第176章

第176章hedidnotleaveforcambridgethenextday,ashehadsaidhewould.hedeferredhisdepartureawholeweek,andduringthattimehemademefeelwhatseverepunishmentagoodyetstern,aconscientiousyetimplacablemancaninflictononewhohasoffendedhim.withoutoneovertactofhostility,oneupbraidingword,hecontrivedtoimpressmemomentlywiththeconvictionthatiwasputbeyondthepaleofhisfavour.

notthatst.johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead,ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso.bothbynatureandprinciple,hewassuperiortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadforgivenmeforsayingiscornedhimandhislove,buthehadnotforgottenthewords;andaslongasheandilivedheneverwouldforgetthem.isawbyhislook,whenheturnedtome,thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverispoke,theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear,andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme.

hedidnotabstainfromconversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmorningtojoinhimathisdesk;andifearthecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto,andunsharedby,thepurechristian,inevincingwithwhatskillhecould,whileactingandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual,extractfromeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofinterestandapprovalwhichhadformerlycommunicatedacertainausterecharmtohislanguageandmanner.tome,hewasinrealitybecomenolongerflesh,butmarble;hiseyewasacold,bright,bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—nothingmore.

allthiswastorturetome—refined,lingeringtorture.itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief,whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether.ifelthow—ifiwerehiswife,thisgoodman,pureasthedeepsunlesssource,couldsoonkillme,withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood,orreceivingonhisowncrystalconsciencethefainteststainofcrime.especiallyifeltthiswhenimadeanyattempttopropitiatehim.noruthmetmyruth.heexperiencednosufferingfromestrangement—noyearningafterreconciliation;andthough,morethanonce,myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent,theyproducednomoreeffectonhimthanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal.tohissisters,meantime,hewassomewhatkinderthanusual:asifafraidthatmerecoldnesswouldnotsufficientlyconvincemehowcompletelyiwasbanishedandbanned,headdedtheforceofcontrast;andthisiamsurehedidnotbyforce,butonprinciple.

thenightbeforehelefthome,happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsunset,andremembering,asilookedathim,thatthisman,alienatedashenowwas,hadoncesavedmylife,andthatwewerenearrelations,iwasmovedtomakealastattempttoregainhisfriendship.iwentoutandapproachedhimashestoodleaningoverthelittlegate;ispoketothepointatonce.

“st.john,iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme.letusbefriends.”

“ihopewearefriends,”wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon,whichhehadbeencontemplatingasiapproached.

“no,st.john,wearenotfriendsaswewere.youknowthat.”

“arewenot?thatiswrong.formypart,iwishyounoillandallgood.”

“ibelieveyou,st.john;foriamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but,asiamyourkinswoman,ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffectionthanthatsortofgeneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers.”

“ofcourse,”hesaid.“yourwishisreasonable,andiamfarfromregardingyouasastranger.”

this,spokeninacool,tranquiltone,wasmortifyingandbafflingenough.hadiattendedtotheestionsofprideandire,ishouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould.ideeplyveneratedmycousin’stalentandprinciple.hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely.iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttoreconquerit.

“mustwepartinthisway,st.john?andwhenyougotoindia,willyouleavemeso,withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken?”

henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme.

“whenigotoindia,jane,willileaveyou?what!doyounotgotoindia?”

“yousaidicouldnotunlessimarriedyou.”

“andyouwillnotmarryme!youadheretothatresolution?”

reader,doyouknow,asido,whatterrorthosecoldpeoplecanputintotheiceoftheirquestions?howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger?ofthebreakingupofthefrozenseaintheirdispleasure?

“no.st.john,iwillnotmarryyou.iadheretomyresolution.”

theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward,butitdidnotyetcrashdown.

“oncemore,whythisrefusal?”heasked.

“formerly,”ianswered,“becauseyoudidnotloveme;now,ireply,becauseyoualmosthateme.ifiweretomarryyou,youwouldkillme.youarekillingmenow.”

hislipsandcheeksturnedwhite—quitewhite.

“ishouldkillyou—iamkillingyou?yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent,unfeminine,anduntrue.theybetrayanunfortunatestateofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable,butthatitisthedutyofmantoforgivehisfellowevenuntilseventy-and-seventimes.”

ihadfinishedthebusinessnow.whileearnestlywishingtoerasefromhismindthetraceofmyformeroffence,ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaceanotherandfardeeperimpression,ihadburntitin.

“nowyouwillindeedhateme,”isaid.“itisuselesstoattempttoconciliateyou:iseeihavemadeaneternalenemyofyou.”

afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse,becausetheytouchedonthetruth.thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm.iknewthesteelyireihadwhetted.iwasheart-wrung.

“youutterlymisinterpretmywords,”isaid,atonceseizinghishand:“ihavenointentiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed,ihavenot.”