第86章

第86章“iseenoenemytoafortunateissuebutinthebrow;andthatbrowprofessestosay,—‘icanlivealone,ifself-respect,andcircumstancesrequiremesotodo.ineednotsellmysoultobuybliss.ihaveaninwardtreasurebornwithme,whichcankeepmealiveifallextraneousdelightsshouldbewithheld,orofferedonlyatapriceicannotaffordtogive.’theforeheaddeclares,‘reasonsitsfirmandholdsthereins,andshewillnotletthefeelingsburstawayandhurryhertowildchasms.thepassionsmayragefuriously,liketrueheathens,astheyare;andthedesiresmayimagineallsortsofvainthings:butjudgmentshallstillhavethelastwordineveryargument,andthecastingvoteineverydecision.strongwind,earthquake-shock,andfiremaypassby:butishallfollowtheguidingofthatstillsmallvoicewhichinterpretsthedictatesofconscience.’

“wellsaid,forehead;yourdeclarationshallberespected.ihaveformedmyplans—rightplansideemthem—andinthemihaveattendedtotheclaimsofconscience,thecounselsofreason.iknowhowsoonyouthwouldfadeandbloomperish,if,inthecupofblissoffered,butonedregofshame,oroneflavourofremorseweredetected;andidonotwantsacrifice,sorrow,dissolution—suchisnotmytaste.iwishtofoster,nottoblight—toearngratitude,nottowringtearsofblood—no,norofbrine:myharvestmustbeinsmiles,inendearments,insweet—thatwilldo.ithinkiraveinakindofexquisitedelirium.ishouldwishnowtoprotractthismomentadinfinitum;butidarenot.sofarihavegovernedmyselfthoroughly.ihaveactedasiinwardlysworeiwouldact;butfurthermighttrymebeyondmystrength.rise,misseyre:leaveme;theplayisplayedout’.”

wherewasi?didiwakeorsleep?hadibeendreaming?dididreamstill?theoldwoman’svoicehadchanged:heraccent,hergesture,andallwerefamiliartomeasmyownfaceinaglass—asthespeechofmyowntongue.igotup,butdidnotgo.ilooked;istirredthefire,andilookedagain:butshedrewherbonnetandherbandagecloseraboutherface,andagainbeckonedmetodepart.theflameilluminatedherhandstretchedout:rousednow,andonthealertfordiscoveries,iatoncenoticedthathand.itwasnomorethewitheredlimbofeldthanmyown;itwasaroundedsupplemember,withsmoothfingers,symmetricallyturned;abroadringflashedonthelittlefinger,andstoopingforward,ilookedatit,andsawagemihadseenahundredtimesbefore.againilookedattheface;whichwasnolongerturnedfromme—onthecontrary,thebonnetwasdoffed,thebandagedisplaced,theheadadvanced.

“well,jane,doyouknowme?”askedthefamiliarvoice.

“onlytakeofftheredcloak,sir,andthen—”

“butthestringisinaknot—helpme.”

“breakit,sir.”

“there,then—‘off,yelendings!’”andmr.rochestersteppedoutofhisdisguise.

“now,sir,whatastrangeidea!”

“butwellcarriedout,eh?don’tyouthinkso?”

“withtheladiesyoumusthavemanagedwell.”

“butnotwithyou?”

“youdidnotactthecharacterofagipsywithme.”

“whatcharacterdidiact?myown?”

“no;someountableone.inshort,ibelieveyouhavebeentryingtodrawmeout—orin;youhavebeentalkingnonsensetomakemetalknonsense.itisscarcelyfair,sir.”

“doyouforgiveme,jane?”

“icannottelltillihavethoughtitallover.if,onreflection,ifindihavefallenintonogreatabsurdity,ishalltrytoforgiveyou;butitwasnotright.”

“oh,youhavebeenverycorrect—verycareful,verysensible.”

ireflected,andthought,onthewhole,ihad.itwasacomfort;but,indeed,ihadbeenonmyguardalmostfromthebeginningoftheinterview.somethingofmasqueradeisuspected.iknewgipsiesandfortune-tellersdidnotexpressthemselvesasthisseemingoldwomanhadexpressedherself;besidesihadnotedherfeignedvoice,heranxietytoconcealherfeatures.butmymindhadbeenrunningongracepoole—thatlivingenigma,thatmysteryofmysteries,asiconsideredher.ihadneverthoughtofmr.rochester.

“well,”saidhe,“whatareyoumusingabout?whatdoesthatgravesmilesignify?”

“wonderandself-congratulation,sir.ihaveyourpermissiontoretirenow,isuppose?”

“no;stayamoment;andtellmewhatthepeopleinthedrawing-roomyonderaredoing.”