmock,trudgingalongthedustyroadwithherwalletandherstaff,goingonherpilgrimage,freefromenvy,freefromearthlylove,freefromalldesires,fromonesainttoanother;andatlastthitherwherethereisneithersorrownorsighing,buteverlastingjoyandblessedness.

“ishallcometooneplace.ishallpraythere,andbeforeihavetimetogrowusedtoit,toloveit,ishallgoonfurther.andishallgoontillmylegsgivewayundermeandiliedownanddiesomewhere,andreachatlastthatquiet,eternalhaven,whereisneithersorrownorsighing！…”thoughtprincessmarya.

butthenatthesightofherfather,andstillmoreoflittlenikolushka,shewaveredinherresolution,weptinsecret,andfeltthatshewasasinner,thatshelovedherfatherandhernephewmorethangod.