第15章

第15章“iamgladyouarenorelationofmine:iwillnevercallyouauntagainaslongasilive.iwillnevercometoseeyouwheniamgrownup;andifanyoneasksmehowilikedyou,andhowyoutreatedme,iwillsaytheverythoughtofyoumakesmesick,andthatyoutreatedmewithmiserablecruelty.”

“howdareyouaffirmthat,janeeyre?”

“howdarei,mrs.reed?howdarei?becauseitisthetruth.youthinkihavenofeelings,andthaticandowithoutonebitofloveorkindness;buticannotliveso:andyouhavenopity.ishallrememberhowyouthrustmeback—roughlyandviolentlythrustmeback—intothered-room,andlockedmeupthere,tomydyingday;thoughiwasinagony;thoughicriedout,whilesuffocatingwithdistress,‘havemercy!havemercy,auntreed!’andthatpunishmentyoumademesufferbecauseyourwickedboystruckme—knockedmedownfornothing.iwilltellanybodywhoasksmequestions,thisexacttale.peoplethinkyouagoodwoman,butyouarebad,hard-hearted.youaredeceitful!”

ereihadfinishedthisreply,mysoulbegantoexpand,toexult,withthestrangestsenseoffreedom,oftriumph,ieverfelt.itseemedasifaninvisiblebondhadburst,andthatihadledoutintounhoped-forliberty.notwithoutcausewasthissentiment:mrs.reedlookedfrightened;herworkhadslippedfromherknee;shewasliftingupherhands,rockingherselftoandfro,andeventwistingherfaceasifshewouldcry.

“jane,youareunderamistake:whatisthematterwithyou?whydoyoutremblesoviolently?wouldyouliketodrinksomewater?”

“no,mrs.reed.”

“isthereanythingelseyouwishfor,jane?iassureyou,idesiretobeyourfriend.”

“notyou.youtoldmr.brocklehurstihadabadcharacter,adeceitfuldisposition;andi’llleteverybodyatlowoodknowwhatyouare,andwhatyouhavedone.”

“jane,youdon’tunderstandthesethings:childrenmustbecorrectedfortheirfaults.”

“deceitisnotmyfault!”icriedoutinasavage,highvoice.

“butyouarepassionate,jane,thatyoumustallow:andnowreturntothenursery—there’sadear—andliedownalittle.”

“iamnotyourdear;icannotliedown:sendmetoschoolsoon,mrs.reed,forihatetolivehere.”

“iwillindeedsendhertoschoolsoon,”murmuredmrs.reedsottovoce;andgatheringupherwork,sheabruptlyquittedtheapartment.

iwaslefttherealone—winnerofthefield.itwasthehardestbattleihadfought,andthefirstvictoryihadgained:istoodawhileontherug,wheremr.brocklehursthadstood,andienjoyedmyconqueror’ssolitude.first,ismiledtomyselfandfeltelate;butthisfiercepleasuresubsidedinmeasfastasdidtheacceleratedthrobofmypulses.achildcannotquarrelwithitselders,asihaddone;cannotgiveitsfuriousfeelingsuncontrolledplay,asihadgivenmine,withoutexperiencingafterwardsthepangofremorseandthechillofreaction.aridgeoflightedheath,alive,glancing,devouring,wouldhavebeenameetemblemofmymindwheniaccusedandmenacedmrs.reed:thesameridge,blackandblastedaftertheflamesaredead,wouldhaverepresentedasmeetlymysubsequentcondition,whenhalf-an-hour’ssilenceandreflectionhadshownmethemadnessofmyconduct,andthedrearinessofmyhatedandhatingposition.

somethingofvengeanceihadtastedforthefirsttime;asaromaticwineitseemed,onswallowing,warmandracy:itsafter-flavour,metallicandcorroding,gavemeasensationasifihadbeenpoisoned.willinglywouldinowhavegoneandaskedmrs.reed’spardon;butiknew,partlyfromexperienceandpartlyfrominstinct,thatwasthewaytomakeherrepulsemewithdoublescorn,therebyre-excitingeveryturbulentimpulseofmynature.