第173章

第173章“ihaveananswerforyou—hearit.ihavewatchedyoueversincewefirstmet:ihavemadeyoumystudyfortenmonths.ihaveprovedyouinthattimebysundrytests:andwhathaveiseenandelicited?inthevillageschoolifoundyoucouldperformwell,punctually,uprightly,labouruncongenialtoyourhabitsandinclinations;isawyoucouldperformitwithcapacityandtact:youcouldwinwhileyoucontrolled.inthecalmwithwhichyoulearntyouhadbecomesuddenlyrich,ireadamindclearoftheviceofdemas:—lucrehadnounduepoweroveryou.intheresolutereadinesswithwhichyoucutyourwealthintofourshares,keepingbutonetoyourself,andrelinquishingthethreeotherstotheclaimofabstractjustice,irecognisedasoulthatrevelledintheflameandexcitementofsacrifice.inthetractabilitywithwhich,atmywish,youforsookastudyinwhichyouwereinterested,andadoptedanotherbecauseitinterestedme;intheuntiringassiduitywithwhichyouhavesinceperseveredinit—intheingenergyandunshakentemperwithwhichyouhavemetitsdifficulties—iacknowledgethecomplementofthequalitiesiseek.jane,youaredocile,diligent,disinterested,faithful,constant,andcourageous;verygentle,andveryheroic:ceasetomistrustyourself—icantrustyouunreservedly.asaconductressofindianschools,andahelperamongstindianwomen,yourassistancewillbetomeinvaluable.”

myironshroudcontractedroundme;persuasionadvancedwithslowsurestep.shutmyeyesasiwould,theselastwordsofhiseededinmakingtheway,whichhadseemedblockedup,comparativelyclear.mywork,whichhadappearedsovague,sohopelesslydiffuse,condenseditselfasheproceeded,andassumedadefiniteformunderhisshapinghand.hewaitedforananswer.idemandedaquarterofanhourtothink,beforeiagainhazardedareply.

“verywillingly,”herejoined;andrising,hestrodealittledistanceupthepass,threwhimselfdownonaswellofheath,andtherelaystill.

“icandowhathewantsmetodo:iamforcedtoseeandacknowledgethat,”imeditated,—“thatis,iflifebesparedme.butifeelmineisnottheexistencetobelongprotractedunderanindiansun.whatthen?hedoesnotcareforthat:whenmytimecametodie,hewouldresignme,inallserenityandsanctity,tothegodwhogaveme.thecaseisveryplainbeforeme.inleavingengland,ishouldleavealovedbutemptyland—mr.rochesterisnotthere;andifhewere,whatis,whatcanthateverbetome?mybusinessistolivewithouthimnow:nothingsoabsurd,soweakastodragonfromdaytoday,asifiwerewaitingsomeimpossiblechangeincircumstances,whichmightreunitemetohim.ofcourse(asst.johnoncesaid)imustseekanotherinterestinlifetoreplacetheonelost:isnottheoccupationhenowoffersmetrulythemostgloriousmancanadoptorgodassign?isitnot,byitsnoblecaresandsublimeresults,theonebestcalculatedtofillthevoidleftbyuptornaffectionsanddemolishedhopes?ibelieveimustsay,yes—andyetishudder.alas!ifijoinst.john,iabandonhalfmyself:ifigotoindia,igotoprematuredeath.andhowwilltheintervalbetweenleavingenglandforindia,andindiaforthegrave,befilled?oh,iknowwell!that,too,isverycleartomyvision.bystrainingtosatisfyst.johntillmysinewsache,ishallsatisfyhim—tothefinestcentralpointandfarthestoutwardcircleofhisexpectations.ifidogowithhim—ifidomakethesacrificeheurges,iwillmakeitabsolutely:iwillthrowallonthealtar—heart,vitals,theentirevictim.hewillneverloveme;butheshallapproveme;iwillshowhimenergieshehasnotyetseen,resourceshehasneversuspected.yes,icanworkashardashecan,andwithaslittlegrudging.

“consent,then,tohisdemandispossible:butforoneitem—onedreadfulitem.itis—thatheasksmetobehiswife,andhasnomoreofahusband’sheartformethanthatfrowninggiantofarock,downwhichthestreamisfoaminginyondergorge.heprizesmeasasoldierwouldagoodweapon;andthatisall.unmarriedtohim,thiswouldnevergrieveme;butcanilethimcompletehiscalculations—coollyputintopracticehisplans—gothroughtheweddingceremony?canireceivefromhimthebridalring,endurealltheformsoflove(whichidoubtnothewouldscrupulouslyobserve)andknowthatthespiritwasquiteabsent?canibeartheconsciousnessthateveryendearmenthebestowsisasacrificemadeonprinciple?no:suchamartyrdomwouldbemonstrous.iwillneverundergoit.ashissister,imightaccompanyhim—notashiswife:iwilltellhimso.”

ilookedtowardstheknoll:therehelay,stillasaprostratecolumn;hisfaceturnedtome:hiseyebeamingwatchfulandkeen.hestartedtohisfeetandapproachedme.

“iamreadytogotoindia,ifimaygofree.”

“youranswerrequiresacommentary,”hesaid;“itisnotclear.”

“youhavehithertobeenmyadoptedbrother—i,youradoptedsister:letuscontinueassuch:youandihadbetternotmarry.”

heshookhishead.“adoptedfraternitywillnotdointhiscase.ifyouweremyrealsisteritwouldbedifferent:ishouldtakeyou,andseeknowife.butasitis,eitherourunionmustbeconsecratedandsealedbymarriage,oritcannotexist:practicalobstaclesopposethemselvestoanyotherplan.doyounotseeit,jane?consideramoment—yourstrongsensewillguideyou.”

ididconsider;andstillmysense,suchasitwas,directedmeonlytothefactthatwedidnotloveeachotherasmanandwifeshould:andthereforeitinferredweoughtnottomarry.isaidso.“st.john,”ireturned,“iregardyouasabrother—you,measasister:soletuscontinue.”

“wecannot—wecannot,”heanswered,withshort,sharpdetermination:“itwouldnotdo.youhavesaidyouwillgowithmetoindia:remember—youhavesaidthat.”

“conditionally.”