第304章

第304章“doesithappentoyou,”saidnatashatoherbrother,whentheyweresettledinthedivan-room,“tofeelthatnothingwilleverhappen—nothing;thatallthatisgoodispast？andit’snotexactlyaboredfeeling,butmelancholy？”

“ishouldthinkso！”saidhe.“ithassometimeshappenedtomethatwheneverything’sallright,andeveryone’scheerful,itsuddenlystrikesonethatone’ssickofitall,andallmustdie.onceintheregimentwhenididnotgotosomemerrymaking,andtherethemusicwasplaying…andifeltallatoncesodreary…”

“oh,iknowthatfeeling;iknowit,iknowit,”natashaassented;“evenwheniwasquitelittle,iusedtohavethatfeeling.doyouremember,onceiwaspunishedforeatingsomeplums,andyouwerealldancing,andisatintheschoolroomsobbing.ishallneverforgetit;ifeltsadandsorryforeveryone,sorryformyself,andforevery—everyone.andwhatwasthechiefpoint,iwasn’ttoblame,”saidnatasha;“doyouremember？”

“iremember,”saidnikolay.“irememberthaticametoyouafterwards,andilongedtocomfortyou,butyouknow,ifeltashamedto.awfullyfunnyweusedtobe.ihadawoodendollthen,andiwantedtogiveityou.doyouremember？”

“anddoyouremember,”saidnatasha,withapensivesmile,“howlong,longago,whenwewerequitelittle,unclecalledusintothestudyintheoldhouse,anditwasdark;wewentin,andallatoncetherestood…”

“anegro,”nikolayfinishedhersentencewithasmileofdelight;“ofcourse,iremember.tothisdayidon’tknowwhethertherereallywasanegro,orwhetherwedreamedit,orweretoldaboutit.”

“hewasgrey-headed,doyouremember,andhadwhiteteeth;hestoodandlookedatus…”

“doyouremember,sonya？”askednikolay.

“yes,yes,idoremembersomethingtoo,”sonyaansweredtimidly.

“youknowihaveoftenaskedbothpapaandmammaaboutthatnegro,”saidnatasha.“theysaythereneverwasanegroatall.butyourememberhim！”

“ofcourse,ido.irememberhisteeth,asifitwereto-day.”

“howstrangeitis,asthoughitwereadream.ilikethat.”

“anddoyourememberhowwewererollingeggsinthebighall,andallofasuddentwooldwomencamein,andbeganwhirlingroundonthecarpet.didthathappenornot？doyourememberwhatfunitwas？”

“yes.anddoyourememberhowpapa,inabluecoat,firedagunoffonthesteps？”

smilingwithenjoyment,theywentthroughtheirreminiscences;notthemelancholymemoriesofoldage,buttheromanticmemoriesofyouth,thoseimpressionsoftheremotestpastinwhichdreamlandmeltsintoreality.theylaughedwithquietpleasure.

sonyawas,asalways,leftbehindbythem,thoughtheirpasthadbeenspenttogether.

sonyadidnotremembermuchofwhattheyrecalled,andwhatshedidremember,didnotrousethesameromanticfeelinginher.shewassimplyenjoyingtheirpleasure,andtryingtoshareit.

shecouldonlyenterintoitfullywhentheyrecalledsonya’sfirstarrival.sonyadescribedhowshehadbeenafraidofnikolay,becausehehadcordingonhisjacket,andthenursehadtoldherthattheywouldtieherupincordingtoo.

“andiremember,iwastoldyouwerefoundunderacabbage,”saidnatasha;“andirememberididn’tdaretodisbelieveitthen,thoughiknewitwasuntrue,andifeltsouncomfortable.”

duringthisconversationamaidpoppedherheadinatadoorleadingintothedivan-room.

“miss,they’vebroughtyouacock,”shesaidinawhisper.

“idon’twantit,polya;tellthemtotakeitaway,”saidnatasha.

inthemiddleoftheirtalkinthedivan-room,dimmlercameintotheroom,andwentuptotheharpthatstoodinthecorner.hetookoffthecloth-case,andtheharpgaveajarringsound.“edwardkarlitch,do,please,playmyfavouritenocturneofm.field,”saidthevoiceoftheoldcountessfromthedrawing-room.

dimmlerstruckachord,andturningtonatasha,nikolay,andsonya,hesaid,“howquietyouyoungpeopleare！”

“yes,we’retalkingphilosophy,”saidnatasha,lookingroundforaminuteandgoingonwiththeconversation.theyweretalkingnowaboutdreams.

dimmlerbegantoplay.natashawentnoiselesslyontiptoetothetable,tookthecandle,carrieditaway,andgoingback,satquietlyinherplace.itwasdarkintheroom,especiallywheretheyweresittingonthesofa,butthesilverlightofthefullmoonshoneinatthebigwindowsandlayonthefloor.

“doyouknow,ithink,”saidnatasha,inawhisper,movinguptonikolayandsonya,whendimmlerhadfinished,andstillsat,faintlytwangingthestrings,inevidentuncertaintywhethertoleaveoffplayingorbeginsomethingnew,“thatonegoesonremembering,andremembering;onerememberstillonerecallswhathappenedbeforeonewasinthisworld.…”

“that’smetempsychosis,”saidsonya,whohadbeengoodatlessons,andrememberedallshehadlearned.“theegyptiansusedtobelievethatoursoulshadbeeninanimals,andwouldgointoanimalsagain.”

“no,doyouknow,idon’tbelievethatwewereonceinanimals,”saidnatasha,stillinthesamewhisper,thoughthemusicwasover;“butiknowforcertainthatwewereonceangelssomewherebeyond,andwehavebeenhere,andthat’swhyweremembereverything.…”

“mayijoinyou？”saiddimmler,comingupquietly,andhesatdownbythem.

“ifwehadbeenangels,whyshouldwehavefallenlower？”saidnikolay.“no,thatcan’tbe！”

“notlower…whotoldyouwewerelower？…thisishowiknowihaveexistedbefore,”natashareplied,withconviction：“thesoulisimmortal,youknow…so,ifiamtoliveforever,ihavelivedbeforetoo,ihavelivedforalleternity.”

“yes,butit’shardforustoconceiveofeternity,”saiddimmler,whohadjoinedtheyoungpeople,withamildlycondescendingsmile,butnowtalkedasquietlyandseriouslyastheydid.

“whyisithardtoconceiveofeternity？”saidnatasha.“therewillbeto-day,andtherewillbeto-morrow,andtherewillbeforever,andyesterdayhasbeen,andthedaybefore.…”