第179章

第179章“thankyou,jane.asisaid,ishallreturnfromcambridgeinafortnight:thatspace,then,isyetleftyouforreflection.ifilistenedtohumanpride,ishouldsaynomoretoyouofmarriagewithme;butilistentomyduty,andkeepsteadilyinviewmyfirstaim—todoallthingstothegloryofgod.mymasterwaslong-suffering:sowillibe.icannotgiveyouuptoperditionasavesselofwrath:repent—resolve,whilethereisyettime.remember,wearebidtoworkwhileitisday—warnedthat‘thenightcomethwhennomanshallwork.’rememberthefateofdives,whohadhisgoodthingsinthislife.godgiveyoustrengthtochoosethatbetterpartwhichshallnotbetakenfromyou!”

helaidhishandonmyheadasheutteredthelastwords.hehadspokenearnestly,mildly:hislookwasnot,indeed,thatofaloverbeholdinghismistress,butitwasthatofapastorrecallinghiswanderingsheep—orbetter,ofaguardianangelwatchingthesoulforwhichheisresponsible.allmenoftalent,whethertheybemenoffeelingornot;whethertheybezealots,oraspirants,ordespots—providedonlytheybesincere—havetheirsublimemoments,whentheysubdueandrule.ifeltvenerationforst.john—venerationsostrongthatitsimpetusthrustmeatoncetothepointihadsolongshunned.iwastemptedtoceaselingwithhim—torushdownthetorrentofhiswillintothegulfofhisexistence,andtherelosemyown.iwasalmostashardbesetbyhimnowasihadbeenoncebefore,inadifferentway,byanother.iwasafoolbothtimes.tohaveyieldedthenwouldhavebeenanerrorofprinciple;tohaveyieldednowwouldhavebeenanerrorofjudgment.soithinkatthishour,whenilookbacktothecrisisthroughthequietmediumoftime:iwasunconsciousoffollyattheinstant.

istoodmotionlessundermyhierophant’stouch.myrefusalswereforgotten—myfearsovercome—mywrestlingsparalysed.theimpossible—i.e.,mymarriagewithst.john—wasfastbecomingthepossible.allwaschangingutterlywithasuddensweep.religioncalled—angelsbeckoned—godcommanded—liferolledtogetherlikeascroll—death’sgatesopening,showedeternitybeyond:itseemed,thatforsafetyandblissthere,allheremightbesacrificedinasecond.thedimroomwasfullofvisions.

“couldyoudecidenow?”askedthemissionary.theinquirywasputingentletones:hedrewmetohimasgently.oh,thatgentleness!howfarmorepotentisitthanforce!icouldresistst.john’swrath:igrewpliantasareedunderhiskindness.yetiknewallthetime,ifiyieldednow,ishouldnotthelessbemadetorepent,someday,ofmyformerrebellion.hisnaturewasnotchangedbyonehourofsolemnprayer:itwasonlyelevated.

“icoulddecideifiwerebutcertain,”ianswered:“wereibutconvincedthatitisgod’swillishouldmarryyou,icouldvowtomarryyouhereandnow—comeafterwardswhatwould!”

“myprayersareheard!”ejaculatedst.john.hepressedhishandfirmeronmyhead,asifheclaimedme:hesurroundedmewithhisarm,almostasifhelovedme(isayalmost—iknewthedifference—forihadfeltwhatitwastobeloved;but,likehim,ihadnowputloveoutofthequestion,andthoughtonlyofduty).icontendedwithmyinwarddimnessofvision,beforewhichcloudsyetrolled.isincerely,deeply,ferventlylongedtodowhatwasright;andonlythat.“showme,showmethepath!”ientreatedofheaven.iwasexcitedmorethanihadeverbeen;andwhetherwhatfollowedwastheeffectofexcitementthereadershalljudge.

allthehousewasstill;foribelieveall,exceptst.johnandmyself,werenowretiredtorest.theonecandlewasdyingout:theroomwasfullofmoonlight.myheartbeatfastandthick:ihearditsthrob.suddenlyitstoodstilltoaninexpressiblefeelingthatthrilleditthrough,andpassedatoncetomyheadandextremities.thefeelingwasnotlikeanelectricshock,butitwasquiteassharp,asstrange,asstartling:itactedonmysensesasiftheirutmostactivityhithertohadbeenbuttorpor,fromwhichtheywerenowsummonedandforcedtowake.theyroseexpectant:eyeandearwaitedwhilethefleshquiveredonmybones.

“whathaveyouheard?whatdoyousee?”askedst.john.isawnothing,butiheardavoicesomewherecry—

“jane!jane!jane!”—nothingmore.

“ogod!whatisit?”igasped.

imighthavesaid,“whereisit?”foritdidnotseemintheroom—norinthehouse—norinthegarden;itdidnotcomeoutoftheair—norfromundertheearth—norfromoverhead.ihadheardit—where,orwhence,foreverimpossibletoknow!anditwasthevoiceofahumanbeing—aknown,loved,well-rememberedvoice—thatofedwardfairfaxrochester;anditspokeinpainandwoe,wildly,eerily,urgently.

“iamcoming!”icried.“waitforme!oh,iwillcome!”iflewtothedoorandlookedintothepassage:itwasdark.iranoutintothegarden:itwasvoid.

“whereareyou?”iexclaimed.

thehillsbeyondmarshglensenttheanswerfaintlyback—“whereareyou?”ilistened.thewindsighedlowinthefirs:allwasmoorlandlonelinessandmidnighthush.

“downsuperstition!”icommented,asthatspectreroseupblackbytheblackyewatthegate.“thisisnotthydeception,northywitchcraft:itistheworkofnature.shewasroused,anddid—nomiracle—butherbest.”

ibrokefromst.john,whohadfollowed,andwouldhavedetainedme.itwasmytimetoassumeascendency.mypowerswereinplayandinforce.itoldhimtoforbearquestionorremark;idesiredhimtoleaveme:imustandwouldbealone.heobeyedatonce.wherethereisenergytocommandwellenough,obedienceneverfails.imountedtomychamber;lockedmyselfin;fellonmyknees;andprayedinmyway—adifferentwaytost.john’s,buteffectiveinitsownfashion.iseemedtopenetrateverynearamightyspirit;andmysoulrushedoutingratitudeathisfeet.irosefromthethanksgiving—tookaresolve—andlaydown,unscared,enlightened—eagerbutforthedaylight.