第174章

第174章“well—well.tothemainpoint—thedeparturewithmefromengland,theco-operationwithmeinmyfuturelabours—youdonotobject.youhavealreadyasgoodasputyourhandtotheplough:youaretooconsistenttowithdrawit.youhavebutoneendtokeepinview—howtheworkyouhaveundertakencanbestbedone.simplifyyourcomplicatedinterests,feelings,thoughts,wishes,aims;mergeallconsiderationsinonepurpose:thatoffulfillingwitheffect—withpower—themissionofyourgreatmaster.todoso,youmusthaveacoadjutor:notabrother—thatisaloosetie—butahusband.i,too,donotwantasister:asistermightanydaybetakenfromme.iwantawife:thesolehelpmeeticaninfluenceefficientlyinlife,andretainabsolutelytilldeath.”

ishudderedashespoke:ifelthisinfluenceinmymarrow—hisholdonmylimbs.

“seekoneelsewherethaninme,st.john:seekonefittedtoyou.”

“onefittedtomypurpose,youmean—fittedtomyvocation.againitellyouitisnottheinsignificantprivateindividual—themereman,withtheman’sselfishsenses—iwishtomate:itisthemissionary.”

“andiwillgivethemissionarymyenergies—itisallhewants—butnotmyself:thatwouldbeonlyaddingthehuskandshelltothekernel.forthemhehasnouse:iretainthem.”

“youcannot—yououghtnot.doyouthinkgodwillbesatisfiedwithhalfanoblation?willheacceptamutilatedsacrifice?itisthecauseofgodiadvocate:itisunderhisstandardienlistyou.icannotacceptonhisbehalfadividedallegiance:itmustbeentire.”

“oh!iwillgivemyhearttogod,”isaid.“youdonotwantit.”

iwillnotswear,reader,thattherewasnotsomethingofrepressedsarcasmbothinthetoneinwhichiutteredthissentence,andinthefeelingthataccompaniedit.ihadsilentlyfearedst.johntillnow,becauseihadnotunderstoodhim.hehadheldmeinawe,becausehehadheldmeindoubt.howmuchofhimwassaint,howmuchmortal,icouldnotheretoforetell:butrevelationswerebeingmadeinthisconference:theanalysisofhisnaturewasproceedingbeforemyeyes.isawhisfallibilities:icomprehendedthem.iunderstoodthat,sittingtherewhereidid,onthebankofheath,andwiththathandsomeformbeforeme,isatatthefeetofaman,caringasi.theveilfellfromhishardnessanddespotism.havingfeltinhimthepresenceofthesequalities,ifelthisimperfectionandtookcourage.iwaswithanequal—onewithwhomimightargue—onewhom,ifisawgood,imightresist.

hewassilentafterihadutteredthelastsentence,andipresentlyriskedanupwardglanceathiscountenance.

hiseye,bentonme,expressedatoncesternsurpriseandkeeninquiry.“isshesarcastic,andsarcastictome!”itseemedtosay.“whatdoesthissignify?”

“donotletusforgetthatthisisasolemnmatter,”hesaiderelong;“oneofwhichwemayneitherthinknortalklightlywithoutsin.itrust,jane,youareinearnestwhenyousayyouwillserveyourhearttogod:itisalliwant.oncewrenchyourheartfromman,andfixitonyourmaker,theadvancementofthatmaker’sspiritualkingdomonearthwillbeyourchiefdelightandendeavour;youwillbereadytodoatoncewhateverfurthersthatend.youwillseewhatimpetuswouldbegiventoyoureffortsandminebyourphysicalandmentalunioninmarriage:theonlyunionthatgivesacharacterofpermanentconformitytothedestiniesanddesignsofhumanbeings;and,passingoverallminorcaprices—alltrivialdifficultiesanddelicaciesoffeeling—allscrupleaboutthedegree,kind,strengthortendernessofmerepersonalinclination—youwillhastentoenterintothatunionatonce.”