第178章

第178章“imustindeed,”isaid;“forwhenjustnowirepeatedtheofferofservinghimforadeacon,heexpressedhimselfshockedatmywantofdecency.heseemedtothinkihadcommittedanimproprietyinproposingtoaccompanyhimunmarried:asifihadnotfromthefirsthopedtofindinhimabrother,andhabituallyregardedhimassuch.”

“whatmakesyousayhedoesnotloveyou,jane?”

“youshouldhearhimselfonthesubject.hehasagainandagainexplainedthatitisnothimself,buthisofficehewishestomate.hehastoldmeiamformedforlabour—notforlove:whichistrue,nodoubt.but,inmyopinion,ifiamnotformedforlove,itfollowsthatiamnotformedformarriage.woulditnotbestrange,die,tobechainedforlifetoamanwhoregardedonebutasausefultool?”

“insupportable—unnatural—outofthequestion!”

“andthen,”icontinued,“thoughihaveonlysisterlyaffectionforhimnow,yet,ifforcedtobehiswife,icanimaginethepossibilityofconceivinganinevitable,strange,torturingkindofloveforhim,becauseheissotalented;andthereisoftenacertainheroicgrandeurinhislook,manner,andconversation.inthatcase,mylotwouldbecomeunspeakablywretched.hewouldnotwantmetolovehim;andifishowedthefeeling,hewouldmakemesensiblethatitwasasuperfluity,unrequiredbyhim,unbecominginme.iknowhewould.”

“andyetst.johnisagoodman,”saiddiana.

“heisagoodandagreatman;butheforgets,pitilessly,thefeelingsandclaimsoflittlepeople,inpursuinghisownlargeviews.itisbetter,therefore,fortheinsignificanttokeepoutofhisway,lest,inhisprogress,heshouldtramplethemdown.herehecomes!iwillleaveyou,diana.”andihastenedupstairsasisawhimenteringthegarden.

butiwasforcedtomeethimagainatsupper.duringthatmealheappearedjustascomposedasusual.ihadthoughthewouldhardlyspeaktome,andiwascertainhehadgivenupthepursuitofhismatrimonialscheme:thesequelshowediwasmistakenonbothpoints.headdressedmepreciselyinhisordinarymanner,orwhathad,oflate,beenhisordinarymanner—onescrupulouslypolite.nodoubthehadinvokedthehelpoftheholyspirittosubduetheangerihadrousedinhim,andnowbelievedhehadforgivenmeoncemore.

fortheeveningreadingbeforeprayers,heselectedthetwenty-firstchapterofrevelation.itwasatalltimespleasanttolistenwhilefromhislipsfellthewordsofthebible:neverdidhisfinevoicesoundatoncesosweetandfull—neverdidhismannerbecomesoimpressiveinitsnoblesimplicity,aswhenhedeliveredtheoraclesofgod:andto-nightthatvoicetookamoresolemntone—thatmanneramorethrillingmeaning—ashesatinthemidstofhishouseholdcircle(themaymoonshininginthroughtheuncurtainedwindow,andrenderingalmostunnecessarythelightofthecandleonthetable):ashesatthere,bendingoverthegreatoldbible,anddescribedfromitspagethevisionofthenewheavenandthenewearth—toldhowgodwouldcometodwellwithmen,howhewouldwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes,andpromisedthatthereshouldbenomoredeath,neithersorrownorcrying,noranymorepain,becausetheformerthingswerepassedaway.

theeedingwordsthrilledmestrangelyashespokethem:especiallyasifelt,bytheslight,indescribablealterationinsound,thatinutteringthem,hiseyehadturnedonme.

“hethatovercomethshallinheritallthings;andiwillbehisgod,andheshallbemyson.but,”wasslowly,distinctlyread,“thefearful,theunbelieving,&c.,shallhavetheirpartinthelakewhichburnethwithfireandbrimstone,whichistheseconddeath.”

henceforward,iknewwhatfatest.johnfearedforme.

acalm,subduedtriumph,blentwithalongingearnestness,markedhisenunciationofthelastgloriousversesofthatchapter.thereaderbelievedhisnamewasalreadywritteninthelamb’sbookoflife,andheyearnedafterthehourwhichshouldadmithimtothecitytowhichthekingsoftheearthbringtheirgloryandhonour;whichhasnoneedofsunormoontoshineinit,becausethegloryofgodlightensit,andthelambisthelightthereof.intheprayerfollowingthechapter,allhisenergygathered—allhissternzealwoke:hewasindeepearnest,wrestlingwithgod,andresolvedonaconquest.hesupplicatedstrengthfortheweak-hearted;guidanceforwanderersfromthefold:areturn,evenattheeleventhhour,forthosewhomthetemptationsoftheworldandthefleshwereluringfromthenarrowpath.heasked,heurged,heclaimedtheboonofabrandsnatchedfromtheburning.earnestnessiseverdeeplysolemn:first,asilistenedtothatprayer,iwonderedathis;then,whenitcontinuedandrose,iwastouchedbyit,andatlastawed.hefeltthegreatnessandgoodnessofhispurposesosincerely:otherswhoheardhimpleadforit,couldnotbutfeelittoo.

theprayerover,wetookleaveofhim:hewastogoataveryearlyhourinthemorning.dianaandmaryhavingkissedhim,lefttheroom—incompliance,ithink,withawhisperedhintfromhim:itenderedmyhand,andwishedhimapleasantjourney.