第175章

第175章“shalli?”isaidbriefly;andilookedathisfeatures,beautifulintheirharmony,butstrangelyformidableintheirstillseverity;athisbrow,commandingbutnotopen;athiseyes,brightanddeepandsearching,butneversoft;athistallimposingfigure;andfanciedmyselfinideahiswife.oh!itwouldneverdo!ashiscurate,hiscomrade,allwouldberight:iwouldcrossoceanswithhiminthatcapacity;toilundereasternsuns,inasiandesertswithhiminthatoffice;admireandemulatehiscourageanddevotionandvigour;accommodatequietlytohismasterhood;smileundisturbedathisineradicableambition;discriminatethechristianfromtheman:profoundlyesteemtheone,andfreelyforgivetheother.ishouldsufferoften,nodoubt,attachedtohimonlyinthiscapacity:mybodywouldbeunderratherastringentyoke,butmyheartandmindwouldbefree.ishouldstillhavemyunblightedselftoturnto:mynaturalunenslavedfeelingswithwhichtocommunicateinmomentsofloneliness.therewouldberecessesinmymindwhichwouldbeonlymine,towhichhenevercame,andsentimentsgrowingtherefreshandshelteredwhichhisausteritycouldneverblight,norhismeasuredwarrior-marchtrampledown:butashiswife—athissidealways,andalwaysrestrained,andalwayschecked—forcedtokeepthefireofmynaturecontinuallylow,tocompelittoburninwardlyandneverutteracry,thoughtheimprisonedflameconsumedvitalaftervital—thiswouldbeunendurable.

“st.john!”iexclaimed,whenihadgotsofarinmymeditation.

“well?”heansweredicily.

“irepeatifreelyconsenttogowithyouasyourfellow-missionary,butnotasyourwife;icannotmarryyouandbecomepartofyou.”

“apartofmeyoumustbecome,”heansweredsteadily;“otherwisethewholebargainisvoid.howcani,amannotyetthirty,takeoutwithmetoindiaagirlofnineteen,unlessshebemarriedtome?howcanwebeforevertogether—sometimesinsolitudes,sometimesamidstsavagetribes—andunwed?”

“verywell,”isaidshortly;“underthecircumstances,quiteaswellasifiwereeitheryourrealsister,oramanandaclergymanlikeyourself.”

“itisknownthatyouarenotmysister;icannotintroduceyouassuch:toattemptitwouldbetofasteninjurioussuspicionsonusboth.andfortherest,thoughyouhaveaman’svigorousbrain,youhaveawoman’sheartand—itwouldnotdo.”

“itwoulddo,”iaffirmedwithsomedisdain,“perfectlywell.ihaveawoman’sheart,butnotwhereyouareconcerned;foryouihaveonlyacomrade’sconstancy;afellow-soldier’sfrankness,fidelity,fraternity,ifyoulike;aneophyte’srespectandsubmissiontohishierophant:nothingmore—don’tfear.”

“itiswhatiwant,”hesaid,speakingtohimself;“itisjustwhatiwant.andthereareobstaclesintheway:theymustbehewndown.jane,youwouldnotrepentmarryingme—becertainofthat;wemustbemarried.irepeatit:thereisnootherway;andundoubtedlyenoughoflovewouldfollowuponmarriagetorendertheunionrighteveninyoureyes.”

“iscornyourideaoflove,”icouldnothelpsaying,asiroseupandstoodbeforehim,leaningmybackagainsttherock.“iscornthecounterfeitsentimentyouoffer:yes,st.john,andiscornyouwhenyouofferit.”

helookedatmefixedly,compressinghiswell-cutlipswhilehedidso.whetherhewasincensedorsurprised,orwhat,itwasnoteasytotell:hecouldcommandhiscountenancethoroughly.

“iscarcelyexpectedtohearthatexpressionfromyou,”hesaid:“ithinkihavedoneandutterednothingtodeservescorn.”

iwastouchedbyhisgentletone,andoverawedbyhishigh,calmmien.

“forgivemethewords,st.john;butitisyourownfaultthatihavebeenrousedtospeaksounguardedly.youhaveintroducedatopiconwhichournaturesareatvariance—atopicweshouldneverdiscuss:theverynameofloveisanappleofdiscordbetweenus.iftherealitywererequired,whatshouldwedo?howshouldwefeel?mydearcousin,abandonyourschemeofmarriage—forgetit.”

“no,”saidhe;“itisalong-cherishedscheme,andtheonlyonewhichcansecuremygreatend:butishallurgeyounofurtheratpresent.to-morrow,ileavehomeforcambridge:ihavemanyfriendstheretowhomishouldwishtosayfarewell.ishallbeabsentafortnight—takethatspaceoftimetoconsidermyoffer:anddonotforgetthatifyourejectit,itisnotmeyoudeny,butgod.throughmymeans,heopenstoyouanoblecareer;asmywifeonlycanyouenteruponit.refusetobemywife,andyoulimityourselfforevertoatrackofselfisheaseandbarrenobscurity.tremblelestinthatcaseyoushouldbenumberedwiththosewhohavedeniedthefaith,andareworsethaninfidels!”

hehaddone.turningfromme,heoncemore

“lookedtoriver,lookedtohill.”

butthistimehisfeelingswereallpentinhisheart:iwasnotworthytohearthemuttered.asiwalkedbyhissidehomeward,ireadwellinhisironsilenceallhefelttowardsme:thedisappointmentofanaustereanddespoticnature,whichhasmetresistancewhereitexpectedsubmission—thedisapprobationofacool,inflexiblejudgment,whichhasdetectedinanotherfeelingsandviewsinwhichithasnopowertosympathise:inshort,asaman,hewouldhavewishedtocoercemeintoobedience:itwasonlyasasincerechristianheboresopatientlywithmyperversity,andallowedsolongaspaceforreflectionandrepentance.

thatnight,afterhehadkissedhissisters,hethoughtpropertoforgeteventoshakehandswithme,butlefttheroominsilence.i—who,thoughihadnolove,hadmuchfriendshipforhim—washurtbythemarkedomission:somuchhurtthattearsstartedtomyeyes.

“iseeyouandst.johnhavebeenquarrelling,jane,”saiddiana,“duringyourwalkonthemoor.butgoafterhim;heisnowlingeringinthepassageexpectingyou—hewillmakeitup.”

ihavenotmuchprideundersuchcircumstances:iwouldalwaysratherbehappythandignified;andiranafterhim—hestoodatthefootofthestairs.

“good-night,st.john,”saidi.

“good-night,jane,”herepliedcalmly.

“thenshakehands,”iadded.

whatacold,loosetouch,heimpressedonmyfingers!hewasdeeplydispleasedbywhathadoccurredthatday;cordialitywouldnotwarm,nortearsmovehim.nohappyreconciliationwastobehadwithhim—nocheeringsmileorgenerousword:butstillthechristianwaspatientandplacid;andwheniaskedhimifheforgaveme,heansweredthathewasnotinthehabitofcherishingtheremembranceofvexation;thathehadnothingtoforgive,nothavingbeenoffended.

andwiththatanswerheleftme.iwouldmuchratherhehadknockedmedown.