第172章

第172章itookaseat:st.johnstoodnearme.helookedupthepassanddownthehollow;hisglancewanderedawaywiththestream,andreturnedtotraversetheuncloudedheavenwhichcolouredit:heremovedhishat,letthebreezestirhishairandkisshisbrow.heseemedincommunionwiththegeniusofthehaunt:withhiseyehebadefarewelltosomething.

“andishallseeitagain,”hesaidaloud,“indreamswhenisleepbytheganges:andagaininamoreremotehour—whenanotherslumberovercomesme—ontheshoreofadarkerstream!”

strangewordsofastrangelove!anausterepatriot’spassionforhisfatherland!hesatdown;forhalf-an-hourweneverspoke;neitherhetomenoritohim:thatintervalpast,herecommenced—

“jane,igoinsixweeks;ihavetakenmyberthinaneastindiamanwhichsailsonthe20thofjune.”

“godwillprotectyou;foryouhaveundertakenhiswork,”ianswered.

“yes,”saidhe,“thereismygloryandjoy.iamtheservantofaninfalliblemaster.iamnotgoingoutunderhumanguidance,subjecttothedefectivelawsanderringcontrolofmyfeeblefellow-worms:myking,mylawgiver,mycaptain,istheall-perfect.itseemsstrangetomethatallroundmedonotburntoenlistunderthesamebanner,—tojoininthesameenterprise.”

“allhavenotyourpowers,anditwouldbefollyforthefeebletowishtomarchwiththestrong.”

“idonotspeaktothefeeble,orthinkofthem:iaddressonlysuchasareworthyofthework,andcompetenttoaccomplishit.”

“thosearefewinnumber,anddifficulttodiscover.”

“yousaytruly;butwhenfound,itisrighttostirthemup—tourgeandexhortthemtotheeffort—toshowthemwhattheirgiftsare,andwhytheyweregiven—tospeakheaven’smessageintheirear,—toofferthem,directfromgod,aplaceintheranksofhischosen.”

“iftheyarereallyqualifiedforthetask,willnottheirownheartsbethefirsttoinformthemofit?”

ifeltasifanawfulcharmwasframingroundandgatheringoverme:itrembledtohearsomefatalwordspokenwhichwouldatoncedeclareandrivetthespell.

“andwhatdoesyourheartsay?”demandedst.john.

“myheartismute,—myheartismute,”ianswered,struckandthrilled.

“thenimustspeakforit,”continuedthedeep,relentlessvoice.“jane,comewithmetoindia:comeasmyhelp-meetandfellow-labourer.”

theglenandskyspunround:thehillsheaved!itwasasifihadheardasummonsfromheaven—asifavisionarymessenger,likehimofmacedonia,hadenounced,“comeoverandhelpus!”butiwasnoapostle,—icouldnotbeholdtheherald,—icouldnotreceivehiscall.

“oh,st.john!”icried,“havesomemercy!”

iappealedtoonewho,inthedischargeofwhathebelievedhisduty,knewneithermercynorremorse.hecontinued—

“godandnatureintendedyouforamissionary’swife.itisnotpersonal,butmentalendowmentstheyhavegivenyou:youareformedforlabour,notforlove.amissionary’swifeyoumust—shallbe.youshallbemine:iclaimyou—notformypleasure,butformysovereign’sservice.”

“iamnotfitforit:ihavenovocation,”isaid.

hehadcalculatedonthesefirstobjections:hewasnotirritatedbythem.indeed,asheleanedbackagainstthecragbehindhim,foldedhisarmsonhischest,andfixedhiscountenance,isawhewaspreparedforalongandtryingopposition,andhadtakeninastockofpatiencetolasthimtoitsclose—resolved,however,thatthatcloseshouldbeconquestforhim.

“humility,jane,”saidhe,“isthegroundworkofchristianvirtues:yousayrightthatyouarenotfitforthework.whoisfitforit?orwho,thateverwastrulycalled,believedhimselfworthyofthesummons?i,forinstance,ambutdustandashes.withst.paul,iacknowledgemyselfthechiefestofsinners;butidonotsufferthissenseofmypersonalvilenesstodauntme.iknowmyleader:thatheisjustaswellasmighty;andwhilehehaschosenafeebleinstrumenttoperformagreattask,hewill,fromtheboundlessstoresofhisprovidence,supplytheinadequacyofthemeanstotheend.thinklikeme,jane—trustlikeme.itistherockofagesiaskyoutoleanon:donotdoubtbutitwillbeartheweightofyourhumanweakness.”

“idonotunderstandamissionarylife:ihaveneverstudiedmissionarylabours.”

“therei,humbleasiam,cangiveyoutheaidyouwant:icansetyouyourtaskfromhourtohour;standbyyoualways;helpyoufrommomenttomoment.thisicoulddointhebeginning:soon(foriknowyourpowers)youwouldbeasstrongandaptasmyself,andwouldnotrequiremyhelp.”

“butmypowers—wherearetheyforthisundertaking?idonotfeelthem.nothingspeaksorstirsinmewhileyoutalk.iamsensibleofnolightkindling—nolifequickening—novoicecounsellingorcheering.oh,iwishicouldmakeyouseehowmuchmymindisatthismomentlikearaylessdungeon,withoneshrinkingfearfetteredinitsdepths—thefearofbeingpersuadedbyyoutoattemptwhaticannotaccomplish!”