第171章

第171章asforme,idailywishedmoretopleasehim;buttodoso,ifeltdailymoreandmorethatimustdisownhalfmynature,stiflehalfmyfaculties,wrestmytastesfromtheiroriginalbent,forcemyselftotheadoptionofpursuitsforwhichihadnonaturalvocation.hewantedtotrainmetoanelevationicouldneverreach;itrackedmehourlytoaspiretothestandardheuplifted.thethingwasasimpossibleastomouldmyirregularfeaturestohiscorrectandclassicpattern,togivetomychangeablegreeneyesthesea-bluetintandsolemnlustreofhisown.

nothisascendancyalone,however,heldmeinthrallatpresent.oflateithadbeeneasyenoughformetolooksad:acankeringevilsatatmyheartanddrainedmyhappinessatitssource—theevilofsuspense.

perhapsyouthinkihadforgottenmr.rochester,reader,amidstthesechangesofplaceandfortune.notforamoment.hisideawasstillwithme,becauseitwasnotavapoursunshinecoulddisperse,norasand-tracedeffigystormscouldwashaway;itwasanamegravenonatablet,fatedtolastaslongasthemarbleitinscribed.thecravingtoknowwhathadbecomeofhimfollowedmeeverywhere;wheniwasatmorton,ire-enteredmycottageeveryeveningtothinkofthat;andnowatmoorhouse,isoughtmybedroomeachnighttobroodoverit.

inthecourseofmynecessarycorrespondencewithmr.saboutthewill,ihadinquiredifheknewanythingofmr.rochester’spresentresidenceandstateofhealth;but,asst.johnhadconjectured,hewasquiteignorantofallconcerninghim.ithenwrotetomrs.fairfax,entreatinginformationonthesubject.ihadcalculatedwithcertaintyonthisstepansweringmyend:ifeltsureitwouldelicitanearlyanswer.iwasastonishedwhenafortnightpassedwithoutreply;butwhentwomonthsworeaway,anddayafterdaythepostarrivedandbroughtnothingforme,ifellapreytothekeenestanxiety.

iwroteagain:therewasachanceofmyfirstletterhavingmissed.renewedhopefollowedrenewedeffort:itshoneliketheformerforsomeweeks,then,likeit,itfaded,flickered:notaline,notawordreachedme.whenhalfayearwastedinvainexpectancy,myhopediedout,andthenifeltdarkindeed.

afinespringshoneroundme,whichicouldnotenjoy.summerapproached;dianatriedtocheerme:shesaidilookedill,andwishedtoaccompanymetothesea-side.thisst.johnopposed;hesaidididnotwantdissipation,iwantedemployment;mypresentlifewastoopurposeless,irequiredanaim;and,isuppose,bywayofsupplyingdeficiencies,heprolongedstillfurthermylessonsinhindostanee,andgrewmoreurgentinrequiringtheiraccomplishment:andi,likeafool,neverthoughtofresistinghim—icouldnotresisthim.

onedayihadcometomystudiesinlowerspiritsthanusual;theebbwasoccasionedbyapoignantlyfeltdisappointment.hannahhadtoldmeinthemorningtherewasaletterforme,andwheniwentdowntotakeit,almostcertainthatthelong-lookedfortidingswerevouchsafedmeatlast,ifoundonlyanunimportantnotefrommr.sonbusiness.thebittercheckhadwrungfrommesometears;andnow,asisatporingoverthecrabbedcharactersandflourishingtropesofanindianscribe,myeyesfilledagain.

st.johncalledmetohissidetoread;inattemptingtodothismyvoicefailedme:wordswerelostinsobs.heandiweretheonlyoccupantsoftheparlour:dianawaspractisinghermusicinthedrawing-room,marywasgardening—itwasaveryfinemayday,clear,sunny,andbreezy.mycompanionexpressednosurpriseatthisemotion,nordidhequestionmeastoitscause;heonlysaid—

“wewillwaitafewminutes,jane,tillyouaremorecomposed.”andwhileismotheredtheparoxysmwithallhaste,hesatcalmandpatient,leaningonhisdesk,andlookinglikeaphysicianwatchingwiththeeyeofscienceanexpectedandfullyunderstoodcrisisinapatient’smalady.havingstifledmysobs,wipedmyeyes,andmutteredsomethingaboutnotbeingverywellthatmorning,iresumedmytask,andeededincompletingit.st.johnputawaymybooksandhis,lockedhisdesk,andsaid—

“now,jane,youshalltakeawalk;andwithme.”

“iwillcalldianaandmary.”

“no;iwantonlyonecompanionthismorning,andthatmustbeyou.putonyourthings;gooutbythekitchen-door:taketheroadtowardstheheadofmarshglen:iwilljoinyouinamoment.”

iknownomedium:ineverinmylifehaveknownanymediuminmydealingswithpositive,hardcharacters,antagonistictomyown,betweenabsolutesubmissionanddeterminedrevolt.ihavealwaysfaithfullyobservedtheone,uptotheverymomentofbursting,sometimeswithvolcanicvehemence,intotheother;andasneitherpresentcircumstanceswarranted,normypresentmoodinclinedmetomutiny,iobservedcarefulobediencetost.john’sdirections;andintenminutesiwastreadingthewildtrackoftheglen,sidebysidewithhim.

thebreezewasfromthewest:itcameoverthehills,sweetwithscentsofheathandrush;theskywasofstainlessblue;thestreamdescendingtheravine,swelledwithpastspringrains,pouredalongplentifulandclear,catchinggoldengleamsfromthesun,andsapphiretintsfromthefirmament.asweadvancedandleftthetrack,wetrodasoftturf,mossyfineandemeraldgreen,minutelyenamelledwithatinywhiteflower,andspangledwithastar-likeyellowblossom:thehills,meantime,shutusquitein;fortheglen,towardsitshead,woundtotheirverycore.

“letusresthere,”saidst.john,aswereachedthefirstlersofabattalionofrocks,guardingasortofpass,beyondwhichthebeckrusheddownawaterfall;andwhere,stillalittlefarther,themountainshookoffturfandflower,hadonlyheathforraimentandcragforgem—whereiteratedthewildtothesavage,andexchangedthefreshforthefrowning—whereitguardedtheforlornhopeofsolitude,andalastrefugeforsilence.