第174章

第174章pierrehadoflaterarelyseenhiswifealone.bothatpetersburgandatmoscowtheirhousehadbeenconstantlyfullofguests.onthenightfollowingtheduelhedidnotgotohisbedroom,butspentthenight,asheoftendid,inhishugestudy,formerlyhisfather’sroom,theveryroomindeedinwhichcountbezuhovhaddied.

helaydownonthecouchandtriedtogotosleep,soastoforgetallthathadhappenedtohim,buthecouldnotdoso.suchatempestoffeelings,thoughts,andreminiscencessuddenlyaroseinhissoul,that,farfromgoingtosleep,hecouldnotevensitstillinoneplace,andwasforcedtoleapupfromthecouchandpacewithrapidstepsabouttheroom.atonemomenthehadavisionofhiswife,asshewasinthefirstdaysaftertheirmarriage,withherbareshoulders,andlanguid,passionateeyes;andthenimmediatelybyhersidehesawthehandsome,impudent,hard,andironicalfaceofdolohov,ashehadseenitatthebanquet,andagainthesamefaceofdolohov,pale,quivering,inagony,asithadbeenwhenheturnedandsankinthesnow.

“whathashappened？”heaskedhimself;“ihavekilledherlover;yes,killedtheloverofmywife.yes,thathashappened.whywasit？howhaveicometothis？”“becauseyoumarriedher,”answeredaninnervoice.

“buthowamitoblame？”heasked.“formarryingwithoutlovingher,fordeceivingyourselfandher.”andvividlyherecalledthatminuteaftersupperatprincevassily’swhenhehadsaidthosewordshefoundsodifficulttoutter：“iloveyou.”“ithasallcomefromthat.eventhenifeltit,”hethought;“ifeltatthetimethatitwasn’ttherightthing,thatihadnorighttodoit.andsoithasturnedout.”herecalledthehoneymoon,andblushedattherecollectionofit.particularlyvivid,humiliating,andshamefulwasthememoryofhowonedaysoonafterhismarriagehehadcomeinhissilkdressing-gownoutofhisbedroomintohisstudyattwelveo’clockintheday,andinhisstudyhadfoundhisheadsteward,whohadboweddeferentially,andlookingatpierre’sfaceandhisdressing-gown,hadfaintlysmiled,asthoughtoexpressbythatsmilehisrespectfulsympathywithhispatron’shappiness.“andhowoftenihavebeenproudofher,proudofhermajesticbeauty,hersocialtact,”hethought;“proudofmyhouse,inwhichshereceivedallpetersburg,proudofherunapproachabilityandbeauty.sothiswaswhatipridedmyselfon.iusedtothinkthenthatididnotunderstandher.howoften,reflectingonhercharacter,ihavetoldmyselfthatiwastoblame,thatididnotunderstandher,didnotunderstandthateverlastingcomposureandcomplacency,andtheabsenceofallpreferencesanddesires,andthesolutionofthewholeriddlelayinthatfearfulword,thatsheisadissolutewoman;ihavefoundthatfearfulword,andallhasbecomeclear.

“anatoleusedtocometoborrowmoneyofher,andusedtokissheronherbareshoulders.shedidn’tgivehimmoney;butsheletherselfbekissed.herfatherusedtotryinjoketorouseherjealousy;withaserenesmilesheusedtosayshewasnotfoolenoughtobejealous.lethimdoashelikes,sheusedtosayaboutme.iaskedheronceifshefeltnosymptomsofpregnancy.shelaughedcontemptuously,andsaidshewasnotsuchafoolastowantchildren,andthatshewouldneverhaveachildbyme.”

thenhethoughtofthecoarseness,thebluntnessofherideas,andthevulgarityoftheexpressionsthatwerecharacteristicofher,althoughshehadbeenbroughtupinthehighestaristocraticcircles.“notquitesuchafool…youjusttryiton…youclearoutofthis,”shewouldsay.often,watchingthefavourableimpressionshemadeonyoungandold,onmenandwomen,pierrecouldnotunderstandwhyitwashedidnotloveher.“yes;ineverlovedher,”pierresaidtohimself;“iknewshewasadissolutewoman,”herepeatedtohimself;“butididnotdareownittomyself.

“andnowdolohov：therehesitsinthesnowandforceshimselftosmile;anddieswithmaybesomeeringaffectationonhislipsinanswertomyremorse.”

pierrewasoneofthosepeoplewhoinspiteofexternalweaknessofcharacter—so-called—donotseekaconfidantfortheirsorrows.heworkedthroughhistroublealone.

“she,shealoneistoblameforeverything,”hesaidtohimself;“butwhatofit？whydidibindmyselftoher;whydidisaytoherthat‘iloveyou,’whichwasalie,andworsethanalie,”hesaidtohimself;“iamtoblame,andoughttobear…what？thedisgracetomyname,themiseryofmylife？oh,that’sallrubbish,”hethought,“disgracetoone’snameandhonour,allthat’srelative,allthat’sapartfrommyself.