第190章

第190章hepursuedhisownthoughtswithoutheedingme.

“jane!youthinkme,idaresay,anirreligiousdog:butmyheartswellswithgratitudetothebeneficentgodofthisearthjustnow.heseesnotasmansees,butfarclearer:judgesnotasmanjudges,butfarmorewisely.ididwrong:iwouldhavesulliedmyinnocentflower—breathedguiltonitspurity:theomnipotentsnatcheditfromme.i,inmystiff-neckedrebellion,almostcursedthedispensation:insteadofbendingtothedecree,idefiedit.divinejusticepursueditscourse;disasterscamethickonme:iwasforcedtopassthroughthevalleyoftheshadowofdeath.hischastisementsaremighty;andonesmotemewhichhashumbledmeforever.youknowiwasproudofmystrength:butwhatisitnow,whenimustgiveitovertoforeignguidance,asachilddoesitsweakness?oflate,jane—only—onlyoflate—ibegantoseeandacknowledgethehandofgodinmydoom.ibegantoexperienceremorse,repentance;thewishforreconcilementtomymaker.ibegansometimestopray:verybriefprayerstheywere,butverysincere.

“somedayssince:nay,icannumberthem—four;itwaslastmondaynight,asingularmoodcameoverme:oneinwhichgriefreplacedfrenzy—sorrow,sullenness.ihadlonghadtheimpressionthatsinceicouldnowherefindyou,youmustbedead.latethatnight—perhapsitmightbebetweenelevenandtwelveo’clock—ereiretiredtomydrearyrest,isupplicatedgod,that,ifitseemedgoodtohim,imightsoonbetakenfromthislife,andadmittedtothatworldtocome,wheretherewasstillhopeofrejoiningjane.

“iwasinmyownroom,andsittingbythewindow,whichwasopen:itsoothedmetofeelthebalmynight-air;thoughicouldseenostarsandonlybyavague,luminoushaze,knewthepresenceofamoon.ilongedforthee,janet!oh,ilongedfortheebothwithsoulandflesh!iaskedofgod,atonceinanguishandhumility,ifihadnotbeenlongenoughdesolate,afflicted,tormented;andmightnotsoontasteblissandpeaceoncemore.thatimeritedalliendured,iacknowledged—thaticouldscarcelyenduremore,ipleaded;andthealphaandomegaofmyheart’swishesbrokeinvoluntarilyfrommylipsinthewords—‘jane!jane!jane!’”

“didyouspeakthesewordsaloud?”

“idid,jane.ifanylistenerhadheardme,hewouldhavethoughtmemad:ipronouncedthemwithsuchfranticenergy.”

“anditwaslastmondaynight,somewherenearmidnight?”

“yes;butthetimeisofnoconsequence:whatfollowedisthestrangepoint.youwillthinkmesuperstitious,—somesuperstitionihaveinmyblood,andalwayshad:nevertheless,thisistrue—trueatleastitisthatiheardwhatinowrelate.

“asiexclaimed‘jane!jane!jane!’avoice—icannottellwhencethevoicecame,butiknowwhosevoiceitwas—replied,‘iamcoming:waitforme;’andamomentafter,wentwhisperingonthewindthewords—‘whereareyou?’

“i’lltellyou,ifican,theidea,thepicturethesewordsopenedtomymind:yetitisdifficulttoexpresswhatiwanttoexpress.ferndeanisburied,asyousee,inaheavywood,wheresoundfallsdull,anddiesunreverberating.‘whereareyou?’seemedspokenamongstmountains;foriheardahill-sentechorepeatthewords.coolerandfresheratthemomentthegaleseemedtovisitmybrow:icouldhavedeemedthatinsomewild,lonescene,iandjaneweremeeting.inspirit,ibelievewemusthavemet.younodoubtwere,atthathour,inunconscioussleep,jane:perhapsyoursoulwanderedfromitscelltocomfortmine;forthosewereyouraccents—ascertainasilive—theywereyours!”

reader,itwasonmondaynight—nearmidnight—thatitoohadreceivedthemysterioussummons:thoseweretheverywordsbywhichirepliedtoit.ilistenedtomr.rochester’snarrative,butmadenodisclosureinreturn.thecoincidencestruckmeastooawfulandinexplicabletobecommunicatedordiscussed.ifitoldanything,mytalewouldbesuchasmustnecessarilymakeaprofoundimpressiononthemindofmyhearer:andthatmind,yetfromitssufferingstoopronetogloom,needednotthedeepershadeofthesupernatural.ikeptthesethingsthen,andponderedtheminmyheart.

“youcannotnowwonder,”continuedmymaster,“thatwhenyouroseuponmesounexpectedlylastnight,ihaddifficultyinbelievingyouanyotherthanamerevoiceandvision,somethingthatwouldmelttosilenceandannihilation,asthemidnightwhisperandmountainechohadmeltedbefore.now,ithankgod!iknowittobeotherwise.yes,ithankgod!”

heputmeoffhisknee,rose,andreverentlyliftinghishatfromhisbrow,andbendinghissightlesseyestotheearth,hestoodinmutedevotion.onlythelastwordsoftheworshipwereaudible.

“ithankmymaker,that,inthemidstofjudgment,hehasrememberedmercy.ihumblyentreatmyredeemertogivemestrengthtoleadhenceforthapurerlifethanihavedonehitherto!”

thenhestretchedhishandouttobeled.itookthatdearhand,helditamomenttomylips,thenletitpassroundmyshoulder:beingsomuchlowerofstaturethanhe,iservedbothforhispropandguide.weenteredthewood,andwendedhomeward.