第80章

第80章ifshehadmanagedthevictoryatonce,andhehadyieldedandsincerelylaidhisheartatherfeet,ishouldhavecoveredmyface,turnedtothewall,and(figuratively)havediedtothem.ifmissingramhadbeenagoodandnoblewoman,endowedwithforce,fervour,kindness,sense,ishouldhavehadonevitallewithtwotigers—jealousyanddespair:then,myhearttornoutanddevoured,ishouldhaveadmiredher—acknowledgedherexcellence,andbeenquietfortherestofmydays:andthemoreabsolutehersuperiority,thedeeperwouldhavebeenmyadmiration—themoretrulytranquilmyquiescence.butasmattersreallystood,towatchmissingram’seffortsatfascinatingmr.rochester,towitnesstheirrepeatedfailure—herselfunconsciousthattheydidfail;vainlyfancyingthateachshaftlaunchedhitthemark,andinfatuatedlyplumingherselfoness,whenherprideandself-complacencyrepelledfurtherandfurtherwhatshewishedtoallure—towitnessthis,wastobeatonceunderceaselessexcitationandruthlessrestraint.

because,whenshefailed,isawhowshemighthaveeeded.arrowsthatcontinuallyglancedofffrommr.rochester’sbreastandfellharmlessathisfeet,might,iknew,ifshotbyasurerhand,havequiveredkeeninhisproudheart—havecalledloveintohissterneye,andsoftnessintohissardonicface;or,betterstill,withoutweaponsasilentconquestmighthavebeenwon.

“whycanshenotinfluencehimmore,whensheisprivilegedtodrawsoneartohim?”iaskedmyself.“surelyshecannottrulylikehim,ornotlikehimwithtrueaffection!ifshedid,sheneednotcoinhersmilessolavishly,flashherglancessounremittingly,manufactureairssoelaborate,gracessomultitudinous.itseemstomethatshemight,bymerelysittingquietlyathisside,sayinglittleandlookingless,getnigherhisheart.ihaveseeninhisfaceafardifferentexpressionfromthatwhichhardensitnowwhilesheissovivaciouslyaccostinghim;butthenitcameofitself:itwasnotelicitedbymeretriciousartsandcalculatedmanoeuvres;andonehadbuttoacceptit—toanswerwhatheaskedwithoutpretension,toaddresshimwhenneedfulwithoutgrimace—anditincreasedandgrewkinderandmoregenial,andwarmedonelikeafosteringsunbeam.howwillshemanagetopleasehimwhentheyaremarried?idonotthinkshewillmanageit;andyetitmightbemanaged;andhiswifemight,iverilybelieve,betheveryhappiestwomanthesunshineson.”

ihavenotyetsaidanythingcondemnatoryofmr.rochester’sprojectofmarryingforinterestandconnections.itsurprisedmewhenifirstdiscoveredthatsuchwashisintention:ihadthoughthimamanunlikelytobeinfluencedbymotivessocommonplaceinhischoiceofawife;butthelongericonsideredtheposition,education,&c.,oftheparties,thelessifeltjustifiedinjudgingandblamingeitherhimormissingramforactinginconformitytoideasandprinciplesinstilledintothem,doubtless,fromtheirchildhood.alltheirclassheldtheseprinciples:isupposed,then,theyhadreasonsforholdingthemsuchasicouldnotfathom.itseemedtomethat,wereiagentlemanlikehim,iwouldtaketomybosomonlysuchawifeasicouldlove;buttheveryobviousnessoftheadvantagestothehusband’sownhappinessofferedbythisplanconvincedmethattheremustbeargumentsagainstitsgeneraladoptionofwhichiwasquiteignorant:otherwiseifeltsurealltheworldwouldactasiwishedtoact.

butinotherpoints,aswellasthis,iwasgrowingverylenienttomymaster:iwasforgettingallhisfaults,forwhichihadoncekeptasharplook-out.ithadformerlybeenmyendeavourtostudyallsidesofhischaracter:totakethebadwiththegood;andfromthejustweighingofboth,toformanequitablejudgment.nowisawnobad.thesarcasmthathadrepelled,theharshnessthathadstartledmeonce,wereonlylikekeencondimentsinachoicedish:theirpresencewaspungent,buttheirabsencewouldbefeltascomparativelyinsipid.andasforthevaguesomething—wasitasinisterorasorrowful,adesigningoradespondingexpression?—thatopeneduponacarefulobserver,nowandthen,inhiseye,andclosedagainbeforeonecouldfathomthestrangedepthpartiallydisclosed;thatsomethingwhichusedtomakemefearandshrink,asifihadbeenwanderingamongstvolcanic-lookinghills,andhadsuddenlyfeltthegroundquiverandseenitgape:thatsomething,i,atintervals,beheldstill;andwiththrobbingheart,butnotwithpalsiednerves.insteadofwishingtoshun,ilongedonlytodare—todivineit;andithoughtmissingramhappy,becauseonedayshemightlookintotheabyssatherleisure,exploreitssecretsandanalysetheirnature.