第170章

第170章“ithinknot;andifiwere,itdoesnotmuchsignify;ishallneverbecalledupontocontendforsuchanother.theeventoftheconflictisdecisive:mywayisnowclear;ithankgodforit!”sosaying,hereturnedtohispapersandhissilence.

asourmutualhappiness(i.e.,diana’s,mary’s,andmine)settledintoaquietercharacter,andweresumedourusualhabitsandregularstudies,st.johnstayedmoreathome:hesatwithusinthesameroom,sometimesforhourstogether.whilemarydrew,dianapursuedacourseofencyclopaedicreadingshehad(tomyaweandamazement)undertaken,andiedawayatgerman,heponderedamysticloreofhisown:thatofsomeeasterntongue,theacquisitionofwhichhethoughtnecessarytohisplans.

thusengaged,heappeared,sittinginhisownrecess,quietandabsorbedenough;butthatblueeyeofhishadahabitofleavingtheoutlandish-lookinggrammar,andwanderingover,andsometimesfixinguponus,hisfellow-students,withacuriousintensityofobservation:ifcaught,itwouldbeinstantlywithdrawn;yeteverandanon,itreturnedsearchinglytoourtable.iwonderedwhatitmeant:iwondered,too,atthepunctualsatisfactionheneverfailedtoexhibitonanoccasionthatseemedtomeofsmallmoment,namely,myweeklyvisittomortonschool;andstillmorewasipuzzledwhen,ifthedaywasunfavourable,iftherewassnow,orrain,orhighwind,andhissistersurgedmenottogo,hewouldinvariablymakelightoftheirsolicitude,andencouragemetoaccomplishthetaskwithoutregardtotheelements.

“janeisnotsuchaweaklingasyouwouldmakeher,”hewouldsay:“shecanbearamountainblast,orashower,orafewflakesofsnow,aswellasanyofus.herconstitutionisbothsoundandelastic;—bettercalculatedtoendurevariationsofclimatethanmanymorerobust.”

andwhenireturned,sometimesagooddealtired,andnotalittleweather-beaten,ineverdaredcomplain,becauseisawthattomurmurwouldbetovexhim:onalloccasionsfortitudepleasedhim;thereversewasaspecialannoyance.

oneafternoon,however,igotleavetostayathome,becauseireallyhadacold.hissistersweregonetomortoninmystead:isatreadingschiller;he,decipheringhiscrabbedorientalscrolls.asiexchangedatranslationforanexercise,ihappenedtolookhisway:thereifoundmyselfundertheinfluenceoftheever-watchfulblueeye.howlongithadbeensearchingmethroughandthrough,andoverandover,icannottell:sokeenwasit,andyetsocold,ifeltforthemomentsuperstitious—asifiweresittingintheroomwithsomethinguncanny.

“jane,whatareyoudoing?”

“learninggerman.”

“iwantyoutogiveupgermanandlearnhindostanee.”

“youarenotinearnest?”

“insuchearnestthatimusthaveitso:andiwilltellyouwhy.”

hethenwentontoexplainthathindostaneewasthelanguagehewashimselfatpresentstudying;that,asheadvanced,hewasapttoforgetthecommencement;thatitwouldassisthimgreatlytohaveapupilwithwhomhemightagainandagaingoovertheelements,andsofixthemthoroughlyinhismind;thathischoicehadhoveredforsometimebetweenmeandhissisters;butthathehadfixedonmebecausehesawicouldsitatataskthelongestofthethree.wouldidohimthisfavour?ishouldnot,perhaps,havetomakethesacrificelong,asitwantednowbarelythreemonthstohisdeparture.

st.johnwasnotamantobelightlyrefused:youfeltthateveryimpressionmadeonhim,eitherforpainorpleasure,wasdeep-gravedandpermanent.iconsented.whendianaandmaryreturned,theformerfoundherscholartransferredfromhertoherbrother:shelaughed,andbothsheandmaryagreedthatst.johnshouldneverhavepersuadedthemtosuchastep.heansweredquietly—

“iknowit.”

ifoundhimaverypatient,veryforbearing,andyetanexactingmaster:heexpectedmetodoagreatdeal;andwhenifulfilledhisexpectations,he,inhisownway,fullytestifiedhisapprobation.bydegrees,heacquiredacertaininfluenceovermethattookawaymylibertyofmind:hispraiseandnoticeweremorerestrainingthanhisindifference.icouldnolongertalkorlaughfreelywhenhewasby,becauseatiresomelyimportunateinstinctremindedmethatvivacity(atleastinme)wasdistastefultohim.iwassofullyawarethatonlyseriousmoodsandoccupationswereacceptable,thatinhispresenceeveryefforttosustainorfollowanyotherbecamevain:ifellunderafreezingspell.whenhesaid“go,”iwent;“come,”icame;“dothis,”ididit.butididnotlovemyservitude:iwished,manyatime,hehadcontinuedtoneglectme.

oneeveningwhen,atbedtime,hissistersandistoodroundhim,biddinghimgood-night,hekissedeachofthem,aswashiscustom;and,aswasequallyhiscustom,hegavemehishand.diana,whochancedtobeinafrolicsomehumour(shewasnotpainfullycontrolledbyhiswill;forhers,inanotherway,wasasstrong),exclaimed—

“st.john!youusedtocalljaneyourthirdsister,butyoudon’ttreatherassuch:youshouldkisshertoo.”

shepushedmetowardshim.ithoughtdianaveryprovoking,andfeltuncomfortablyconfused;andwhileiwasthusthinkingandfeeling,st.johnbenthishead;hisgreekfacewasbroughttoalevelwithmine,hiseyesquestionedmyeyespiercingly—hekissedme.therearenosuchthingsasmarblekissesoricekisses,orishouldsaymyecclesiasticalcousin’ssalutebelongedtooneoftheseclasses;buttheremaybeexperimentkisses,andhiswasanexperimentkiss.whengiven,heviewedmetolearntheresult;itwasnotstriking:iamsureididnotblush;perhapsimighthaveturnedalittlepale,forifeltasifthiskisswereasealaffixedtomyfetters.heneveromittedtheceremonyafterwards,andthegravityandquiescencewithwhichiunderwentit,seemedtoinvestitforhimwithacertaincharm.